The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 08.03.96

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 08.03.96

Taped from Yakima, WA, on 07.23.96

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Mr. Perfect & Jim Ross

I think there’s 4 or 5 episodes left before it moves from syndication to USA Network, and that’s where I’ll leave it. I might actually go all the way back to 1994 and start that up again, because I left off after Summerslam 94 due to boredom and never got to the Diesel / Shawn breakup. Of course by then it’ll be on Netflix and who knows what’s moving over.

The Smoking Gunns v. Adrian Lester & Matt Farmer

Wait, is that Matt Farmer from the Bryan & Vinny Show? I guess it must be since we’re in Washington. The Gunns double-team Farmer while we’re treated to Phineas Godwinn on commentary, declaring himself an expert on stupidity. Billy with the corner clothesline off Bart’s back, and they finish with the Sidewinder at 2:30. Apparently the issue we’re supposed to care about for the Summerslam 4-way tag match is Godwinns v. Gunns, even though they basically blew off that feud weeks ago.

SLAM JAM! WITH HANDSOME DOK HENDRIX!

Mankind joins us from a boiler room to talk about all the things he’s going to do to Undertaker, mostly making him sing along with songs where he doesn’t know the words. DIABOLICAL.

Wildman Marc Mero v. WHO

The announcers do their pained tribute to Abbott & Costello for all the kids out there with their Abbott & Costello movie collections. Although I actually do have an Abbott & Costello Blu-Ray box set and it’s pretty awesome, so disregard that last part. Mero works the arm while Goldust’s usher comes down to give another gift, and we get an inset promo from Goldust while we completely ignore the match and Who chokes him out on the ropes. Apparently Goldust is facing Mero at Summerslam, which I absolutely do not remember. Mero makes a comeback and slugs Who down, but runs into an elbow in the corner. He gets a double arm cradle to finish at 3:30, however. And then Mero tears up whatever the gift from Goldust was supposed to be.

Meanwhile, at International Incident, Vader pins Shawn Michaels to set up the Summerslam main event in a PPV that certainly happened.

T.L. Hopper v. Barry Horowitz

Barry actually gets an entrance here, something that hasn’t happened in a while. Hopper puts Barry down with a faceplant and slugs him down as JR promises a special music video about Bret Hart later in the show, so “set your VCRs!” Yeah that’s the only way the music would have been saved because I bet they cut it out of this show. Hopper misses a splash and Horowitz makes a comeback with a dropkick and a double arm suplex for two. But then Hopper powerslams him and pins him at 2:49. So that was Hopper’s big TV win to give him credibility before he lost every match from here on. So afterwards Hopper smothers Barry with the plunger, while Mr. Bob Backlund comes down and looks on in disgust. Apparently whatever this led to got cut because they don’t mention him again.

Sid joins new interviewer Kevin Kelly in the ring, offering British Bulldog a game to play at Summerslam: Two men enter, one man survives. Ah, so they’re playing by the old navy rules, then!

The Bodydonnas v. Randy Taylor & Sumito

Zip works on Sumito’s arm while we’re joined by the Rockers now, making deliberately lame jokes. I’d say that they at least evolved past that but I followed Al Snow’s Twitter account for a long time and sadly I know better. Taylor gets hit with a Doctor bomb from Zip and Skip finishes him with a top rope rana at 2:14. The Donnas are so dead in the water as babyfaces.

Meanwhile, we get the Bret Hart video, which actually is left intact because “You Start The Fire” was written by Jim Johnston and thus they don’t have to pay him any money to use it. I guess Jim was in his generic country rock phase or something judging by this song and the Superstars theme at the time.

Freddie Joe Floyd v. Zebekiah

Zeb slugs away in the corner, but Freddie rolls him up and pins him at 0:15. So Zeb protests that he wasn’t ready and the match doesn’t count, and thus he demands a rematch immediately. So we go again and Zeb attacks again, but Freddie hits him with a bodypress and pins him again. So Zeb challenges him again, offering him $5000 this time, and so Freddie stupidly accepts that deal and Bradshaw runs in for the DQ and destroys him as a result. Luckily Savio Vega is there to make the save, presumably setting up a tag match on whatever show was lower on the food chain than Superstars at that point. Oh, we’re already at rock bottom? Well never mind then.

SLAM JAM! WITH HANDSOME DOK HENDRIX!

We get words from newcomer Faarooq Asaad and Sunny, hyping up the Intercontinental title match with Ahmed Johnson that never happened.

Meanwhile, Clarence Mason has a client who was previously in jail for weapons and drug charges, but Gorilla Monsoon has concerns about letting him into the company.

Savio Vega v. The British Bulldog

Owen joins us on commentary with his Slammy, complaining about everyone going after his broken arm and slowing the healing process. Also I totally had that King of Harts shirt he’s wearing and it was my favorite for many years. Savio takes Bulldog down with armdrags while the commentary is edited out for a minute for reasons I’m not sure about. Bulldog slugs him down and follows with a delayed suplex, so delayed that it should be called the Coyote v. ACME movie release date, and it gets two. Bulldog sends him into the corner and puts the boots to him for two as we take a break during a chinlock and return exactly where we left. Savio comes back with a bodypress for two and a backdrop for two. Savio rolls him up for two, but Bulldog runs him into Cornette on the apron and powerslams him for the pin at 3:21.

Next week: Sid v. Marty Jannetty!

Man this show is just running on fumes and limping towards the end. I don’t even have a lot to crack jokes about, it’s just SAD.