The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 03.30.91

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 03.30.91

Originally written 05.19.26

Taped from Pepsi-Cola FL on 03.11.91, which was also the Superstars & Stripes Forever taping.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Rowdy Roddy Piper & Macho Man Randy Savage, now retired and never again to return to the world of wrestling. Much like Brock Lesnar.

RED HOT BREAKING NEWS: Hulk Hogan is the WWF champion once again!

UPDATE! WITH MEAN GENE OKERLUND! BROUGHT TO YOU BY COLISEUM VIDEO’S WRESTLEMANIA VII VIDEOTAPE RELEASE!

Gene claims “the largest audience in PPV history” watched Warrior beat Macho Man and the Nasty Boys win the tag team titles. Bitch that wasn’t even the largest PPV audience THAT YEAR. Also Sherri defected from Macho Man to Ted Dibiase, and Macho reunited with Elizabeth. Gene really sucked the passion out of that one. And then we get like 15 minutes of Hogan posing after winning the title while Gorilla lies about the PPV audience.

BUT THEN!

Mean Gene goes to interview Hulk in his dressing room after his patriotic victory, but Sgt. Slaughter pops out and he’s like SURPRISE! FIREBALL! Goddamn flash paper is the real enemy of great Americans everywhere. Apparently half of Hulk’s face has been burned by the lethal combination of paper and nitrocellulose, and he may be dead or whatever, but he’ll be defending his new title soon, lemme tell ya.

The Bushwackers v. Bob Holly & Mike Samples

TIL Bitter Bob made his WWF debut getting squashed by these two goofs. How about that. The Wackers run Holly out of the ring and do their marching and such, but Bob regroups and uh gets nowhere before they finish him with the battering ram and gutbuster at 2:30. Maybe this Holly kid should try a new career, maybe racing cars.

The Mountie v. Major Yates

Mountie puts the boots to Yates and makes sure we know who he is on several occasions, and then finishes with the carotid artery pinch at 1:30 while we get an inset from Big Bossman.

The British Bulldog v. Doug Vines

Macho notes that if he was still wrestling, he would have jumped Davey when he turned around. Meanwhile, Vince talks about the impending return of Brutus Beefcake, who will be opening up a Barber Shop in the WWF soon. Geez we’re literally one week from the last appearance of the Mariner and they’re already repackaging the guy as a BARBER. Bulldog with a chinlock for a while and he hits Vines with a clothesline and finishes with the powerslam at 2:23. Meanwhile the announcers set up the next program, Bulldog v. Perfect for the IC title around the horn, although Perfect didn’t really defend the title that much between WM and Summerslam because his back was so incredibly jacked up. In fact by the time we got to summer, he was in such pain that he was only able to work one or two pre-Summerslam taping squash matches and then basically had to sit on the sidelines for two months before going to drop the title to Bret.

The FUNERAL PARLOR with Paul Bearer debuts, and he talks about how everyone dies and will eventually be on his show because they’re dead and need funerals. Lovely.

Power & Glory v. John Allen & Dale Wolfe

Poor Herc and Jerk are getting set up for the Bushwackers next, which probably didn’t help their attitude problems. Herc no-sells some offense from Wolfe and just slugs him down, and then Roma comes in and puts the boots to him. Roma with a dropkick and that gets two, and Herc adds a clothesline and sideslam. Roma drops the elbow and pins Allen with one foot at 3:14 as they don’t even bother with the PowerPlex. Piper and Savage had some funny chemistry here and proved to be a good combo right away.

The Brooklyn Brawler v. The DRAGON

So this Dragon fella, who certainly doesn’t resemble any past WWF superstars that Randy Savage might have history with, blows fire on the way in and hits Brawler with chops to put him down right away. Savage: “I hope the Brawler messes up that ponytail”. Still some heel edge I see. Dragon keeps throwing chops and not much else while Piper acknowledges that this guy’s name is actually RICKY STEAMBOAT and I’m scandalized. Dragon to the top with a flying chop and then the flying bodypress to finish at 1:52. Holy shit Steamboat already looked bored and he was debuting here.

Meanwhile, we meet certified tax expert IRWIN R. SCHYSTER, who offers some tax tips to avoid cheating on your taxes via phony charity donations. OH I COULD SAY SOME STUFF TODAY. I’m sure you can guess.

Sgt. Slaughter joins us to insult the crowd and introduces his new comrade…

Colonel Mustafa v. Billy Burke

To their credit, this time they don’t even pretend that he’s a new guy, as Piper is like “Yeah that’s just Iron Sheik” and he quickly finishes Burke with the camel clutch at 0:45. Sheik of course was coming off his hilarious WCW tenure, where they got rid of him but then forget to actually terminate his contract, so he got paid for another year doing nothing.

NEXT WEEK: Big Bossman! The Undertaker! Jake Roberts! Ted Dibiase! The Rockers! Mr. Perfect!

Business appears to be picking up this week with some big debuts and more to come later on.