The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 08.10.96

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 08.10.96

OK, so I’ve been assured that this increasingly shitty show gets better once it moves to USA in September, so I’ll stick with it for the moment. As I’ve noted a few times, much of this stuff is contingent on what happens with the classic content when the WWE Network moves to Netflix in January anyway. That being said, it sounds like it’s still going to be available in its current form in some non-Netflix territories, so I’m just gonna keep logging in until they throw me out kicking and screaming.

Speaking of life changes, as I mentioned on Bluesky in between getting bombarded by people excited about Kendrick Lamar releasing a new album, I finally ripped off the bandage and deleted my WWE Champions account and wiped the game from my devices today. I’ve been a player since the original beta in 2016 and it was just too toxic and too greedy, even for my low standards, and the money and time being sunk into it just wasn’t giving anything back to me anymore. People often told me about the “sunk cost fallacy” and yeah, on one level you know about it, but then just continue on doing the same stupid thing for no real reward because it used to make you happy and deliver the dopamine rush. But much like with Twitter, where I had cultivated a following but by the end spent my day doomscrolling and getting more depressed about what it had become, I finally just reached the point with the game where I mentally reconciled that I was throwing money and more importantly time at absolutely nothing, and one day Scopely was just gonna shut it down and I’d be left with nothing anyway. Really, it wasn’t making me happy any longer and it was time to go. What really makes me happy is writing about stupid wrestling shows. So let’s do that.

Taped from Yakima, WA

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Jim Ross & Mr. Perfect

The Man They Call Vader v. Alex THE PUG Porteau & Lou Andrews

Jose Lothario joins us on commentary and that’s something. Porteau tries to take Vader down with a drop toehold and that’s just sad, and Vader no-sells it and chokeslams THE PUG. Man, Porteau really dropped from Jobber to the Stars to straight up jobber in record time here. Vader hits him with a corner splash after decimating Lou Andrews. Vader puts Andrew in a torture rack while Perfect asks Lothario if his view is blocked, and then clarifies “Jose, can you see?” OK I laughed at that one. Double Vader Bomb, done twice, as he stacks them up like CORDWOOD and pins them both at 3:44.

SLAM JAM! WITH HANDSOME DOK HENDRIX!

Did you know that SUPER SIZE STRIDEX is presenting Summerslam? You probably would know it because they mention it every other sentence. I mean, wrestling fans do have greasy complexions so it’s kind of a perfect pairing, but still. We get a fired up promo from Shawn Michaels and Jose, and they have absolutely no chemistry together whatsoever.

Meanwhile, somewhere in the forest, we meet THE STALKER. Great, another sexual deviant, just what this company needs. Oh, wait, apparently he’s just hunting people for sport and eating them. Well that’s different.

Meanwhile, on RAW, Ahmed Johnson and Faarooq get into a brawl after a match with Goldust.

Faarooq Asad v. Adrian Lester

Faarooq is using actual gladiator music here, which is a bit on the nose. Although he’s still introduced as “Faarooq Asad” here, the announcers have already dropped the last name and are just referring to him exclusively as “Faarooq”. Lester the Unlikely tries a crucifix and Faarooq drops him with a slam and then quickly finishes with the Dominator (not yet named) at 1:30. None of this worked and I’m glad they retooled the character completely almost before this even aired.

Meanwhile, Gorilla reluctantly agrees to allow the mysterious jailbird back into the WWF, because god knows they just let anyone into the company and some of them even get appointed to important cabinet positions in government while a major lawsuit is pending against them.

Sid v. Marty Jannetty

Case in point, as realistically Marty burned through all the chances he was due long before this run even began. Sid no-sells all of Marty’s stuff and then goes to the floor and chokeslams Leif Cassidy for good measure, but Marty clips the knee to take over. This brings out the British Bulldog to watch as Marty wraps the knee around the post and we take a break. Back with Marty working the leg, and there’s nothing more exciting than watching SID having to sell for extended periods of time. Besides, we all know it would take something pretty drastic for him to ever hurt his leg really badly anyway. Never gonna happen. Unless someone was dumb enough to ever tell him to jump off the top rope, but how likely is THAT? Marty goes up and lands on Sid’s foot, and Sid makes the comeback, trying to overcome the awesome challenge of Marty Jannetty. Lariat sends Marty flying with a 360 somersault sell, and the powerbomb finishes at 5:00. Really Marty working in that clothesline sell justified the match.

The Goon v. Doug Allen

Goon drops the gloves and beats on Doug in the corner, then cross-checks him and puts the skates to him. Goon slams him into a faceplant in a uniquely ugly move, and then follows with a deliberately bad suplex. He chokes Allen out on the ropes, but Doug comes back with a clothesline and goes to the top, and then misses when Goon does a Samoa Joe sidestep. Bodycheck puts Allen on the floor and Goon hits him with a crosscheck to the back, into the boards, and he wins by countout at 3:10. This gimmick is so, so stupid but Bill Irwin is 100% dedicated to making it work as much as he can at this point. Sadly everyone got bored with it pretty quickly, Irwin included.

Meanwhile, let’s meet Olympic strongman MARK HENRY.

Goldust joins us in the ring to reveal a big secret, talking about someone’s Mommy and how he’s going to cage up Marc Mero at Summerslam and steal Sable. This was all bullshit that went nowhere and made no sense. Goldust was definitely floundering after losing the IC title.

The Bushwackers v. Michelle Starr & Diamond Timothy Flowers

Goddamn it’s an Al Tomko all-star team on the jobber side. Tell me how you know we’re in Washington state without telling me. Starr gets dominated in the Bushwacker corner while Brian Pillman joins us for commentary and he’s kind of rambling. The heels get whipped into each other and they finish Starr quickly with the battering ram at 2:40.

Next week: FREDDIE JOE FLOYD & SAVIO VEGA V. UNCLE ZEB & BRADSHAW!

And we close with Mr. Bob Backlund, at the time the craziest idiot ever to run for President, and he’s promising a new protégé who will bring morality to the WWF. That of course is the thrilling first tease of the Sultan. As if a good moral company like the WWF would ever ally themselves with a crazy man running for President or give airtime to sultans. That’s just nonsense.