The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 07.20.96

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 07.20.96

Yee haw, the “wrestlers with side jobs” era continues unabated again this week. This might be the worst set of Superstars tapings in WWF history. Seriously, if it wasn’t for Steve Austin saving these shows with the three minutes of airtime he gets each week, they might as well have shut down the company and called it a day as far as I was concerned at the time.

Taped from LaCrosse, WI on 06.25.96

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Mr. Perfect & Jim Ross

Hunter Hearst Helmsley v. Wildman Marc Mero

The ring announcer has a really weird cadence for Hunter here, announcing him as “Hunter…Hearsthelmsley” for some reason. The graphics just Mero as “Wildman” so I’m assuming they were going to try phasing out his name and it failed. They fight for the lockup to start and Mero works the arm while the announcers put over the amazing time had by all on the Wrestle Vessel. Surprised that it took Chris Jericho to revive that gimmick. Mero continues working the arm, but Hunter slams out of it, so Mero just goes right back to that arm again. This brings out Marlena to annoy Sable as we take a break. Back with Mero still working the arm and a bodypress for ONE TWO HE GOT HIM NO HE DIDN’T. Mero with a sunset flip for ONE TWO AND ALMOST A COUNT OF THREE and he puts Hunter down with a clothesline and then slugs him down and tosses him in frustration. See, Marlena gave Sable a present and he’s MAD about it, and that allows Hunter to attack him from behind on the floor to take over. Back in the ring, Hunter goes up with a devastating clubbing forearm off the top, but it only gets two. Man, he flipped the hair first and everything. I guess Kevin Nash’s teachings were cut short by him leaving the company. Hunter with a delayed suplex for two and they slug it out in the corner, but Mero wins that, so Hunter hits him with a backbreaker. Back to the top for Hunter, but this time he forgets to flip his hair, and that allows Mero to hit him on the way down and make the comeback. Headscissor takedown and atomic drop sets up a kneelift and BAAAAAAAAACK BODY DROP. Mero goes up with a double axehandle, but he misses a blind charge and hits boot. Mero sends Hunter into the corner for a Flair Flip and then they fight on the top rope before Mero brings him down with the rana for the clean pin at 10:13. I know the narrative is that Hunter was being jobbed down the card and punished, but this was a very competitive match and you wouldn’t think Hunter was anything but a pushed midcard guy watching this. ***

SLAM JAM! WITH HANDSOME DOK HENDRIX!

Dok notes that Goldust puts the “W” in “Weird”. Why, does he have sex with couches, too? Anyway he’s facing the Undertaker at International Incident, a show I have absolutely no desire to redo but I might have to.

The Goon v. Dan Jesser

Another “notable” debut here, with a gimmick that’s more clever than good. Goon drops the gloves and slugs Jesser down as Perfect doxes him as “Bill Irwin” as Vince calls Vancouver a hot spot for hockey. Well, I mean, not in July, when hockey was long done for the season, but I appreciate the attempt. Goon continues beating on Jesser, who comes back with a wristlock and outsmarts Goon by using the jersey as a weapon against him. Goon, being a one-dimensional hockey fighter, can’t figure out how to escape a simple wristlock, but just slams into Jesser in the corner to break free. “Reminds me of the Hanson brothers from Slap Shot” notes JR, literally spelling out the reference for any fans who didn’t get it by now. THAT’S THE JOKE, THANK YOU, JIM. Goon wants another fight and Jesser protests to the ref, so Goon hip-checks him and then gives him a cross-check to the floor, and then runs him into the apron from behind and wins by countout at 4:32. That actually should have been a major penalty for boarding and a game misconduct, but the quality of refereeing in the WWF is about as good as the NHL. God help me this was incredibly stupid, but Irwin and the jobber were so committed to the bit that it went all the way around and became entertaining. From there the Goon just became a normal TV jobber without the cerebral backstory in the matches, however.

Meanwhile, we learn that Savio Vega is facing Bradshaw in the Free 4 All match at the PPV. Hey, the Vault should totally put together a compilation of those matches sometime, because they’re not archived on the WWE Network anywhere.

Meanwhile, everyone has fun on the Wrestle Vessel and Mr. Perfect is great at all the games and sports.

The Bushwhackers v.RT Williams & Rod Bell

Usual squash for the Bushwhackers, as JR notes that they’re on the New Zealand Olympic team for “javelin catching”. They set up for the battering ram, but Rod Bell just steps out of the way and then makes the mistake of pointing to his head to indicate intelligence. This allows Brian Pillman to come out and distract him, and the Whackers finish with the move on the second try. And then Pillman, agent of chaos, cheerleads for the babyfaces and then turns on Luke with the crutch and leaves.

Stone Cold Steve Austin v. Sonny Rodgers

Austin, still not wearing his gear, is disgusted by the quality of “competition” and he’s not going to bother wrestling this week. Why should the King of the Ring wrestle THE KING OF LOSERS? Harsh. So Austin forfeits the match, giving Rodgers a historic win over Steve Austin. So he tells the ref to raise his hand, and then turns on Rodgers and beats the hell out of him before giving him the STONE COLD STUNNER. That stunner is looking more smooth every week. See what I mean about Austin carrying the show with his three minutes of airtime?

Meanwhile, on RAW, Shawn Michaels notes that he’s got a history with Sid that he can’t get into right now, but it means that Sid will show up for sure. And Cornette sends Vader and Bulldog home, but then they SHOCKINGLY reappear and ambush Shawn and Ahmed. Until Sid drives in from off-camera and smashes some pallets with his car and makes the save. Who would give that man a license?

Owen Hart, British Bulldog & Vader v. Bill Payne, Rex Royal & Kevin Kruger

Bulldog hits Royal with a drop suplex out of the corner and it’s over to Kruger, who gets mauled by Vader. Vader boxes his ears in the corner as Vince reminds us that no one WWF superstar is above answering to the fans, which is why Warrior is gone. I don’t even know where to start with that statement. Vader suplexes Kruger for two, but picks him up. Vader just smashes Kruger with more shots and it’s back to Bulldog, who changes his mind and lets Owen in for a dropkick before Bulldog finishes him off with a powerslam at 3:43. Owen and Bulldog were such an obviously great tag team that I’m shocked they didn’t get the tag team titles months sooner than they did.

And we finish with Undertaker’s music video, which is literally just his entrance theme intercut with spooky music cues and some footage of his feud with Mankind and Goldust.

Well, much like everything else this month, that did absolutely nothing to make me want to see International Incident, but it was at least clearly the best show of this wretched taping cycle. So I’ll take that.