The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 07.13.96

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 07.13.96

Taped from LaCrosse, WI

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Mr. Perfect & Jim Ross

BREAKING NEWS: SID IS IN, WARRIOR IS OUT. More on that later.

The Bodydonnas v. Todd Becker & Rock Wagner

Rock Wagner sounds like the third Outrunner. But he definitely doesn’t look like one. We get an inset promo from Cloudy and Skip hits Becker with a top rope rana to set up a Bombs Away from Zip for the pin at 2:20. Meanwhile Sunny and Gunns watch from the aisle, setting up that non-title match at the PPV that everyone is so hot to see.

Meanwhile, Gorilla Monsoon indefinitely suspends Ultimate Warrior and promises that Warrior will return as soon as he posts an “appearance bond”, because (and I hope you’re sitting down because this is pretty shocking) he NO-SHOWED A HOUSE SHOW. And you know how much Vince McMahon hates disappointing the paying fans! So Warrior gets taken out later on that RAW show and Shawn Michaels is lacking a partner, so he calls up the local softball league and drafts Sid as his new partner. Man, that one sure worked out well for Sid in the end. Jim Cornette does a funny promo in response, mind blown that Sid has been gone for six months and living in an insane asylum “where they stick those electrodes in your head”. I wonder if that’s the same asylum in Venezuela where the late great Hannibal Lecter comes from?

Also think of this: They were concerned about the dependability of Ultimate Warrior, so they fired him and replaced him with SID VICIOUS instead. That’s some serious irony right there.

TL Hopper v. Duke Droese

Oh my god I thought this was a meme but they’re actually doing a match. These three months might seriously be the low point for the WWF, at least creatively speaking. Duke trades shoulderblocks with Hopper to start and slams him, but he misses a blind charge and Hopper beats him down in the corner to take over. Hopper with the backdrop, but Duke comes back with a powerslam and goes for the Trash Compactor. But Hopper grabs the top rope to escape, and hits a brainbuster for the pin at 4:48. JR dubs it “Down the Drain” in the least interesting choice of finisher name ever. This was abysmal. DUD

SLAM JAM! WITH HANDSOME DOK HENDRIX!

We get a promo from Shawn, Ahmed and Sid, as Sid clarifies the difference between “crazy” and “eccentric”.

Mankind v. Jerry Fox

Mankind ties up Fox in the corner and puts the boots to him, and then dodges a dropkick to put Fox on the floor. He drops Fox facefirst on the apron, THE HARDEST PART OF THE RING, and back in for more ripping and tearing in the corner. Texas piledriver and the Mandible Claw finish at 2:45.

Jake Roberts joins us to talk about Jesus, who is just all right with him. Jake’s demons no longer have power over him, but all this talk of peace and salvation brings out Mankind to FIGHT. You know, I don’t want to accuse Vince McMahon of being a hypocrite, but Jake no-showed the PPV match against Mankind and still managed to get booked for Summerslam without having to post an “appearance bond”.

Alex “The Pug” Porteau v. Barry Horowitz

Oh lord I almost forgot about this one. Porteau was another “name jobber” experiment who would get his squash win here and then job to everyone on the roster weekly on TV from there on. They do some mat wrestling and Barry gets a cradle for two. Porteau with an abdominal stretch into the rollup to finish at 2:49. Recycling the Steiner Brothers music for Porteau was NO BUYS.

Meanwhile, JR interviews Freddie Joe Floyd, who is just so gosh-darn excited to face Bradshaw again tonight.

Freddie Joe Floyd v. Justin Hawk Bradshaw

Bradshaw storms in and beats on him, but Floyd dropkicks him to the floor. Back in, Bradshaw with a pumphandle slam and a big boot to send Floyd to the railing outside as Smothers is just bumping like crazy for him here. Back in the ring, Floyd gets a small package for two, but Bradshaw hits him with a senton. Freddie fights back again, so Bradshaw wraps him up in an abdominal stretch. Freddie fights out of that and hits him with a Jaw Jacker elbow, but Bradshaw runs him into the corner. So Freddie fights back again until Bradshaw puts him down with a cheapshot and we take a break. Back with Floyd ducking the big boot and bailing to the floor to sucker him into a chase, but Bradshaw plows him with a lariat for two before picking him up for more punishment. Another lariat finishes at 6:35. Thankfully we get one decent match on this show. Bradshaw continues the punishment on Freddie, but Savio Vega makes the save to set up another horrible feud that no one cares about.

Next week: Marc Mero v. Hunter Hearst Helmsley!

And Brian Pillman joins the announce team to tearfully tell them all how much he loves them for rescuing him (presumably from WCW) and thinks of them all like brothers. Except for Vince, who is much older and thus more like a father. Perfect’s disgusted look for all of this was tremendous.

I’m really feeling the excitement for International Incident now!