The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 07.06.96

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 07.06.96

Taped from LaCrosse, WI on 06.25.96

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Mr. Perfect & Jim Ross

Oh man, we’re back to action of a graphic nature again.

Ahmed Johnson v. Brock Wagner

Big black guys covered in baby oil no longer have the same innocent appeal that they did a few weeks ago. Brock attacks in the corner and gets nowhere, and Ahmed plows into him and sends him to the floor, and then back in for an axe kick. Brock tries to fight back with some clubbing forearms and Ahmed calmly beats him down and follows with a spinebuster before finishing with the Pearl River Plunge at 2:18.

SLAM JAM! WITH HANDSOME DOK HENDRIX!

Goldust compares Undertaker to the G-Men who were stalking Bonnie and Clyde, for all the kids out there looking for hip references. Undertaker promises that there will be no sequel. Man this feud has nothing going for it.

The Smoking Gunns v. Barry Horowitz & RT Williams

Barry takes Billy down with armdrags and chases him into the corner as we cut to an interview with the Bodydonnas and new manager Cloudi, playing obnoxiously over the top babyfaces and smiling and laughing in a way that Chris Candido never did in his life. Back to the match, as RT comes in and gets double-teamed in the Gunns corner, and the Gunns finish with the Sidewinder at 3:20. Why would you put a non-title tag match on PPV in a match that wasn’t going to have any heat? That one never made sense to me on any level. That PPV was barely above the quality level of a house show to begin with and scored one of the lowest buyrates in history to that point. Even more telling how out of touch they were considering what the competition was presenting on PPV in July of 1996.

Meanwhile, even people in wheelchairs can lift weights thanks to WARRIOR UNIVERSITY.

Savio Vega v. WHO

He’s from “who knows where, weighing who knows what”, showing that he was just a few years ahead of his time. Vince immediately launches into his Abbott & Costello routine while Savio works the arm. RSPW at the time latched onto the phenomenon by making sure to note every use of “Who” with (nn) afterwards, to denote that the question was not referring to Neidhart. Savio with a crossbody for two, but Who clotheslines him down for two. The announcers think that the name is this wacky thing no one has ever heard of before, when there’s been this super-famous rock band called THE WHO for decades before this already. Who works on Savio in the corner while Vince talks about underwear and this is just dying on every level. The Joker once quipped “Killing is easy, comedy is hard” and this match proves it. Who chokes away on the ropes, but Vega slugs back and chops him in the corner and then dodges a blind charge and rolls him up for the pin at 5:34. This was SO terrible. And why not just stick Neidhart in Camp Cornette with Owen & Bulldog?

Meanwhile, on RAW, Mankind faces the trash guy and Jerry Lawler mocks Jake Roberts on commentary. In a clever finish, Duke goes for a bearhug and Mankind just sticks the fingers down his throat to counter and puts him out with the Mandible Claw. Jake Roberts gets into brawl with Jerry afterwards, and goes after Mankind to set up a PPV match that didn’t happen.

Meanwhile, also on RAW as this shows veers closer to a recap show on the way to moving to USA, Marlena puts the moves on Sable in a subplot that went nowhere.

Salvatore Sincere v. Dan Jesser

Sincere’s finisher should have been him setting something up and then the picture just goes to black. Sal drops an elbow from the middle rope, but Jesser fights back, so Sincere hits him in the gut and follows with a legsweep. And he finishes with an Uncle Slam at 2:22.

Camp Cornette joins JR for an interview, and Cornette does the whole promo and they say nothing much of note.

The Godwinns v. Sonny Rogers & Kevin Kruger

This one omits the entire Godwinn entrance and cuts right to the start of the match, I’m sure for musical reasons. Henry hits Rogers with a press slam, so he brings in the other guy and Phineas finishes him with a Slop Drop at 1:55.

Meanwhile, TL Hopper plunges a toilet and threatens to treat the babyfaces to what sounds like a colonoscopy. Who could possibly watch this show in 1996 and not be completely embarrassed to be a wrestling fan?

Stone Cold Steve Austin v. Aldo Montoya

Austin doesn’t bother to wear his gear, as he’s disgusted by the poor quality of competition that the WWF has to offer the newly crowned King of the Ring. So he forfeits the match to Aldo, and Steve gives him the gift of the “win” on his record to share with his grandchildren years later. But then, ha ha, he lied, and hits Aldo with the STONE COLD STUNNER. I’d advice Aldo not to trust anyone. Except Paul Heyman, he seems like a standup guy.

NEXT WEEK: The Bradshaw v. Freddie Joe Floyd rematch that was advertised for this week and is now moved to next week for some reason!

Who could possibly watch this drek and think “Man, Hall and Nash were fools to leave for that lame Outsiders thing!” Even by 1996 WWF standards this was a fucking terrible show.