The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 08.17.96

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 08.17.96

I thought the finale of Yellowstone was very satisfying! However I’m pretty sure I’m done with Taylor Sheridan shows now because I’m not particularly interested in the Beth & Rip cattle-ranching spinoff or the Jimmy the Cowboy spinoff they’ve been teasing forever.

Speaking of finales, depending on how things go with the WWE Network coming to an end in Canada and what I can access via Germany or whatever, this will probably be the finale for Superstars ’96. Once we have a more firm idea of what I’m gonna have access to after January 1, we’ll reconvene again.

Hey, you want your batshit crazy Canadian TV story of the day? Our version of the Discovery Channel is getting rebranded to the USA Network on January 1. And they’re airing AEW Collision on Saturdays! No I don’t understand any of it either.

Taped from OH MY GOD ARE WE STILL IN YAKIMA? Apparently so. Fun fact: Apparently John Riggs from the retro gaming world is in the front row for all of these episodes so I’ll have to keep my eye open for him. I mean, I watch these things on a tiny window on a 13 inch Macbook screen so chances of picking him out probably aren’t good, but I’ll try. Hey John, if you’re reading this I love your YouTube channel!

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Mr. Perfect & Jim Ross

Meanwhile, Ahmed Johnson goes for emergency kidney surgery, and has to vacate the Intercontinental title.

The Undertaker v. Who

I’ve seen more than enough of Jim Neidhart for one lifetime on these tapings. Who attacks in the corner and runs into a boot from Taker, and he finishes Who off with the tombstone at 1:00. This was such a burial that this has to be one of the last appearances for this stupid character.

Meanwhile, Ahmed Johnson is lounging in his terrycloth bathrobe while recovering from his surgery. And Gorilla has vacated his title so he’s pretty much at rock bottom. But on the bright side, we get a tournament for the title on RAW! Spoiler: The tournament kind of sucks.

SLAM JAM! WITH HANDSOME DOK HENDRIX!

Tomorrow is SUMMERSLAM apparently, and that’s another one that’s way out of date and needing a redo, so I guess that’s my project this week. Jake Roberts and Jerry Lawler do SERIOUS promos on each other for a match that ended up being a shitty comedy match.

Justin Bradshaw & Uncle Zeb v. Freddie Joe Floyd & Savio Vega

I’m astonished this stupid feud has actually proceeded through these shows and made it to an actual blowoff here. Savio and Freddie double-team Bradshaw with a double dropkick, and then Freddie uses some redneck kung fu to put Bradshaw down. But then the heels use some shenanigans to put Freddie on the floor and take over. Back in, Bradshaw hits him with a senton and it’s over to Zeb for the first time, as he puts the boots to Freddie and we take a break. Back with Bradshaw continuing the beating with a big boot on Freddie for two. Bradshaw whips him into the buckles, but Freddie fights back, only for Bradshaw to cut off the tag, but then Zeb comes in again and Freddie fights him off and makes the hot tag to Savio. Spinkick on Zeb gets two, but Bradshaw breaks it up and Zeb gets the branding iron, so Savio steals it, cradles Zeb, and gets the pin at 6:26. So the good guys win after all these weeks. I mean, for a 6 minute TV match with a bunch of curtain jerkers, I’ve seen worse. **

Meanwhile, Shawn Michaels reflects on his travails with Vader thus far. I just never saw Vader as the guy to beat Shawn. He just didn’t fit with the WWF very well for me at the time.

Crush v. Aldo Montoya

So yeah, it’s debut of the surprisingly long-lived Jailbird Crush gimmick, which proved to be quite versatile and allowed him to play militant black activist and a biker before all was said and done. Crush beats Aldo down to start, but Aldo makes a comeback with dropkicks, but walks into the backbreaker. Aldo bails to the floor and Crush hits him with a clothesline out there and then presses him back into the ring and hits a shoulderbreaker while the announcers clarify that Crush was arrested for drug and weapons charges, but was never convicted. That’s one harsh jail he was in for a night or two, then. Probably the same one Dominick got. Crush finishes with a full nelson at 3:30 to kick off this shitty repackage.

Mankind v. BILLY TWO EAGLES

Yeah! Now there’s the last one I needed on my Tomko bingo card! Billy tries the traditional Native American comeback right away and Mankind beats his ass in the corner and adds a neckbreaker. Meanwhile JR plugs the issue of WWF Magazine that has an interview with Mankind where he reveals the backstory with the piano playing and broken fingers and stuff. Mandible Claw finishes at 2:00.

SLAM JAM! WITH HANDSOME DOK HENDRIX!

He promises 7 matches and 30 men getting it on at Summerslam! Also he sings “Hot Fun in the Summertime” to the Undertaker cutout in case it’s not clear that he’s probably drunk here. And we hear from the Smoking Gunns and Bodydonnas, as Skip was on his way out of the WWF in a hurry. Also could they not find any better place for a beach themed PPV than CLEVELAND?

Meanwhile, the STALKER is here, but he’s only hunting heels I guess.

Steve Austin v. Marc Mero

Hey, yet another match between these two. Austin lures Mero to the floor and attacks him out there, but Mero takes over with a backdrop in the ring and goes to an armbar to work the arm. So at this point Austin has trunks with a “Stone Cold” logo on his ass, which is thankfully not a look that he used for long. Unless his ass was stone cold and he wanted us to know about it, in which case, fair play. Austin with a THESZ PRESS, THESZ PRESS, THESZ PRESS as Goldust joins us on commentary with a checked-out promo on Mero and we take a break. Back with Austin working a chinlock as Goldust and Marlena are trying to sound all mysterious but they just sound bored. We’re like five hours into the taping at this point so I can’t blame them. Mero comes back with a headscissors as Mankind joins us at ringside and puts the smooth moves on Sable. Can you imagine Mankind as a hip cat that all the ladies dig? PREPOSTEROUS! Anyway he calls Sable “Mommy” as we get some Sharknado-level acting from Sable, and Mero attacks Mankind to defend his woman and it’s some kind of DQ at 5:40. But then Mankind puts him down with the claw, and Undertaker motors out to make the save and chases Mankind away. Of all the Austin-Mero matches, this was probably the worst, just a backdrop for all the other goofy stuff going on in the background and on commentary. *.

So yeah, next up is Summerslam 96, a show I don’t recall being particularly noteworthy, but it’s about 25 years since the last watch so it’s due for one. As for Superstars, with the move to USA Network coming up right away, this seems like a good dropping off point anyway if my move to Germany doesn’t work out. I will say, it’s been really difficult to get around geoblocking with the Network for the past few years, but I’m wondering if they’ll stop caring once it’s shut down everywhere else.

Anyway this taping was one of the worst in the history of the company so THANK GOD it’s over.