The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 06.08.96

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 06.08.96

Taped from Charleston, SC

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Jim Ross & Mr. Perfect

The Godwinns v. The Ringlords

I have no idea who the Ringlords are, although Vince identifies the first one as “JW”. And then a quick trip down the rabbit hole reveals that they’re the team formerly known as Magnum Force in WCW. So the Bodydonnas are on commentary here, and they reveal that they’ve fired Sunny and are actively looking for a new manager, which leads to one of the worst payoffs in wrestling history and that’s saying something. Phineas has a “spell” and chases JW out of the ring and Henry has to calm him down as we enter into the incredibly stupid Bushwhacker era for the team where they became dancing idiots and did jobs for months before turning heel. Henry finishes JW with the Slop Drop at 3:30. Now I’m double sad they didn’t pull HOG away as a single and make him a hoss fighting badass like they teased last week against Bradshaw.

SLAM JAM! WITH HANDSOME DOK HENDRIX!

We discuss the double pin finish at Beware of Dog again. Goldust quotes The Color Purple (1985 original, not the weird musical reboot from a couple of years ago) and talks about fantasizing about black dudes, because “once you’re soared in the darkness, you’ll never go back.” Yikes, that’s pretty spicy for a 1996 show aimed at kids.

Steve Austin v. Jason Ahrndt

As pointed out a couple of weeks ago, Jason would later pop up as Joey Abs in the Attitude era. Austin works the arm while Vince talks about how “another organization has signed Big Daddy Cool and the Bad Guy and they’re certain to try and capitalize on the former fame they had in the WWF”. Real “NICE PROMOTION YOU GOT THERE, BE A SHAME TO SEE SOMETHING HAPPEN TO IT” energy there. Man if only Vince had even the slightest idea of how spectacularly it would backfire on him when he let them get away to the competition. Austin with a back suplex and he goes to a chinlock before beating him down some more and then finishing with a new move that he apparently calls THE STONE COLD STUNNER AT 3:00, which by the way is the debut appearance for that particular move.

Meanwhile, Clarence Mason threatens Gorilla Monsoon with all kinds of litigation.

Meanwhile, we recap the history between Shawn Michaels and the British Bulldog, retconning them into a long term feud and making sure to shovel some dirt on Diesel on the way out as well.

Mankind v. Bruno Detista

Mankind takes the guy to the floor and beats on him out there while Vince calls him “Batista”. I think he’s confusing him with another guy. Mankind with the running knee in the corner and he tears at the face before hitting a neckbreaker and finishing with the Mandible Claw at 2:20. The idea of Mankind having sinister entrance music and then calming exit music is a brilliant idea that I’m shocked no one else has even really tried since then.

SPECIAL REPORT!

This week, Vince investigates the current work of Harvey Wippleman, who has been making a report on the WWF officials and referees, and Gorilla Monsoon actually reads the report and is impressed. So Gorilla makes Harvey a WWF referee, starting next week. Yeah that went nowhere.

Meanwhile, WARRIOR presents another pseudo-religious nonsense vignette with the blind newspaper vendor. I can just see Vince gritting his teeth and trying to find a way to get this shit off his TV show as soon as possible. Vince McMahon is the only false idol to be worshipped on these!

Jerry Lawler v. Marty Garner

Lawler whips Garner into the corner and slugs him RIGHT IN THE MUSH, but Garner gets a bodypress out of the corner for two. Marty slugs away in the corner and makes a comeback, but King tosses him off and Garner takes a nice bump off that. Lawler with the fistdrop and he finishes with a piledriver at 1:40. Fun squash as Lawler preps for the disaster of a match with the Warrior at the PPV.

King of the Ring first round: Savio Vega v. Marty Jannetty

Marty gets some offense and celebrates with some dancing, as this change was such a loser move for him and was also wildly out of character. Plus the Rockers were an 80s deal and Vince had them playing teen idols from the 70s and it made no sense. Savio comes back with a SUNDAY PUNCH, which is a term I’ve never seen outside of comic books from the 50s and 60s, and he goes to a headlock before Marty backs off into the corner. Savio with an atomic drop to send Marty to the floor as Vince crows about Savio driving Ted Dibase out of the WWF. Hope all those guys he’s burying don’t team up in the other promotion and get revenge by destroying the WWF’s main show for 82 weeks straight and nearly put Vince out of business! But how likely is THAT? Savio misses a charge and Marty takes over as we take a break while Leif Cassidy apparently tries to come to ringside, off-camera, and gets sent back during the commercial. Well that was weird. Did they forget to have Snow do a run-in and just decided to make up interference in post-production? Marty goes up for a fistdrop and lands on Savio’s boot, the rare time where that stupid spot actually makes sense, and Savio makes the comeback. Leg lariat finishes at 9:30 of a completely nothing match. *

Meanwhile, Vince recaps the history of Jake Roberts from 1985-1992, at which point he falls into a pit of drugs and alcohol before miraculously pulling himself out of it through JESUS. And then later on he fell right back into it again before beating it with yoga, which proves that DDP Yoga is stronger than the Bible. And apparently Jake will discuss his life story on the Action Zone and talk freely about all the crack he did. And that’s how we end the show, with nothing advertised for next week oddly enough. Well, outside of Harvey refereeing an Owen Hart match, I guess.

Not a great episode this week. This show has been a shockingly strong hour of wrestling for much of 1996 so far, but I’m worried that Vince’s attention span is waning and it’s going to drop off pretty soon.