The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 04.04.92

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 04.04.92

Two episodes left in this run, and then it’s time to go back to 1986 for Championship Wrestling.

It’s the night before Wrestlemania! The end is nigh for Hulkamania!

Taped from Mobile AL, on 03.09.92

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Mr. Perfect, who promises to reveal a centerfold of a naked Elizabeth on the big screen. That of course did not happen.

The British Bulldog v. Brad Avery

Bulldog with a delayed suplex, so delayed they should call it Hogan’s promised retirement, and he finishes with the running powerslam at 1:20. That’s like a marathon for these pre-WM episodes!

UPDATE! WITH MEAN GENE! BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE WRESTLEMANIA HOTLINE!

Vince sits down with Elizabeth, who is shocked that Ric Flair can just say whatever made up nonsense he wants and people will just believe him. But don’t worry, Randy Savage is rushing the true photographs to the magazine publisher as we speak, and soon they’ll be vindicated, plus the WWF Magazine will sell another month of issues, so everyone wins!

Tatanka v. Sandy Beach

Oh man, it’s future UWF superstar Sandy Beach! Tatanka hits him with a clothesline and follows with a suplex before going to work on the arm. Beach tries a blind charge and runs into a boot, and Tatanka finishes him off with the samoan drop at 1:55.

Meanwhile, we actually get the Hercules v. Sid Justice match from MSG! Damn, I watched that whole show for nothing. Sid of course powerbombs him immediately and Herc pops up immediately and leaves the promotion.

Rowdy Roddy Piper v. Shawn Michaels

Joined in progress from the March to WM show, so I guess I don’t need to watch it now. Shawn with the superkick, but Piper fires up and slugs away on Shawn while Bobby & Gorilla bury Mr. T on commentary, noting “Piper knocked him out at WM2 and flattened that bum”. Shawn crotches himself on the top rope and Piper hits him with a kneelift and bulldog out of the corner, but the ref is bumped and it’s a double down. So Sherri throws a boot for Shawn to use, and he nails Piper for a visual pinfall. But this brings out Bret Hart, always getting in Shawn’s business even in 1992, and he gives Piper the boot, at which point the ref conveniently revives and calls for the DQ at 2:33 shown. Piper blames Bret for that loss, which is pretty fair.

WRESTLEMANIA REPORT! WITH MEAN GENE!

Mean Gene ambushes Flair at the airport, asking him about Elizabeth’s denials earler in the show. Flair calls her a liar, saying she just wants to jump back on Space Mountain again, but THERE’S NO WAY BABY. And Perfect again promises the giant centerfold at Wrestlemania. Also now Gene is waffling again with “We COULD be seeing Hulk Hogan’s last match” as they can’t even commit to their made-up stipulation.

Jake Roberts v. Scott Allen

Jake works the arm, but Allen takes him down with armdrags, so Jake gives him a back elbow and kneelift in the corner to take over. Short arm clothesline and DDT follow, but then he picks the kid up, gives him another short arm clothesline, and pins him at 2:10. Of note: Jake thankfully switches back to his evil colorful tights for this one.

Meanwhile, on that hot new show WBF Bodystars, former pro wrestler and current pro bodybuilder LEX LUGER will debut and probably flex his muscles. BUT NOT WRESTLE. WE CANNOT STRESS THAT ENOUGH, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

Meanwhile, Vince McMahon presents a special tribute to Hulk Hogan, as we go back to Wrestlemania 3 with Gorilla & Bobby overdubbed on commentary so they can cut out Jesse Ventura. And then it’s back to WM6 with another Ventura purge as Bobby & Gorilla redo the commentary for the Hogan-Warrior highlights. You might have been thinking at the time “Why would they show Hogan doing a job to the Ultimate Warrior on the night before Wrestlemania?” But of course there was a method to that madness. And then Hulk sits down with Vince to discuss Hulkamania and what it means to him. You need 100% dedication to Hulkamania or nothing! Also he still doesn’t know if he’s retiring, he’s just gonna wait until he comes out for the match. More like wait until he sees the gate receipts for the show and hears about the legal troubles coming.

NEXT WEEK: We don’t even know but GODDAMIT BUY WRESTLEMANIA ALREADY YOU HEARTLESS MONSTERS!