The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 08.24.96

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 08.24.96

Well after all the worry about the WWE Network going away on Dec 31, all I had to do was move to Germany and start a new subscription and there you go. Apparently they fired all the people who gave a crap about strict geoblocking tactics and verifying payment locations ages ago. So we carry on with business as usual again!

Taped from Columbus, OH on 08.20.96.

Your hosts are Kevin Kelly & Mr. Perfect and no more country rockin’ intro. Oddly enough, this taping is the one where the show moves to USA Network, but not until a month into the taping.

The Smoking Gunns v. Lou Marconi & Frank Stileto

The Gunns double-team Marconi with a suplex and Billy adds his corner splash, and the Sidewinder finishes at 2:02. Meanwhile, Jim Cornette does an inset promo and issues a challenge to the Gunns on behalf of Owen Hart & British Bulldog.

Stone Cold Steve Austin v. Tony Williams

Austin takes Williams down and smacks him around on the mat, but Williams gets a rollup for two and Austin is amused but then beats the crap out of him anyway. Austin with a snap suplex and then he finishes with the Stone Cold Stunner at 1:25 as commentator Brian Pillman, who is sick of being censored and having his rights violated, promises to interview Austin next week and get the real answers from him. What could go wrong with THAT?

SLAM JAM! WITH HANDSOME DOK HENDRIX!

Next up on the schedule, it’s Mind Games with Shawn Michaels defending the WWF title against Mankind, who has now joined with Paul Bearer.

Meanwhile on RAW, Paul Bearer explains why he turned on the Undertaker after getting sick of carrying him for the past six years. “The essence of the Undertaker is right here in Wheeling WV!” notes Jim Ross, in a sentence that you only hear on a pro wrestling television show. And then the lights go out and we get weird druid chants while Paul rants about Undertaker rotting in the grave while worms and maggots eat his flesh. But of course Undertaker returns and shoots pyro at Mankind, and he runs away. So that was a rather lengthy recap of an already lengthy RAW segment, and I imagine it’ll only get worse as we proceed through the USA era of this show.

Hunter Hearst Helmsley v. David Haskins

Meanwhile, Mr. Perfect has some kind of personal matter he wants to discuss with Hunter, so he leaves the desk while Haskins slugs away on Hunter. Hunter gets annoyed by that and beats him down in the corner, and then finishes with KICK WHAM PEDIGREE, but Perfect escorts Hunter’s lady friend back to the dressing room. So the jobber has enough time to recover and kicks out at two, so Hunter gets even more mad and hits another Pedigree to finish at 2:14. So Perfect’s motivational technique was pretty effective there.

Meanwhile, on RAW, we have a mini battle royale to determine a new challenger for Shawn Michaels on Friday RAW, and Goldust squeaks out a win over Savio Vega to get the shot. And this is ALSO a lengthy recap, ending with Goldust dumping a charging Savio over the top for the win.

Meanwhile, back in 1991, Bret Hart beats Mr. Perfect to win the Intercontinental title, which Perfect thinks is BOGUS.

Faarooq v. Chris Harris

Yes, it’s the understated debut of future WWE superstar BRADEN WALKER! Strange how he got so much more muscular in the years between this and his TNA debut. Faarooq, still a gladiator, beats him down and hits a powerslam, and then finishes with the Dominator at 1:30. Man these are some super-short squash matches on this taping. I guess they didn’t want to interfere with all the RAW recaps.

Meanwhile, we get a video package talking about how WWF Superstars has aired longer than Monday Night Football and aired more episodes than 60 Minutes and now it’s moving to USA. I mean, that’s some dubious math there, because Superstars debuted in 1986 and replaced Championship Wrestling. It’s not the same show by any measure.

Jake Roberts v. Who

So this is the final appearance of Who, for those keeping track. Who attacks in the corner, but Jake slugs back, so Who rakes the eyes and chokes him out on the ropes. Sadly, Jim Neidhart died before he could form a father-daughter tag team with Natalya, which could only be Who Farted? Jake makes a quick comeback and puts Who away with the short arm clothesline and DDT at 2:00.

Meanwhile, it’s time for another RAW recap, as Shawn Michaels faces Yokozuna and beats the big guy with a superkick.

SLAM JAM! WITH HANDSOME DOK HENDRIX!

Did we mention Shawn Michaels defending the WWF title against Mankind? Plus Undertaker faces Goldust…AGAIN…in a match where you have to win by pinfall. Good god how did this boring ass feud span so many matches and PPVs in 1996?

Next week: Brian Pillman interviews Steve Austin and coins a new phrase!

I have been assured that this show gets better after the USA move but holy crap was this episode dogshit. Kevin Kelly is terrible on commentary and there was maybe 10 minutes of wrestling total in between the RAW recaps and talking segments. I do not like this new direction for Superstars whatsoever.