The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 06.29.96

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 06.29.96

OK then! We’re skipping 06.22.96 because it’s just some kind of KOTR hype show with no matches, and I’m also skipping King of the Ring because I just reviewed it a couple of years ago.

https://www.blogofdoom.com/2015/05/04/the-smark-rant-for-wwf-king-of-ring/

So now we’re all caught up again.

Taped from LaCrosse, WI, drawing 3523, on 06.25.96

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Mr. Perfect & Jim Ross

Sadly we have no opening theme song this week as they’re overhauling the format again, doing a cold open to the first match…

The British Bulldog v. Buck Zumhofe

Oh man, when you need a reminder that there are in fact people in the world that are bigger scumbags than Vince McMahon, here’s Buck. Bulldog with a delayed suplex, so delayed that they should call it P Diddy’s bail, but he doesn’t want the pin and wants to deliver more punishment. I bet someone in the cell block is doing the same thing right now. Bulldog beats on Buck in the corner and adds a headbutt before going to a nerve pinch, but Zumhofe fights out of that and then misses a blind charge before Bulldog puts him away with the running powerslam at 3:12.

SLAM JAM! WITH HANDSOME DOK HENDRIX!

Next up on the PPV slate, it’s In Your House International Incident, with THE PEOPLE’S POSSE facing Camp Cornette. Warrior wandering around the promo set, looking like a coked up rock singer, is certainly a choice. Well it would be a moot point soon enough anyway. That was one of the few WWF PPVs I skipped at that point.

Duke Droese v. The Brooklyn Brawler

We are treated, TREATED I SAY, to TL Hopper on commentary, which I guess was building up an actual feud between the plumber and the garbageman. Duke gets a slam but misses an elbow, allowing the Brawler to take over. Duke misses a blind charge while Hopper asks Vince “if there’s any work he needs done”.

MOVING ON. Duke finishes with the Trash Compactor at 2:00.

Meanwhile, we recap the King of the Ring tournament, which resulted in Steve Austin winning over Jake Roberts in the finals in a match you may have heard about before.

Hunter Hearst Helmsley v. Jerry Fox

And now we’re joined by the Superstars debut of Brian Pillman on commentary. Hunter escapes a headlock and slugs away on Fox in the corner while Pillman predicts that his comeback in the ring will be triumphant when it happens. Sadly it didn’t work out that way. Hunter drops a knee and follows with a high knee before finishing with the Pedigree at 2:50. Harvey was the referee here and it seems like they’ve already dropped the storyline and made him a normal ref.

Sunny joins Jim Ross for an interview in the ring, and she talks about how horrible and disgusting that this new girl Cloudy is, and then apologizes for all the horrible things she’s done to Phineas Godwinn, because she’s not that type of person. 20 years of hindsight has indicated that she is absolutely that horrible of a person. Anyway, she calls out PIG and he tells her that he loves her. So Sunny tells him to give her a kiss, and she hauls off and slaps him, tells him off for good, and then has the Smoking Gunns attack him until HOG makes the save and beats up the Gunns single-handedly to get some revenge. PIG goes to slop Sunny, but he can’t pull the trigger, so she arrogantly blows him a kiss, and he finally dumps the bucket on her. This was a pretty good angle to set up the Gunns-Godwinns rematch at IYH!

Oh wait, you mean they didn’t do that match at IYH? They did a pointless non-title match against the dead Bodydonnas instead? Well, then, never mind.

Also something something worst thing Vince has seen dumped on a woman’s head something something. I’m workshopping that one.

Wildman Marc Mero v. Don Callis

Look at the luxurious head of hair on that Callis kid! Mero works a headlock and goes up with a double axehandle, before slugging him down for the pin at 2:25.

Goldust v. Todd Becker

Goldust beats Becker down in the corner and follows with a clothesline before tossing him out to the floor. Meanwhile we get an inset promo from Marc Mero where he warns Marlena not to be hitting on Sable and making passes at her. As intriguing as this is and worth pursuing, I don’t think it went anywhere, and Goldust finishes with the Final Cut at 2:00.

Freddie Joe Floyd v. Justin Hawk Bradshaw

The influx of the gimmick jobbers continues with Floyd, who was a multi-layered rib on the Brisco Brothers, complete with hometown of “Bow Legs, OK”. Freddie tries for a takedown and gets knocked over, but he comes back with some armdrags and works on that. But then Bradshaw puts him down with a big boot as he likes to MIX IT UP ROUGH HOUSE STYLE. Floyd fights back and slugs away with his redneck kung fu moves, but it only gets two. Bradshaw cuts him off with a slam, but Zeb demands another slam, and Bradshaw obliges. But Zeb isn’t happy yet and wants ONE MORE TIME, so he continues doing it. But finally a fourth one is reversed into a cradle, which gets two. But he hangs on and that gets two again. But he still won’t let go and that gets the pin at 5:00. Um, I think that needed to be edited down to one attempt, because it made Bradshaw look like a wuss who wasn’t able to kick out of a simple cradle. Floyd of course never won another TV match, and this was just to establish him as a guy who could conceivably win a match before he jobbed the next 400 times in a row. He’d have quite the career turnaround in ECW anyway.

SLAM JAM! WITH HANDSOME DOK HENDRIX!

Dok runs down the card of IYH, with no title matches and nothing particularly appealing. Well at least the main event got inadvertently interesting.

NEXT WEEK: FREDDIE JOE FLOYD V. JUSTIN HAWK BRADSHAW ROUND 2!

This was quite the show actually.