The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 04.13.96

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 04.13.96

Taped from San Diego, CA on 04.02.96

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Mr. Perfect & Jim Ross

TONIGHT: Mankind debuts and threatens destruction for everyone in the promotion!

But first a wacky theme song about how Goldust is strange and Bulldog is English. I’m sensing some creative dissonance in the product at this point.

The Godwinns v. Mike Starr & Larry Sampson

OH MAN! I totally went to an Al Tomko UWA show at my junior high school gym featuring “Sweet Daddy” Sampson defending his World title against Michelle Starr, or maybe the other way around, whatever, that’s not the point, and now they’re just teaming up like it never happened just 7 years later. So sad. My entire grade 9 is just ruined. HOG quickly finishes Sampson with the slop drop at 2:00.

SLAM JAM! WITH DOK HENDRIX!

We got all kinds of matches announced for the next PPV, like Goldust defending the IC title against Ultimate Warrior, and British Bulldog taking on Jake the Snake. In fact, Jim Cornette is going to present Bulldog with a brand new ho in order to assist him. Anyway this was pretty much the definition of a one match show.

Meanwhile, on RAW, Vader takes out Yokozuna’s leg and they do a humiliating stretcher job using a forklift to write Yoko off TV for a while.

MANKIND v. Jason Castro

Mankind quickly beats Castro down in the corner, but charges and runs into a boot. So he grabs the leg and takes Castro down, tearing at his face on the ropes and hitting a knee in the corner before dropping an elbow on the guy while he’s hanging in the Tree of Woe. And then he puts him on the ropes and applies the Mandible Claw to put him out at 3:00. Everything about this debut was incredible, from the backstory, to the mysterious symbol on his gear, to the mask, to the terrifying finisher that was basically violating the mouth of the opponent. Just an unbelievable character reinvention from Mick Foley. Jim Ross: “What’s with the weird exit music here?” HE WAS A PIANO PRODIGY UNTIL HE SMASHED HIS OWN FINGERS, you jerk. Didn’t you even listen to the vignettes?

Wildman Marc Mero v. Adam Groom

Mero quickly backdrops Groom and goes up with a double axehandle, then tosses him and hits him with a plancha and then finishes with a slingshot legdrop at 1:57. This didn’t really get Mero over as something distinct from Johnny B Badd yet but he’d get better later.

Justin Hawk Bradshaw v. Davey Starr

Bradshaw slams him and hits him with a senton before slugging him over the top rope and putting the boots to him. Back in, Bradshaw with a big boot and the CLOTHESLINE FROM HELL finishes at 2:19.

Meanwhile, on RAW, Ultimate Warrior does his first promo since returning and it’s another doozy. Apparently he’s hearing voices of everyone in the arena in his head. That sounds concerning. These “voices” are telling him that they want to live in the power of the Warrior as Vince talks about the New Generation superstars and this is such a car wreck of nonsense buzzwords, until Goldust interrupts. And it goes downhill from there.

Stone Cold Steve Austin v. Savio Vega’s Close Personal Friend, The Caribbean Kid

Austin has rejected a rematch with Savio Vega after Wrestlemania, but accepts the challenge of unrelated masked man the Caribbean Kid, who is of course the former tag team partner and close personal friend of Savio. The Kid, who is of course not Savio, takes Austin down and works an armbar, until Austin bails to escape. Back in, the Kid out-wrestles Austin again and chases him to the floor again. Back in, Austin takes him down and works the leg as we take a break. Back with Austin tossing the Kid and then back in for an STF until Kid makes the ropes. Kid goes up and misses a bodypress, but then counters the sleeper into a small package for the pin at 7:07. And then he unmasks and reveals that he’s SAVIO VEGA. Holy shit, did not see that one coming.

SLAM JAM! WITH DOK HENDRIX!

We get words from Kevin Nash, who talks about Shawn going “where the big boys play”. OH MAN HE SAID THE THING.

NEXT WEEK: Bob Holly v. British Bulldog! Other stuff!

Well that was kind of a lazy payoff to the Caribbean Kid angle.