The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 07.13.91

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 07.13.91

Taped from Sacramento, CA on 06.14.91

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Roddy Piper & Randy Savage

The British Bulldog v. Ed Moretti

Vince is immediately burying Moretti as being “just back from the fat farm”. Moretti was a name guy around the Vancouver and PNW area as Moondog Moretti but wasn’t a great worker or anything. They trade full nelsons and Davey does the spot where the jobber walks the ropes to escape and Davey drops him on his head, and then backdrops him and goes to a chinlock. Moretti fights out, but Davey hits him with a corner clothesline and the powerslam finishes at 2:50. Bulldog’s house show feud with Perfect was pretty much abandoned by this point and we don’t even get an inset promo from a heel here.

UPDATE! WITH MEAN GENE OKERLUND!

We take a look back at Macho Man proposing last week, and then go to a promo with Hulk Hogan & Ultimate Warrior as Hulk has what looks like a Hannibal Lecter mask on his face, building up the lackluster main event. It’s a shame because that’s one of my favorite shows of all time but that main event was such a drag.

The Natural Disasters v. Koko B. Ware & Bob Frazier

Jimmy Hart notes that “there’s over half a ton of weight in the ring” and Piper gets all MATHEMATICAL on us, because the Disasters were announced at 850 pounds and a ton is 2000 pounds. I SURE HOPE SOMEONE GOT FIRED OVER THAT BLUNDER. Koko evades Quake to start and tags in Frazier for some stupid reason, which allows the heels to destroy him in the corner. Typhoon with a corner splash and Quake adds his own and finishes with the butt splash / big fat splash combo at 3:20. Not sure what the point of using Koko as a job guy here was.

Meanwhile, this week we get comments on Sid Justice from Big Bossman and The Mountie.

Hacksaw Jim Duggan v. Mike Starr

Another Vancouver regular with Mike “Michelle” Starr, and Vince buries him as well and says he can’t tell if it’s a man or a woman and then repeatedly calls him ugly. Duggan slugs away and tosses him to start, and then pulls the mats for some reason and throws him back in before finishing with the three point stance at 2:04.

Ted Dibiase v. Buddy Wayne

Yup, another Vancouver regular, although now better known for his son these days. Dibiase hits him with a clothesline and follows with a suplex before dropping the fist on him. Dibiase tosses him to the floor for a shot from Sherri, and back in for a powerslam while Savage denies ever having feelings for her. Million Dollar Dream finishes at 2:11.

The Funeral Parlor with special guests the Legion of Doom

The LOD wants us to know they’re going to hit the Doomsday Device on the Nasty Boys and win the tag team titles any day now. Man that feud went on forever and there just wasn’t anything to it.

Meanwhile, somewhere in the Everglades, we meet SKINNER, who is hunting gators.

IRS v. Scott Carlson

Irwin continues his vendetta with Roddy Piper, who reveals that he’s been repeatedly audited already and claims to be the poorest wrestler in the entire world thanks to his six kids. IRS tosses him while Savage wonders how Piper got all those kids despite beig on the road for years on end. Back in the ring, Irwin works the leg and adds a suplex before going to an abdominal stretch. He beats on Scott in the corner while Piper launches a series of personal attacks on him. Maybe that’s why Piper was getting audited! Maybe he shouldn’t talk shit about the IRS if he doesn’t want to suffer the consequences! Samoan drop finishes at 2:55.

SUMMERSLAM REPORT! WITH MEAN GENE OKERLUND!

Added this week: Bret Hart challenges Mr. Perfect at THE SUMMERSLAM for the Intercontinental title! Virgil challenges Ted Dibiase for the Million Dollar Belt!

Mr. Perfect v. Larry Ludden

Ludden attacks and tries some forearms, so Perfect dropkicks him and hits him with a kneelift. Necksnap follows as apparently his back isn’t completely wrecked at this juncture because he’s moving around pretty good. Perfect chokes him out on the ropes and blocks a monkey flip with an atomic drop. And NOW YOU’RE GONNA SEE A PERFECTPLEX at 2:49.

NEXT WEEK: Beverly Brothers! The Dragon! The Nasty Boys! Virgil! Sgt. Slaughter!

Man can Sid just get here already because these summer shows are BORING.