The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 05.11.91

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 05.11.91

Originally written 07.05.26

Taped from Omaha, NE on 04.16.91

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Randy Savage. In celebration of Mother’s Day, Randy announces that the first words his mother said to him were OH YEAH THE MACHO BABY, YEAH!

Meanwhile, Roddy Piper sings a poem to Ted Dibiase in advance of a warmup match with Rick Martel tonight, spelling out “MOTHER” and sending it out to his mama. Savage: “I’m dedicating that match to my mama, because Martel is gonna beat ya, YEAH!”

The Bushwhackers v. Brian Costello & Doug Wallen

Astonishingly, the Big Bossman’s Cal Ripkin-like streak of opening up Superstars is shattered here. Do kids these days know Cal Ripkin? I’m gonna assume they do. Costello gets beaten down in the corner while Finkel does an overlay hyping up the June 3 MSG card with the Desert Storm match and Jake v. Quake, which apparently I reviewed during the pandemic era. We get an inset from Power & Glory, reduced to feuding with these guys, and the gutbuster finishes Wallen at 1:30.

UPDATE! WITH MEAN GENE OKERLUND!

This week, we follow Slick as he tries to convince Andre to sign with him, but accidentally gets locked in the trunk of a car and sent to New Jersey. Not sure which fate is worse.

Sgt. Slaughter v. Kevin Kruger

Sarge hits Kruger with knees and a gutbuster and hits him with short clotheslines while Finkel tells us about Roddy Piper facing Ted Dibiase in the Nassau Coliseum, with “Virgilina” in his corner. Sounds fun. Camel clutch finishes at 1:30.

Meanwhile, Vince once again tells us about Wrestlemania’s History and Heroes on Hot Ticket. Is it worth a review I wonder?

Meanwhile, IRS has moved onto investigating tax returns of WWF superstars, like some clown who claimed bird seed as a business expense and some other guy who tried to claim travel expenses for his dog. It’s true, wrestlers are a bunch of lying carnies.

Big Bossman v. Dan Johnson

Vince wants to wish a Happy Mother’s Day to Bossman’s mother, who sadly was never seen on WWF TV and I suspect might not have actually existed. Maybe she lives with Mama Cornette. Bossman slam finishes at 0:44. And then OUTTA NOWHERE it’s the Nasty Boys hitting the ring and absolutely clobbering on him from behind before handcuffing him to the ropes and beating the brakes off him. With the suspect subdued, Mountie comes out to interrogate him and gives him a few shocks to make sure he’s respectful of the law. Just proves ACAB. Bossman I mean, not the Mountie. He enforces the law.

The Dragon v. Ricky Rice

Vince reminds us that Randy faced this Dragon guy at Wrestlemania 3, which you can see on WRESTLEMANIA’S HEROES AND HISTORY this month on Hot Ticket PPV. Goddammit. He’s actually doing a really convincing job of making me want to download this thing from Fish & Chips legally watch it. Rice goes up and gets slammed off, but he comes back with a sunset flip for two and Ricky reverses out of it and slams him. Dragon with a dropkick, and he slams Rice and goes up with the flying chop and then finishes with the bodypress at 2:00. Rice was a good hand from the AWA and Dragon gave him some shine here, although it didn’t lead anywhere for Rice.

Meanwhile, we meet WBF Superstar Jim Quinn and his large muscles. They certainly are large.

The Funeral Parlor with special guest Mr. Perfect. Bobby Heenan needs a small casket, so Paul offers up a tiny little bulldog-sized casket, which will be where the dog is going after Perfect is through with him. I don’t think I’m OK with that.

Rick Martel v. Rowdy Roddy Piper

Remember when these two had a match in the Intercontinental title tournament in 1990 but the finals were taped before they even started the first round? Good times. Piper, setting a trend that Orange Cassidy would continue, wears a t-shirt with his own face on it here. Piper slugs away and hits him with a hiptoss before clotheslining him to the floor and brawling out there. Martel kicks him in the bad knee, but Piper runs him into the post. Back in the ring, Martel kicks the leg out from under his leg and goes to work on it, tearing off the bandage. Piper tries a suplex and the knee goes out, putting Martel on top for two. Martel chokes him out and goes to the top, but Piper nails him on the way down and drops Martel on the top rope crotch-first. Savage: “I don’t know what that hold is, I never used that one.” Piper uses his bandage to choke out Martel and slugs away on him, and then throws him over the top and hangs him with it, which is pretty savage. Back to the floor for another brawl and Piper tosses a drink in his face and then chases him back in the ring for another beating before finishing with a small package at 5:35. Piper was way above the Model on the totem pole but he gave him tons of offense here and it was a really good little TV match. ***

The Undertaker v. George Anderson

Taker quickly chokeslams Anderson as Vince notes that Big Bossman is “raising Kane” back in the dressing room. 1991 DEBUT OF KANE CONFIRMED. Tombstone finishes at 0:45.

Yes I know it’s spelled differently.

Next week: Bulldog! Power & Glory! Jake Roberts! IRS debuts! ULTIMATE WARRIOR v. SMASH!