The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 03.23.96

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 03.23.96

Taped from Corpus Christi, TX

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Jim Ross & Mr. Perfect

Goldust v. Alex Porteau

Yes, it’s the momentous Superstars debut of THE PUG. But he’s not a pug yet. Barely even a puppy. Fun fact: My emergency backup dog, Libby, is a pug-Shelty cross. Porteau tries using some wrestling on Goldust, but he walks into what Perfect calmly calls a “butt check” to end his offense. Goldust stops to gyrate and Porteau rolls him up for two, but Goldust finishes with the Curtain Call at 2:10. If you think about it, that move is basically just the stunner, but with the person delivering the stunner getting pinned.

Ahmed Johnson v. Jeff Brettler

I don’t know WTF is with this geek’s giant MC Hammer pants. Ahmed destroys him with rolling german suplexes in an interesting bit of offense, and then finishes with the spinebuster and Pearl River Plunge at 1:35.

SLAM JAM! WITH HANDSOME DOK HENDRIX!

Goldust continues making threats to Rowdy Roddy Piper in advance of what Dok describes as a “good old fashioned street fight” at Wrestlemania.

Hunter Hearst Helmsley joins Vince for an interview in the ring, and boy howdy if you had charted their future relationship and then went back in time to tell your 1996 self about it, you’d have some EXPLAINING to do. So Hunter continues trying to do his hilariously terrible “blueblood” accent while talking about his upcoming match with Warrior, and apparently he holds the Kryptonite for Superman’s cape and it’s the PEDIGREE.

Meanwhile, at MSG, Diesel & Shawn Michaels face Bret Hart & Undertaker in advance of Wrestlemania, and then Diesel turns on Shawn afterwards to surely end their friendship forever. And then on RAW, Undertaker has Diesel’s dead body in a coffin, as you usually see on wrestling TV shows for kids.

Jerry Lawler v. Al Jackson

Lawler generously decides to do his own commentary for the match, allowing Vince to have a break from play by play. So Jerry interviews the jobber, who is also a boxer, and then slugs him down with a sucker punch to teach him a lesson. Then he grabs a headlock while making fun of his bald spot, but Al reverses to his own headlock while Lawler complains about a hairpull. Next up, Lawler reverses to a headscissors and makes more jokes (“Your dad is probably at home trying to find a lawyer who can find a loophole in your birth certificate”) and then drops a fist on him. I hear that Al is one of the best boxers in the country, but unfortunately all his fights are in the city! Huge if true. Jackson makes a comeback and slugs Jerry down to shut him up for a bit, then goes up with a missile dropkick and backdrop. But then he puts his head down and Lawler finishes with a piledriver and a handful of tights at 3:45. Not really sure what the point was, but it was a pretty entertaining bit of silliness.

Meanwhile, Shawn Michaels tells the story of meeting Jose Lothario.

Meanwhile, Savio Vega discovers that he’s teaming up with STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN tonight.

WWF tag team tournament semi-finals: The Bodydonnas v. Savio Vega & Stone Cold Steve Austin

We get all the Vince greatest hits before the match even starts, “Anything can happen!”, “Notwithstanding…” and “And then from there!”. We need a “whatamanuever” and “right in the bread basket” to compete the bingo card during the match. Zip takes Savio down and they trade wristlocks to start, and it’s over to Skip. Savio controls him with armdrags and goes for the tag, but Austin walks away from him. Because he’s a loner you see. Probably doesn’t trust anyone. Although I do find it kind of funny that someone who is such a noted loner is a multiple time tag team champion. Zip with a gutwrench for two, which gives us “LOOK AT THAT MANEUVER”, and I’m calling that close enough. But then Skip goes up and misses on the Rocket Launcher, taking a clown bump while Savio makes a comeback with atomic drops, and the leg lariat looks to finish. But then Austin shockingly turns on his own partner and Skip pins Savio at 4:19 to advance to the finals. Really bad and ridiculously short for what is supposed to be an important tournament match. *.

Next week: It’s Superstars #500, and what other main event could you book besides the Godwinns?

And oh god, we’re back to Billionaire Ted’s Wrasslin’ Warroom. Ted faces the “FTC” who ask questions about “predatory practices” that continue the slanderous attacks on Ted Turner. I think it’s even a different guy playing “Ted” this time too. This wasn’t even attempting to be a little bit funny and it was just Vince McMahon of all people whining by proxy about someone else trying to put HIM out of business for once. Boo fucking hoo. I kind of wish Ted Turner had sued him into the stone age over this garbage.

One more week until Wrestlemania 12, and yeah I’ll probably redo it. It’s due.