The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 04.20.96

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 04.20.96

Time to put these back into the rotation. Really I’m just punishing you, the fanbase, by not carrying on with them and thus robbing you of my brilliance. You’re welcome.

Taped from San Diego, CA, on 04.02.96

Your hosts are Jim Ross & Mr. Perfect & Vince McMahon

Wait, what do they mean by the “former” Intercontinental champion Goldust?

Ahmed Johnson v. Gary Lee

Ahmed wallops Lee and tosses him into the corner before putting him down with a clothesline. Then in a unique move, he sits Lee on the top turnbuckle and hits him with a running dropkick to send him flying to the floor. OK, that was damn cool. Wonder why he didn’t keep doing that one? Spinebuster follows and the Pearl River Plunge finishes at 1:42.

SLAM JAM! WITH HANDSOME DOK HENDRIX!

Dok clarifies the Goldust thing and apparently this was during the period when the title was held up after the Savio Vega match on RAW. Yeah that doesn’t count in my books. Warrior does a nonsensical promo as well in advance of his own match with Goldust.

The Bodydonnas v. Stefan DeLeon & Wayne Bradley

Zip takes “Ponce” DeLeon down, as JR calls him, and Skip comes in and puts the boots to him before going to the middle rope with an elbow. Meanwhile the Godwinns do an inset promo with the bucket that Sunny is probably using as a toilet in her cell as we speak. Over to the other jobber and the Donnas drop elbows on him before Zip hits a Doctor Bomb and then Skip hits him with a top rope rana and Zip finishes with the Bombs Away at 2:43. Amazingly just because you dress two guys in identical gear and haircuts, it doesn’t mean they have chemistry as a team.

Meanwhile, somewhere “down under”, The Bushwhackers are on a walkabout and run into an alligator. Apparently this is TO BE CONTINUED. Like the people in charge of these know that they’re not from Australia, right? This casual racism towards New Zealanders is kind of sickening.

Meanwhile, we take a look back at the relationship between Shawn Michaels & Diesel. I love the narrator describing Diesel as a SOUR, CONNIVING BITTER THUG just because he doesn’t kiss babies and smile anymore.

British Bulldog v. Bob Holly

Bulldog with a hiptoss and Holly pops up with a clothesline and takes him down with an armbar. Bulldog presses him and “accidentally” drops him on the top rope and then sneers about it. For someone who was a lifelong babyface before this, Bulldog was a natural heel and really good at it. Bulldog with a delayed suplex for two and he goes to the chinlock. Bob with a bodypress for two and a sunset flip for two, but Bulldog nails him with a clothesline and goes back to the chinlock. Bob fights up, so Bulldog goes to a sleeper this time and Bob escapes that with a back suplex for a double down. Holly comes back with clotheslines and a back elbow for two, and we take a break. As usual for these, they just stop the tape at the break and return where they left off. Back with Bob hitting a powerslam for two and he goes up, but Bulldog cuts him off with a superplex attempt that Bob counters for two. Rana gets two. But then Cornette provides distraction and the Bulldog powerslam finishes at 6:00. Pretty good TV match! **3/4.

Meanwhile, Bret Hart storms out of Wrestlemania without the title. I bet that’s the maddest he’ll ever be in a match with Shawn Michaels. So we go to Germany, where Bret does a bitter promo about how he got screwed out of the WWF title because Shawn was in the Sharpshooter and there was no chance of him escaping. Also he could never see himself working for another organization, because he’s not greedy for money, he’s greedy for respect. Well I guess it depends how much money we’re talking.

1-2-3 Kid v. Greg Davis

The Kid takes him down and rides him to start, and then kicks him down when Davis catches his boot. Kid puts the boots to him in the corner and then hits a spinkick and follows with the leg lariat to finish at 2:24.

Meanwhile, Luke & Butch survive the alligator attack, and we get the big payoff of them finding their own restaurant, Bushwhackers Down Under in Florida. Look, we’ve all seen their personal hygiene, I don’t think I’d want to risk eating there.

Meanwhile, Savio Vega is the new Intercontinental champion! Or is he? Spoiler: He’s not.

Meanwhile, Goldust does a promo from a theater.

Savio Vega v. EL DIABLO

The mysterious masked jobber takes Savio down with armdrags to start, but Savio beats on him with chops in the corner while the announcers speculate that it’s Steve Austin under the mask trying to get revenge. That would be kind of clever but Vega just destroys him and hits a pair of leg lariats for the pin at 1:56.

SLAM JAM! WITH HANDSOME DOK HENDRIX!

We get a face to face with Shawn and Diesel, probably while Big Kev was busy negotiating with WCW on the other line. In fact he openly talks about how he only cares about the money here, and then predicts that Shawn will become the same corporate puppet that he did, and he’ll hate himself in the same way he did. Nash-tradamus! Good promo from these two, of course.

NEXT WEEK: Shawn Michaels v. The 1-2-3 Kid! Fatu v. Owen Hart!