The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 05.25.96

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 05.25.96

Taped from Des Moines, IA on 04.30.96

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Mr. Perfect & Jim Ross

LAST WEEK ON RAW: Diana Smith has a restraining order against Shawn Michaels! This one’s really heating up.

Also say goodbye to Diesel and Razor Ramon from the Superstars opening song. It’s…a little clunky now.

Fatu v. Steve Austin

Fatu gives a quick interview with JR on the way to the ring, explaining that the mysterious Samoan Gangsta Party are family members “from the wrong side of the tracks”. Man they’ve dedicated a pretty surprising amount of screen time for something that literally had no payoff. Also do they have trains in American Samoa? They get into a shoving match as I’m shocked that Vince doesn’t declare Fatu “likes to mix it up rough house style”. That’s usually one of his go-to lines. Fatu grabs a headlock and shakes his ass to celebrate. Yeah that’ll really get him over. Austin with the test of strength while Mr. Perfect references that new Mission Impossible movie all the kids are talking about. Crazy that we’re nearly 30 years into that franchise now and it’s still pretty awesome. Fatu breaks the knucklelock and comes back with a powerslam while Vince finally asks the question I was asking a couple of weeks ago: HAS TED DIBIASE EVEN CHECKED SAVIO VEGA’S DRIVING CREDENTIALS? Thank you! Apparently he has, so loophole closed. The mysterious Samoans join us at ringside, distracting Fatu and allowing Austin to attack him and take over. Vince recommends that if you’re travelling for Memorial Day, make sure to call ahead and verify that Grandma has PPV before going to her house. Good advice. Back in the ring, Fatu misses a blind charge and hits the post, allowing Austin to go up with the middle rope elbow for two as we take a break. It’s a fake ad break and the match just continues where it left off. Fatu escapes a chinlock and comes back with a BAAAAAAAAAACK BODY DROP before slugging away in the corner, but Austin hurls him over the top in impressive fashion. Fatu seemingly blows out his knee on the way down, and Austin goes home in a hurry and quickly finishes him with the Million Dollar Dream at 7:30. This was actually a really good match for TV. ***. Hopefully Fatu won’t hold a grudge against Austin for the loss.

OK, so a quick check reveals that this was actually Fatu’s very last appearance with this gimmick, as he really did blow out his knee on the bump and got taken off the road before returning in September as The Sultan. So say goodbye to Makin’ a Difference and the Samoan Gangsta Party here. I guess they could have repackaged them with Yokozuna or something if they really wanted.

SLAM JAM! WITH HANDSOME DOK HENDRIX!

Dok brings up the Godwinns winning the tag team titles at the MSG show where NOTHING ELSE HAPPENED, which again makes it weird that they never recorded the show or released it anywhere. Dok clarifies that the restraining order against Shawn Michaels only lasts until bell time at the PPV, so it’s one of those magic pro wrestling TROs.

Meanwhile, some guy tries to rip off a blind newspaper vendor, which turns out to be a religious message of hope from the Ultimate Warrior. Not even making this up.

Wildman Marc Mero v. The Brooklyn Brawler

They slug it out to start and Mero sends him into the corner with a kneelift, while we cut to Hunter watching from the back, only mildly impressed. I’ve heard he’s got a good eye for talent. Mero tosses the Brawler, hits him with a plancha, and then finishes with a figure-four at 1:21 for some reason. And then Mr. Bob Backlund runs in, and PROCURES THE CHICKENWING on Mero, which turns out to be a plan from Hunter, who comes out to take advantage of the injured Mero with a Pedigree. Of note is Mr. Perfect making sly comments to set up another storyline down the road.

Meanwhile, Ultimate Warrior signs copies of WARRIOR #1, which teaches us all about Destrucity, and is currently lining bird cages the world over. There are actually people on eBay asking FIVE DOLLARS for that thing right now. Good luck with that.

Meanwhile, the New Rockers discuss Marty’s history with Shawn Michaels while hanging out on the official Rockers Party Bus, as Marty throws Shawn under the metaphorical party bus and accuses him of always going after the married women.

The British Bulldog v. Jason Arhndt

The match is mostly a backdrop to a Shawn Michaels interview with JR backstage, as Shawn talks about how the controversy is distracting him, which might result in Bulldog getting the title. Bulldog wins with the powerslam at 2:00.

Meanwhile, at MSG, Sunny makes a backdoor deal with Phineas in the dressing room, which leads to the Godwinns winning the tag team titles for the first time. So they’ll face the Smoking Gunns on the pre-show of Beware of Dog now.

The Bushwhackers v. Tony Roy & Brian Walsh

The geeks try attacking the Buckwhackers, but they get tossed and Roy is run into the kangaroo mascot. Back in, the battering ram finishes him at 1:27. We still don’t have the promised name for this mascot, I guess to make it easier when they euthanize it later. I bet they’re gonna do one of those warehouse shows on A&E and find the body in a truck somewhere in Stamford one of these days.

The Man They Call Vader v. The Race Car Driver They Call Bob Holly

Vader hits him with a couple of gut punches and chokeslams him, then chokes him out and beats on him in the corner. Bob fights back as we take a break, and we return with him trying clotheslines while Vader shrugs him off. Bodypress is caught by Vader and turned into a powerslam, and he finishes with the pump splash at 3:30. Sticking a commercial break into a squash was certainly a choice.

And we wrap it up with Vince doing the hard sell for In Your House: Beware of Doge, a terrifying warning about the dangers of cryptocurrency!

Tomorrow: We redo Beware of Dog! I’m assuming the Network version is the same as the Coliseum Video version with the stitched-together matches, although it would be cool if they’d release the “dark” matches sometime.

Anyway, these 96 shows remain a surprisingly entertaining part of my week, especially watching the rise of Steve Austin in real time. No wonder we were all into the guy back then, he’s pretty great.