The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 06.01.96

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 06.01.96

TIL that MacOS does this thing where you can long-press a key and get the accented version of the letter. Since there’s a German PPV coming up this weekend and such. Gonna need some umlauts!

Taped from Charleston, SC on 05.28.96 as a part of the redone “Beware of Dog” PPV, drawing 4500.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Mr. Perfect & Jim Ross

Jake “The Snake” Roberts v. George South

Jake gets a hiptoss and kneelift before taking him down and working the arm while Vince notes that hearing the crowd chant “DDT” makes Jake’s blood boil. I thought his blood boiled because it was 75% alcohol at this point and had a really low evaporation point. DDT finishes at 2:30.

Speaking of high alcohol content, Sunny and her new team, the Smoking Gunns, join us to discuss their tag team title win at Beware of Dog. Vince McMahon is DISGUSTED that anyone would play with the romantic affections of another person like Sunny did. Yeah you tell ‘em, Vince.

Meanwhile, Warrior University teaches us that even wheelchair-bound losers can lift weights. Truly an inspiration. I’m shocked we didn’t get a vignette where a gay guy goes to Warrior University and becomes a womanizing lothario.

The New Rockers v. The Hardy Boys

I know they’ve had singles matches but I believe this is the WWF debut for the Hardyz as a tag team. Leif puts the boots to Matt to start, and then whips Jeff into Matt, causing Matt to accidentally backdrop his brothers over the top in a crazy bump. The Rockers follow with a double dive onto them. Back in the ring, Marty slugs away on Jeff after pulling his headband down over his eyes, and Leif comes in with a legdrop and belly to belly suplex. Marty with a kneelift as Jeff bumps like a physics ragdoll demo while the Rockers dance. The Rockers finish with a wacky powerbomb clothesline combo at 3:45. I bet Matt and Jeff were firing off a list of all kinds of goofy bumps that they wanted to take backstage and the Rockers did their best to work them all in.

SLAM JAM! WITH HANDSOME DOK HENDRIX!

Vader has advanced to the semi-finals of the King of the Ring tournament already. Him and Cornette do their typical blustering interview and Dok quips “Gee, if they only had self-confidence” in a funny bit.

Superstars this week brought to you by Big Red, because if you don’t chew Big Red, FUCK YOU!

Meanwhile, we take a look back at In Your House, as Shawn and Bulldog do a double pin and thus need a rematch at King of the Ring. Diana Smith holding up the WWF title was a pretty good visual, I will say.

Hunter Hearst Helmsley v. Marty Garner

Vince notes that Hunter has some aspirations to being King of the Ring. I don’t think this is his year, for some reason. Just a feeling. Hunter does his bow and Garner dropkicks him from behind and gets some offense, but Hunter puts him down with a backbreaker and beats on him with forearms in the corner. Hunter USES THE KNEE to put him down and finishes with the Pedigree at 2:58, dropping him RIGHT ON HIS FUCKING HEAD with a terrifying bump that makes the Ospreay Tiger Driver look like a safe flat back bump. Geez, I was wondering why this match sounded so familiar and then I remembered. Did Garner just decide to take that bump himself? Because if so, DUDE, we gotta talk.

Meanwhile, Paul Bearer is very confused how Mankind got into the casket at Beware of Dog, but Undertaker is going to get his revenge at King of the Ring. Ah, that actually makes sense now in retrospect.

Yokozuna v. Tony Johnson

Yoko beats on the jobber with chops and hits him with a samoan drop and then finishes with the Hulkbuster legdrop and butt splash at 1:50.

Meanwhile, Steve Austin lets us know that Ted Dibiase was just a distraction to him and now he’s on his own and doesn’t need any manager.

Meanwhile, Vince recaps the King of the Ring tournament bracket thus far, which is Warrior going to a bullshit double countout with Goldust and then Owen Hart screwing Ahmed Johnson to send Vader into the semi-finals with a bye. Goldust giving Ahmed mouth-to-mouth in the backstage area afterwards was a pretty great moment and set up Ahmed destroying him at the PPV.

King of the Ring round one: Justin Hawk Bradshaw v. Henry Godwinn

Yes, it’s Hawk v. HOG. Vince questions whether Goldust really was doing first aid or not. Well, according to Janel Grant, he’d be the expert on wonky fake doctors. HOG with a headlock to start and that goes on for a while as we take a break. Back with Bradshaw in control and he drops an elbow for two. Henry comes back with a suplex for a double down. Hawk with a clothesline for two. They fight to the top and HOG brings him down with a superplex and powerslams him, but misses a kneedrop and hurts his knee. So he tries a slam, but the knees gives out, and Bradshaw finishes him with the lariat at 7:14 to advance to the next round.

SLAM JAM! WITH HANDSOME DOK HENDRIX!

We take yet another look at Goldust molesting Ahmed Johnson, and then we hear from Shawn Michaels and British Bulldog, as they’ve shifted the focus completely to the double-pin finish and away from the ridiculous “Diana Smith is a HOOOOOOOOR” storyline.

NEXT WEEK: Marty Jannetty v. Savio Vega in a King of the Ring first round match!

Hey at least the next few weeks have some solid direction for a while.