The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 04.06.96

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 04.06.96

Taped from San Diego, CA, on 04.02.96.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Mr. Perfect & Jim Ross

Hey so Wrestlemania 12 is a thing that happened, and Ultimate Warrior has now been added to the introductory song! Apparently he’s taking names, which was the only thing they could think of that rhymed with “Goldust is mighty strange”.

Ahmed Johnson v. Tim Patterson

Ahmed is still feeling the high of receiving a Slammy award for “New Sensation”, as presented by the cast of Pacific Blue. Well if that isn’t the most 1996 sentence I could have typed, I don’t know what is. Ahmed blitzes Patterson in the corner and tosses him before mumbling incoherently at the camera, which Vince helpfully translates as a threat to Davey Boy Smith. Back in the ring, Ahmed hits a spinebuster and finishes with the Pearl River Plunge at 1:54. You could definitely feel them getting some steam behind his singles push, which makes it weird that they booked him on the losing team at Wrestlemania.

SLAM JAM! WITH DOK HENDRIX!

Dok claims that Wrestlemania was “one of the most watched Wrestlemanias of all time”, which is true in the sense that there were 12 Wrestlemanias at that point and this show was certainly one of them. More accurately, it was actually one of the lowest buyrates in the history of the show. The redo did big numbers on the blog, though. So there’s that. Anyway, we hear from Diesel and Shawn Michaels, who are GOOD FRIENDS AND BETTER ENEMIES.

Hunter Hearst Helmsley v. Fatu

Talking about the Warrior, Vince notes that so many people were trying to chat with him on AOL that they “blew up the system”. “I know the feeling!” notes Perfect. “Yeah you’ve been blown up before, we know.” replies Vince. Hope Perfect has some balm for that SICK BURN. We get some gaga to start and Fatu has a visit from the team who was supposed to be the Samoan Gangsta Party but never ended up going anywhere, which allows Hunter to chase him out of the ring and take over. I don’t think those guys even made TV outside of these mysterious appearances. Back in the ring, Hunter USES THE KNEE for two, but Fatu backdrops out of the Pedigree and makes a comeback. Powerslam gets two. Running cutter is blocked and Hunter USES THE KNEE again before dodging a charge and it’s KICK WHAM PEDIGREE to finish at 5:10. Dull and heatless. ½*

Meanwhile on that Monday night show, Shawn Michaels makes his first appearance as WWF champion and he’s already a fun-loving babyface who is kissing babies and shaking hands.

Jerry Lawler v. Greg Davis

Lawler offers the jobber the microphone and then hits him with a sucker punch before hiptossing him out of the corner while doing his own commentary. So then we get a chinlock where Lawler tells a story about taking Flintstone vitamins, which allows him to start a car with his feet. So he goes to a headscissors while the crowd is just dead silent. “Would the owner of a 1973 Ford Pinto please remove it from the lot. It’s not blocking anybody but it’s a piece of crap”. Amazingly this virtuoso performance doesn’t draw a peep from the dead crowd. So Lawler yells at Shawn Michaels, and Davis makes a comeback with a dropkick and hiptoss while Lawler screams into the microphone in terror. And then Davis goes up, but misses a moonsault and Lawler finishes him with the piledriver at 4:40. This was absolutely awful and even the jokes weren’t funny.

Meanwhile, on RAW, Mankind makes his debut and introduces the world to the mandible claw before attacking the Undertaker and laying him out with a memorable Cactus elbow off the apron.

Duke Droese v. Raven Clark

WHO THE FUCK SIGNED RAVEN?!? Duke slaps the guy around and unsurprisingly the wrestling garbageman hasn’t woken up this comatose California crowd. Clark gets a bit of a comeback with a corner splash, but Duke backdrops him out of the corner and even Vince can’t get enthused about this boring squash. Trash Compactor finishes at 2:40.

THE MAN THEY CALL VADER v. Shawn Dakota

Vader beats the scrub down at the bell and hits him with a chokeslam, but misses a blind charge. Dakota gets a bit of offense but Vader swats him down again and hits him with a lariat. And the powerbomb finishes at 1:46. Not sure why he stopped doing that one and switched to the Vaderbomb finisher.

Meanwhile, the Bodydonnas beat the Godwinns to win the tag team title tournament with distraction from Sunny’s ass. Maybe she can try that in jail and get a few packages of ramen and a honey bun in exchange.

NEXT WEEK: Steve Austin faces the mysterious Caribbean Kid! Plus the debuts of Marc Mero and Mankind!

I feel like Vince is rapidly tiring of caring about this show again. We’ll see how long I can stick with it at this rate.