The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 04.06.91

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 04.06.91

Originally written 05.25.26

Taped from Pensacola, FL on 03.11.91

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Roddy Piper & Macho Man

This new opening with the Hogan footage and American flag overload is the WORST. Bring back Warrior and his laser eyes!

Big Bossman v. Keith Steinborn

Whoever had the observation about Bossman opening basically Superstars episode he was on, was dead right. Savage clarifies that Bossman has the Mountie on his mind. Or as Snoop Dogg would say, HIS MIND ON THE MOUNTIE AND THE MOUNTIE ON HIS MIND. I guess Snoop Dogg wasn’t a thing in 1991, though. I actually had one my first jobs doing summer work for CN Rail, cleaning a caulking spill out of a railcar when I was just out of high school. I remember distinctly (besides that I used the money I earned under the table to buy a Sega Genesis!) that a few other members of the crew were very into “Nothing But a G Thang” and would literally crank the song on repeat for HOURS while we were working, which was my introduction to Snoop Dogg as a 19 year old white kid in Edmonton. Also they would alternate that song with playing Stone Temple Pilots “Sex Type Thing” and that was FUCKING AWESOME because I thought it was a new Pearl Jam song I had missed, and I immediately went out and bought that CD through the Columbia Record Club because that was a thing we Gen Xers did in the 90s. AND WE NEVER PAID THEM BACK! I probably owe those fuckers another 3 or 4 CDs to this day. COME AND FIND ME, COLUMBIA IDIOTS! Oh yeah the match. Bossman slam finishes at 1:20.

UPDATE! WITH MEAN GENE OKERLUND!

Gene’s topic this week is Hulk Hogan’s successful quest to win the World title away from that scoundrel, Sgt. Slaughter. But alas, on the way back to the dressing room, KICK WHAM FIREBALL in the face and Hogan’s face is all burned now. No word yet on any permanent scarring or disfigurement, notes Gene, but we’re all hopeful to hear about some soon. And indeed, we hear from Slaughter and his friends, who declare that the war has just begun. It sure feels that way.

The Rockers v. Pez Whatley & Jeff Sword

What’s with Pez doing all these jobs in 1991 WWF? Pretty sure he could get work for indies and do better than this lot in life. We get an inset from the Orient Express, who don’t like rock n roll music, because they want chamber music instead. TORTURE CHAMBER MUSIC. Points deducted because the heels didn’t immediately laugh hysterically at their own joke. Marty takes Pez down and frustrates him, so Pez offers a handshake and then turns on Marty. Good thing Marty would never fall for something like that again! Marty brings Shawn in to fight his battles for him, and Shawn works on Pez’s arm until Pez tags out to Jeff Sword. Shawn hits Sword with a back elbow and follows with a suplex. Rockers with a double superkick, like they’re going to some kind of party where everyone throws superkicks, and they finish with the double fistdrop at 3:13.

Meanwhile, Irwin R. Schyster is doing some audits for fun and rants about people claiming medical expenses instead of just buying generic drugs. That one hits harder these days. Well I mean for Americans. Not for us Canadians, obviously.

Mr. Perfect v. Dale Wolfe

Kudos to the fans who brought a sign reading “Bobby the Brain is the FLAW in Mr. Perfect” printed by what looks like an Okidata printer. Wolfe actually hiptosses Perfect out of the corner and slams him, prompting Perfect to bail and get some advice from Bobby. Back in the ring, Wolfe gets another hiptoss, but Perfect takes out the leg. Maybe it’s all those hiptosses in this match that jacked up Perfect’s back so badly and put him out of action? Stranger things have happened. Perfect quickly beats him down and NOW YOU’RE GONNA SEE A PERFECTPLEX at 2:48. Kind of weird that Bobby Heenan and Mr. Perfect were such a perfect combination together but only were together for a year, not counting their co-manager stint with Flair.

Hacksaw Jim Duggan v. The Brooklyn Brawler

The crowd chants for USA, which is weird because Brawler is clearly from the USA. Brooklyn is in the USA! Last I checked at least. Brawler attacks Duggan and then runs away, but makes the fatal error of pointing to his head to indicate intelligence, and Duggan beats him up as a result. Meanwhile we get an inset from Col Mustafa, who is apparently Duggan’s next feud. Well as long as they’re not riding together on the road I’m sure they’ll be fine. Man remember when they got with a bit of pot in the car and it was a national scandal in 1987? Now I can literally walk to my corner cannabis store and buy basically as much I want. But I don’t because I’m a huge narc and I don’t really like getting high anyway. You know what I love? CAFFEINE. Fuck yeah. I’m jealous because American energy drinks have like 240MG of caffeine and meanwhile the Canadian government is like “blah blah blah heart issues and cancer in rats” and limits us to 180MG per can like we’re tiny little babies who are unable to control ourselves. LEAVE ME ALONE, MOM! Three point stance finishes at 1:34.

The Funeral Parlor with special guest the Undertaker. He strongly suggests that Ultimate Warrior should mind his own business or else rest in peace. But if he really wants, he’s welcome to appear on the Funeral Parlor next week. Oh some good stuff coming up, I see!

Jake Roberts v. John Allen

Jake hits him in the gut with a boot and puts him down with the kneelift, and then works on the arm while bringing him to the bag and terrorizing him with it. Bet that tactic is gonna backfire on him one of these days. Allen misses a blind charge and Jake goes back to the arm while Vince shills for the premiere event of the World Bodybuilding Federation. Maybe we’ll get there someday. I just don’t know how exactly to review that show. Ain’t enough caffeine in the world to make that watchable. DDT finishes at 3:00. Words of wisdom from Savage on the replay: “Short clothesline right there. Exact opposite of the long clothesline.”

Earthquake is supposed to be coming out for a squash match, but he’s deathly afraid of snakes and runs away in terror while Jake is leaving ringside with the snake! So Jake continues to taunt him and chases him away while laughing about his crippling ophiophobia. Kind of a dick move on his part. He certainly learns his lesson, though.

Meanwhile, on Prime Time Wrestling, Andre the Giant makes Bobby Heenan roll around in mud, and the only question I have is WHAT THE FUCK IS VINCE WEARING? Pajamas? Then on Wrestling Challenge, Bobby offers a truce to Andre and shakes his hand, but Andre gives him the ol’ General Zod handshake and squashes his hand, telling him to get lost and never call him again. Did I miss where they got back together after Andre famously beat the shit out of Bobby at WM6 and they needed another breakup angle?

Ted Dibiase v. Reno Riggins

Dibiase introduces his new manager, Sensational Sherri, which must have been quite the spoiler for fans in attendance who were still three weeks away from seeing her turn on Savage at Wrestlemania. Dibiase beats on Reno with chops in the corner and backdrops him while we get an inset from Virgil, who promises to spank Sherri. I think she’s out of his league, frankly. Dibiase with a suplex and powerslam to set up the Million Dollar Dream at 1:10.

NEXT WEEK: The Berzerker! Sgt. Slaughter! Texas Tornado! Also Warrior will appear on the Funeral Parlor!