The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 05.05.96

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 05.05.96

So we are coming off Good Friends Better Enemies, with the farewells for Diesel and Razor Ramon, entering into a really bad run for the company before they turned it around for good.

Taped from Des Moines, IA on 04.30.96, drawing 7000.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Mr. Perfect & Jim Ross

The New Rockers v. The Godwinns

The Rockers have their own stuffed pigs as inspiration. Henry beats on Leif to start and hits him with a press faceplant before the Godwinns double on him in the corner. PIG slugs him down while the Bodydonnas watch from the back and reveal that the tag team division is so thin that the winner of THIS match gets another title shot at the next PPV. But then Phineas gets stuck in the Rocker corner as we take a break. Back with Leif holding a chinlock while the Bodydonnas join us at ringside. Leif throws some distinctly UFC-style kicks in a very un-Rocker-like manner, but Phineas fights them off and makes the hot tag to Henry. Zip takes the ref and Skip trips up Henry, but then Marty misses a flying splash. But Phineas is all distracted by Sunny and Leif gets a sunset flip for the pin at 8:20. Vince then clarifies that the title shot happens on Superstars at some point in the “next few weeks”. Match wasn’t the worst but there was way too much going on by the end. **

SLAM JAM! WITH DOK HENDRIX!

We hear from Goldust, who is defending the IC title against Undertaker at Beware of Dog, which probably should have been called Beware of Storms.

Mankind v. Scott Taylor

Mankind chokes him out in the corner and tosses him, but Taylor flips back in and tries a comeback before getting hung in the Tree of Woe. Mankind drops an elbow on him and follows with the running knee, and that sets up the Mandible Claw to finish at 1:51. Also Bob Holly pops up to wish Fatu good luck next week against Mankind in the most 90s possible inset.

Meanwhile, Ted Dibiase fires his chauffeur for accidentally putting the limo in reverse, and then comes up with the idea to make Savio Vega his new chauffeur if he loses the strap match to Steve Austin at the PPV.

Meanwhile, on RAW, Shawn Michaels is doing an interview about beating Diesel at the PPV, but British Bulldog interrupts and Jim Cornette does the whole ridiculous promo about how Shawn Michaels tried to rape Diana Smith, which was stupid on so many levels and didn’t sell a single buy for the show.

The Bushwhackers v. The Bodydonnas

Come on, they’ve gotta give me something and have the stupid kangaroo mascot turn out to be a heel that turns on them. It falls squarely under the gorilla suit rule. Joined with Butch turning his back on Skip and getting jumped from behind. Butch comes back with a bulldog for two and Luke gets a shot from the apron and Butch gets two off that. Luke comes in and Skip works him over in the corner while we begin a new earth-shattering storyline with Harvey Wippleman scouting the refereeing job done by the official. Luke gets double-teamed in the corner but now the Godwinns come out and watch the match, apparently sore losers from earlier in the show. Butch gets a hot tag and it’s more bullshit at ringside with the Godwinns as PIG hits Skip with the bucket and the Bushwhackers get the win at 4:15. *

Meanwhile, Ultimate Warrior tells everyone to attend WARRIOR UNIVERSITY. Apparently you can become a WWF superstar if you graduate! So many jokes to be made here but this was a real thing.

Owen Hart v. Duke the Dumpster Droese

Duke gets a slam and chases Owen to the floor, and then STEALS THE SLAMMY AND THROWS IT IN THE TRASH. Owen rightly kicks his ass over that sickening disrespect of Owen’s hard-won award and drops a leg on him before choking him out. Cornette thankfully is able to rescue his awards statuette and polish it back to respectability while Duke makes a comeback with a powerslam. Owen pulls off a turnbuckle, however, and Duke misses a blind charge, allowing Owen to finish him off with the Sharpshooter at 3:40. Good! Teach that garbage man a lesson about respecting other people’s accomplishments and hard work! Bob Holly comes out to save Duke from getting beat up by Owen any more, but British Bulldog takes him out and they brawl to presumably set up a tag team match soon.

SLAM JAM! WITH DOK HENDRIX!

Savio Vega is very happy to get the Caribbean Strap match with Steve Austin and there’s no way he’s wearing any stupid chauffeur hat! Wait, what if he doesn’t have a driver’s license in the US? Hopefully Dibiase made sure to check on that before making the challenge.

Meanwhile, we learn of the sacred bond between garbagemen and racecar drivers, as Duke Droese and Bob Holly unite as the DUMPSTER DRIVERS to face Owen & Bulldog next week. OK I made up that name.

Next week: Owen Hart & Bulldog v. The DUMPSTER DRIVERS! Fatu v. Mankind!

Man is this show kinda…good? What fresh hell is this?