The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 05.18.96

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 05.18.96

Taped from Des Moines, IA

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Mr. Perfect & Jim Ross

WWF tag team title: The Bodydonnas v. The New Rockers

Indeed, after winning a #1 contender match a couple of weeks ago, the Rockers already get their title shot tonight. I actually would have been down with using the Rockers as a transition to the Smoking Gunns, also because Sunny as a rocker chick would have been pretty awesome. Skip trades slaps with Marty to start, but puts him down with a clothesline to counter Marty’s moves. Over to Leif Cassidy and he doesn’t fare much better, and this brings out the hog farmers and fake cowboys to watch the match. So JR goes over and interviews them both while the match gets ignored but there’s not really anything happening anyway. Marty gets tripped up by Sunny from the outside, not the first time he’s gotten tripped up by the attentions of a 20-something blond girl I’m sure, and we take a break and return with Cassidy working on Skip. Leif puts him down with kicks while Vince puts over the match that Shawn Michaels had with Hunter Hearst Helmsley on RAW. Maybe they’ll have a rematch someday? Cassidy reverses a powerbomb attempt into a rana, and then they do it again and they both bump to the floor this time. Back in, Leif rolls up Skip for two, but Skip reverses for two, and then the Bodydonnas switch off behind the ref’s back and Zip gets the pin at 9:00 off a clothesline in a super lame finish. What is this, the Survivor Series? Rockers had no credibility anyway but that was a pretty clear sign they weren’t going anywhere. Match was OK. **

SLAM JAM! WITH HANDSOME DOK HENDRIX!

Steve Austin clarifies that he’s not in the strap match for the fun of it like Dibiase is, he’s in it to whip Savio like a dog until he understands what pain is.

Meanwhile, Ahmed Johnson gives is perspective on the Persian Gulf war, back when we were still treating Kuwait like America Jr, Middle Eastern home of freedom-loving foreigners overseas. But then we’re hearing a pensive interview from Shawn Michaels on the beach, reflecting on American freedom, at which point British Bulldog attacks him and tries to drown him right in the Persian Gulf! That’s at least a better angle than whatever the fuck that Diana stuff was supposed to be.

Ahmed Johnson v. David Haskins

Ahmed is of course the Kuwaiti Cup champion, emblematic of freedom all over the Middle East. Haskins tries slugging away on Ahmed, which doesn’t go well for him, and Ahmed slams him into the corner and then follows with a sidekick. Haskins tries slugging on Ahmed again, but Ahmed punches him down with one shot and then finishes with the spinebuster and Pearl River Plunge at 3:24.

WARRIOR MAN HERE! If you have the deep felt desire to make personal sacrifices, plus a shitload of money to burn, you too can turn your fantasy into a reality! I wonder if the Outrunners gradulated from there? I hear they had a scholarship because they were top of their vascularity class in high school.

Meanwhile on RAW, we continue with the dull, dull, deathly dull feud between Goldust and Undertaker, leading to their dull casket match. Goldust makes an off-color joke about “rigor mortis” and that pisses Undertaker off, but Mankind hits the ring and lays out Taker with the mandible claw, allowing Goldust to fondle him (with some stuff edited out) and then run away when Taker revives.

Mr. Bob Backlund v. Roy Raymond

It’s been a minute since Bob was on TV at this point. Harvey Wippleman takes notes at ringside, in the midst of taking notes on EVERY OFFICIAL IN THE WWF. I’d keep an eye on that Earl Hebner guy myself. Bob does the duck-walk and then PROCURES THE CHICKEN-WING to finish at 2:34. Bob was running for President at this point but Vince thinks he’s too crazy for the job. Can you imagine someone that nuts even running? I sure can’t.

SLAM JAM! WITH HANDSOME DOK HENDRIX!

Dok quotes some Rodney Dangerfield, but then gets all serious because there’s a time for hilarious jokes about “take my wife, please” and there’s a time for a serious discussion about Shawn Michaels and his alleged inappropriate actions towards another man’s wife.

Justin Hawk Bradshaw v. Savio Vega

Bradshaw attacks, but Savio slugs back. Bradshaw hiptosses him, but misses an elbow and Savio goes to work on the arm. But then Bradshaw goes after the arm and we take a break. Back with Savio making a comeback with a bodypress for ONE TWO HE GOT HIM NO HE DIDN’T. Zebekiah chokes Savio out at ringside and Bradshaw gets a neckbreaker for two and drops a leg for two. Bradshaw goes back to work on the arm and chokes him out, the most boring cowboy in wrestling history, and drops an elbow for two. This guy is so dull that he actually got more heat playing a stockbroker. Savio finally fights back with a kick out of the corner and we take ANOTHER break. Good god. Savio fights back with chops and goes after Zeb, so Bradshaw grabs the bullrope and Savio grabs his strap and they exchange shots for the double DQ at 13:00 as the show just abruptly goes off the air.

NEXT WEEK: Steve Austin v. Fatu on the go-home show for Before of Dog! And yes I will redo that one.

Oh also there’s a show at MSG in a couple of days after this show aired and I’ll let you know if anything notable happens there. I doubt it. What’s possibly gonna happen to change the business on some house show with guys doing jobs on the way out of the promotion?