The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 05.11.96

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 05.11.96

Taped from Des Moines, IA, on 04.30.96 with a crowd of 7000.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Mr. Perfect & Jim Ross

VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED. What, are they gonna show Vince having a meeting with his secretary?

The Smoking Gunns v. TEKNO TEAM 2000

YES IT’S A REAL THING THAT HAPPENED. Not a fever dream or an imaginary story. Tekno Team looks like the least Tekno team ever, dressing like a couple of roadies at a Pearl Jam show. The Gunns double-team Troy, aka Erik Watts, and Travis comes in with a bodypress on Bart for two. TT2K works on Bart’s arm in their corner and they get a double-team splash in the corner, which gets two for Travis. Bart comes back with a stungun on Travis and it’s over to Billy and his sexy new haircut, as he drops an elbow for two. Kind of odd that the Gunns were about to go on their most dominant run as tag team champions, but wouldn’t make it out of 1996 as a team. Billy misses a blind charge and bumps out of the corner, and Travis makes what I guess is a hot tag to Troy as I’m very confused about who the babyfaces are supposed to be and what the fuck Tekno Team 2000’s gimmick is even supposed to be. It’s BREAKING LOOSE IN TULSA, which Troy would know all about, and the Gunns hit him with a double-team neckbreaker to finish at 4:31. And the Bodydonnas, fresh off doing terrible commentary with Vince, yell at them from the desk to set up a tag team title program that never happened. Match was OK. **

SLAM JAM! WITH DOK HENDRIX!

Dok is rocking the Canadian tuxedo this week and would fit in perfectly here in the Prairies. Never underestimate the power of a good jean jacket. Savio Vega’s father was a chauffeur back in the day and he’s proud of that heritage, but he’d also rather be DEAD than serve Dibiase. Getting some mixed signals there from him.

Steve Austin v. Matt Hardy

The hits keep on coming this week. I can tell who the jobber is because he has MATT on one side of his trunks and HARDY on the other. And people say I don’t pay attention to details. Austin takes his kid down and hits him with a snap suplex before dropping a knee on him, and then pulls him around the ring in a Boston crab. This is a funny deal because every time the ref goes down to ask Matt, Austin pulls him to a different position so he can’t submit, before finally letting him get to the ropes to break the hold. Austin with a lariat, but Matt tries a sunset flip, so Austin punches him in the face to block it. Matt fights back again, so Austin beats him with chops and hits him with a superplex. And then Austin finishes him off with the Million Dollar Dream at 4:10. This was quite the squash.

Meanwhile, we take a look at the allegations against Shawn Michaels, which Vince stresses are only allegations and not necessarily true. Well he’s the expert on that. So we hear from “an ex-wife of a WWF superstar”, who gives an interview in shadow and claims that Shawn Michaels is a HOMEWRECKER who had an affair with her and then threw her to the curb. I think, and this is just guessing on my part, that the shadowy figure was meant to represent Elizabeth. That would make sense for the timeframe and have the bonus of making Randy Savage out to be a cuckold, so I can see how Vince would do it as a rib on him.

Bob Holly & Duke Droese v. Owen Hart & British Bulldog

It’s the historic TV debut of the DUMPSTER DRIVERS as a team, and we’re immediately brawling as the babyfaces clear the ring while Diana Hart has to act like she’s concerned. She looks more like she’s constipated. Back in the ring, Duke works Owen over in the corner and slugs him down RIGHT IN THE CHOPS before hitting him with a press slam for two. I think Duke had decent babyface fire and if they had repackaged him into something less stupid as a gimmick he might have had more legs in the promotion. Bulldog gets a shot from the apron and comes in to put the boots to Droese while Holly protests like a moron. Owen with a neckbreaker for two. Standing dropkick gets two. They work on the leg while Vince stands up for the reputation of Shawn Michaels, calling him a “quality human being” outside of the ring. Well if VINCE says so. Bulldog with a half crab and Owen comes in with a middle rope elbow for two. Duke fights back with a suplex on Owen, but Bulldog cuts off the comeback and goes for the powerslam. Duke reverses that to a rollup for two, however, so Bulldog slams him. And then does the dreaded Flying Nothing onto the upraised foot and he get the hot tag to Sparky. Bob slugs away and hits Owen with a dropkick for two as we take a (fake) break. Back with Bob getting a rana for two and follows with a NOGGIN KNOCKER, but Owen hits the leg lariat and Bulldog puts him away with the powerslam at 9:38.

WARRIOR MAN HERE! Apparently we all have the same potential to achieve our dreams that Warrior himself does, as long as you send all your money to WARRIOR UNIVERSITY, starting with $10 for an application. What a grifter.

Jake Roberts v. Derrick Stone

Jake with his slow motion kneelift and he goes to an armbar on the mat and then drags the jobber over to the corner and threatens to unleash his snake while the guy screams in terror. Jake with the short arm and suddenly the crowd goes crazy for him, so he finishes with the DDT at 1:50. Man he got a really good crowd that was READY to see him tonight. Unfortunately they got 1996 Jake moving at one quarter speed.

Meanwhile, on RAW, we learn that Goldust will be facing Undertaker in a CASKET MATCH, which is supposed to be scary for him but given Taker’s crappy record in them he should probably feel fine about it.

Fatu v. Mankind

Fatu is again stalked by his samoan family members, which allows Mankind to attack in the aisle and immediately put him out with the Mandible Claw while Vince namedrops Dr. Sam Shepherd for all the kids watching out there. Fatu is left completely unconscious in the aisle while the referees pull Mankind off, and poor Fatu was so shook up that he was only able to make 3 children with his wife that night.

SLAM JAM! WITH DOK HENDRIX!

We hear from Marc Mero, who does a somewhat terrible promo about being a WILDMAN, and then Hunter Hearst Helmsley promises that he’ll be the judge and jury and executioner at the PPV. Like this guy will ever be in charge of anything.

NEXT WEEK: The Bodydonnas v. The New Rockers! Savio Vega v. Justin Hawk Bradshaw!

And Jim Ross interviews Mankind in the locker room after the attack on Fatu, and Mankind yells at Jim for not letting him pursue his own happiness by putting guys out with the claw. Also he loves Undertaker like a child loves a pet. Heel, boy, roll over!

Still don’t know what the graphic content was supposed to be. Matt Hardy’s haircut?