The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 07.27.96

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 07.27.96

Well, the country song intro is back, but with mostly action clips instead of the stylized graphics.

Taped from Yakima, WA on 07.23.96

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Jim Ross & Mr. Perfect

The Godwinns v. Lou Andrews & Mike Miller

Miller was a longtime Portland guy, so it makes sense that he’d be working this taping. Sunny joins us on commentary as we take a look back on RAW, with Shawn shoving her face in a cake. These days she’d have to be careful not to hurt herself on the file hidden inside it. Phineas finishes Miller with the Slop Drop at 1:30. Afterwards Sunny keeps egging Phineas on and then runs away, as they announce that the Gunns will defend in a four-way match at Summerslam.

Meanwhile, on RAW, Sunny introduces her new gladiator, Faarooq Asad. And Vince introduces him as Ron Simmons back on the show, but he gets all offended and says that “one foot is shorter than the other because he broke off so many pieces of it in people’s backsides.”

SLAM JAM! WITH HANDSOME DOK HENDRIX!

We get the announcement of Ahmed defending the Intercontinental title against Faarooq, but of course Ahmed didn’t make it out of the RAW taping without injuring himself and that match didn’t happen. Plus Mankind v. Undertaker in a Boiler Room Brawl, and Shawn defends the WWF title against Vader!

Salvatore Sincere v. Billy Two Eagles

Vince decides that Salvatore is not actually sincere in his words, which is rich coming from a guy who lied through an entire documentary about himself. I did pop for Billy Two Eagles, who was a longtime Al Tomko guy in the 80s and was generally the top ethnic babyface by default. Sincere gets a sling blade and then an over the shoulder powerbomb before finishing with Sincerely Yours at 2:20. Tom Brandi was a decent worker but it wasn’t a role intended to go anywhere.

Meanwhile, corrupt attorney Clarence Mason debuts on RAW and attempts to get a mysterious convict reinstated. Was it Sunny? She might have a dagger tattoo on her forehead by now, you never know.

Sycho Sid v. Brooklyn Brawler

Sid chokes him out on the ropes as we learn that Sid is facing British Bulldog at Summerslam. Sid quickly hits the chokeslam and finishes with the powerbomb at 1:30.

Meanwhile, on RAW again, Jim Cornette and Vader claim to be the bully that beat up the kids in school and stole their lunch money, and Shawn is going to be their next victim.

The New Rockers v. Buddy Wayne & Suwio

The Rockers have better gear now and Leif is starting to show the heel edge that improved his character by a lot and turned him back into Al Snow. I recall really getting into the Rockers by this point because Snow was allowed to actually show the charisma he had in SMW before he got this job. Buddy Wayne of course we know and he’s another Tomko mainstay, so all we need is Diamond Timothy Flowers to get the trifecta here. The Rockers throw Suwio around and it’s over to Buddy, as Leif puts the boots to him and then Marty whips Leif into him with an elbow in the corner. Marty with a back elbow as Vince struggles to figure out what “Suwio” translates into. It’s a dumb name so I can’t blame him. Cassidy with a belly to belly on Wayne out of the corner, and Marty comes in with a double-team powerbomb thing that they apparently fucked up so badly that they needed to repeat the spot for the pin at 4:38. According to History of WWE, the blown spot was edited out of the original broadcast, but it’s sure here in all its glory. Well not a great start for the “New and Improved” Rockers.

Meanwhile, new announcer Kevin Kelly enters out lives, and interviews Bradshaw and Uncle Zeb, as Zeb challenges Freddie Joe Floyd to a match. I bet Kevin and Dutch traded some notes about politics after the segment.

Alex “the Pug” Porteau v. Diamond Timothy Flowers

And there we go! Flowers was looking pretty yoked at this point. Brian Pillman comes out for distraction and does an interview with Jim Ross while the Pug misses a bodypress and we basically ignore the match. Pillman talks about enjoying the pain of the fans while Porteau wins with a rollup at 1:30. Well, if he wants to see despair and defeat in the eyes of the fans, a 1996 Superstars taping is the perfect place! You could literally hear a pin drop during the last two matches.

SLAM JAM! WITH HANDSOME DOK HENDRIX!

More midcard matches added to Summerslam already, like Marc Mero v. Goldust! Can’t say they’re wasting any time promoting this one.

Jerry Lawler v. Aldo Montoya

Aldo has dedicated this match to his good friend Jake the Snake, which gives us the rare sight of Aldo Montoya getting promo time. Why, if he could pull off the upset here, that would be just spectacular! Just amazing! Etc. Aldo dropkicks Lawler into the corner while we get an inset promo from Lawler where he makes various claims about the sobriety of Jake Roberts and insinuates that he might not be telling the truth about it. Lawler tries to throw punches in the corner and Montoya fights back, but Lawler gets a single boot to the gut and hits the piledriver. But then we take a break and return with Lawler continuing the beating instead of just taking the win. Oh joy. Lawler goes up and hits Montoya with a clubbing forearm before giving us a Fargo strut. Backdrop gets two. Aldo reverses a second one into a DDT, however, and gets the upset pin at 7:28. That’s just the coolest! That’s just the best! That’s just…

Oh sorry we’re out of time.

This was another super-lame episode filled with jobbers and nobodies as Vince has clearly given up on the show. And it hasn’t even moved to USA Network yet!