The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 03.30.96
By Scott Keith on 6 January 2024
The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 03.30.96
It’s Wrestlemania weekend! And the 500th episode! So you’ve gotta think they’ve got something special planned!
Taped from Corpus Christi, TX
Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Jim Ross & Mr. Perfect
Savio Vega v. Tatanka
Tatanka beats on Savio with forearms, but Savio fires back with chops and gets a monkey flip out of the corner. This is kind of a weird overlapping of eras. Tatanka feels like someone from 5 years earlier. Tatanka runs him into the corner and chokes him out to take over, and drops an elbow for two. To the chinlock, but Savio rolls him up for two. Savio with a sideslam for two. Leg lariat gets the pin at 2:45. Remember when Ludvig Borga ended Tatanka’s streak and it was this huge moment that crushed the fans? And now he’s just out there jobbing in two minutes to a transition move. ½*
Ultimate Warrior is back, in pog form!
Meanwhile, Mankind is almost ready to debut, and we’re pretty much all guilty of making him into what he is. And now he’s coming to our neighborhoods and showing us the ugliness of mankind.
Justin Hawk Bradshaw v. Barry Horowitz
Bradshaw goes after the arm right away while Vince talks about his “romp ‘em whomp ‘em Texas style” and then we get an inset promo from Bradshaw. He lets us know that he loves to brand people because then it shows that he owns them. Maybe don’t go branding the Jewish guy, just a thought. Bradshaw with a slam and he beats on the back while the announcers point out that Wrestlemania will NOT feature any bait-and-switch, unlike those OTHER guys. Yes, Vince McMahon, famous for always delivering exactly what was advertised. Bradshaw boots him down and finishes with the lariat at 3:49. And yeah, Barry gets branded.
SLAM JAM! WITH DOX HENDRIX!
Undertaker has some last words for Diesel.
Stone Cold Steve Austin v. Ben Greer
I’m glad the ring announcer clarified that this is NON-TITLE and thus Austin’s Million Dollar belt isn’t on the line. Mr. Perfect is impressed by the non-fancy nature of Austin’s entrance, but Vince is aghast because the belt has gold and diamonds and there’s nothing fancier than that. Steve Austin, world renowned fancy man. Austin beats Greer down and goes to a half-crab, and then picks him up and pokes him in the eye before slugging him down again. Million Dollar Dream finishes at 1:45. I think they’ve got something with Austin. Austin keeps the sleeper on too long, so Savio Vega attacks to save the jobber. And then Austin puts Vega in the Dream! Yeah, show ‘em who’s boss, Steve. And no one comes out to save Savio, probably because everyone has learned their lesson about sticking their nose in Austin’s business now.
Meanwhile, we get dueling video packages about Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels. Bret notes that he used to look up to Randy Savage but then one day he was “knocking on Randy’s door” and passed him. He also notes that it’s not a popularity contest, it’s about who’s the best wrestler.
Meanwhile, Goldust is on the red carpet at the Oscars and writhes around on the ground while cutting a promo on Roddy Piper.
The Bushwhackers v. Johnny Blade & Joseph White
Vince really getting his money’s worth out of the Whackers on this taping. Johnny Blade absolutely does not look like someone who should be called that. They beat on Blade in the corner with the usual stuff and bring White in to finish him with the battering ram at 1:49.
SLAM JAM! WITH DOX HENDRIX!
Dok runs down the WM card one last time before the show.
WWF tag team title tournament semi-final: Owen Hart & British Bulldog v. The Godwinns
So is no one even going to bring up that the winners of this are in the pre-show, but Owen and Bulldog are already booked on the Wrestlemania main card? Like, how obvious can you make the winner? Bulldog gets double-teamed in the farmer corner, but Owen comes in and goes after PIG’s arm and he gets all riled up. But Cornette hits him with the tennis racket to put the heels in control again, so Hillbilly Jim chases Cornette to the back while PIG gets worked over. Phineas gets a sunset flip for two and we take a break. Back with Owen continuing to work PIG over, but HOG gets a hot tag and runs Bulldog into the corner for two. But then the New Rockers hit the ring and attack the Godwinns, drawing the DQ at 5:29 and allowing the Godwinns to advance to the finals. Wow what a tournament this has been. *
And we finish with Jim Cornette running up a truck to escape from Hillbilly Jim and his dog.
Well I guess I gotta redo Wrestlemania now. Lucky me.