The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 03.16.96

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 03.16.96

Man if anything notable happens with Steve Austin on this show my brain is gonna explode.

Taped from Corpus Christi, TX

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Jim Ross & Mr. Perfect

WWF tag team tournament: The Bushwhackers v. The Bodydonnas

Amazingly this thing IS STILL in the first round! Even more amazingly, the Bushwhackers are still around in 1996. Although the story goes that WCW tried to sign them at this point, only to discover during negotiations that they were in fact still under contract to the WWF and no one had even realized it. Butch works on Zip to start and rubs his face on the ropes, and then fights off a double-team and clotheslines both blond goofs before Luke comes in and works on Skip’s arm. But then Zip trips him up and Luke gets worked over in the corner. Butch gets a hot tag and they double-team Zip with a clothesline, but Skip comes off with the top rope and puts Zip on top for the pin at 3:59 to advance. The graphic reveals that Savio Vega’s partner has been suspended and is no longer mentioned by name on TV, so clearly the Bodydonnas are just getting a bye and going to the finals! *

Meanwhile, on RAW, Goldust gets all freaky with Rowdy Roddy Piper and invites him to “do his best work in the backlot”. So Piper lays him out and promises to “make a man out of him”.

Duke The Dumpster Droese v. Wild Bill Irwin

I don’t recall Irwin working under his own name in the WWF at all. Bill hits him with a running knee in the corner, but Duke hits him with a kneelift and slugs away before dropping an elbow on him and going to a chinlock. This somehow leads to a discussion of the Ultimate Warrior, as Perfect speculates that Warrior had joined a cult and lost 180 pounds. Huge if true. Bill cuts him off and slams him to set up a flying elbow for two while the announcers continue to discuss the rumors and conjecture about this Ultimate Warrior fella. Droese beats on Irwin with chops and whips him into the corner, and Irwin takes a MONSTER bump over the top rope, obviously trying for a job. So then Droese goes over and hits him with a garbage can behind the ref’s back, which is apparently a message for Hunter Hearst Helmsley. I’m assuming the message is “I’m going to hit you with a garbage can” because otherwise it’s a really esoteric metaphor. Back in, he finishes Irwin with a Dino Bravo sideslam at 3:39. Irwin was a really good worker and wasting him as the Goon was a mistake, they could have gotten tons of mileage out of him in the midcard if he was motivated.

SLAM JAM! WITH DOK HENDRIX!

We take a look at the training regimens of Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels, as Bret brushes off Shawn as a “tennis ball” bouncing around the ring, but he doesn’t have any effective moves. Aside from his “big kick” of course. I’m still somewhat saddened that I was off the Bret train for a while at this point because he RULED.

Meanwhile, Mankind tells his backstory of being a piano prodigy who smashed up his own fingers with a hammer to spite his unloving mother. And now he’s making a symphony of destruction with screams of mercy. And you’ll have to sing along even if you don’t know the words!

STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN v. Aldo Montoya

Holy shit, the debut of “Stone Cold Steve Austin” is on 3/16? Complete with the new shaved head and goatee look? Vince claims that the show was a sellout with “several thousand turned away” and they actually did sell out the Coliseum with 3700 people. Also takes Austin down and works the arm to start, but Austin beats on him in the corner and follows with a snap suplex before dropping a knee on him for two. Interestingly, not only has Austin shifted name, but he’s also changed his wrestling style from working submission holds on the mat to straight up brawling. Hopefully that works out for him. Million Dollar Dream finishes at 2:45. This brings out Savio to save the young Portuguese warrior, and he has a staredown with Austin. That name immediately feels so much more natural than “The Ringmaster” was.

Meanwhile, on RAW, Jake Roberts and Ahmed Johnson get involved in the Vader storyline to shift the Wrestlemania match into a six-man.

Isaac Yankem DDS v. Al Walker

I’m wondering now if Yankem’s drill theme was inspired by Van Halen’s “Poundcake”. That album was certainly my jam in high school. Yankem beats on Walker and the guy bumps to the floor despite having some sweet gold trunks with lightning bolts and “Master Ace” on his ass. That’s some RESTAURANT QUALITY wordplay. Also he’s black, probably should have led with that, sorry. Should have pushed this guy to the moon. Instead he jobs to a shitty DDT in 2:00.

SLAM JAM! WITH DOX HENDRIX!

We have now learned that Ultimate Warrior will be facing Hunter Hearst Helmsley in what will certainly be a competitive match with lots of twists and turns and near-falls.

Bob “Spark Plug” Holly v. Hunter Hearst Helmsley

Vince’s new thing is claiming that Warrior is “the most reckless individual in the history of the WWF”, which I think is pretty dismissive of all the people who were caught drunk driving or doing drugs over the years. I thought wrestling was about respecting those that came before you? Holly gets a quick backslide on Hunter for two, but Hunter tosses him over the top to take over and then comes off the top with a clobbering forearm for two. Helmsley whips him into the corner while the announcers discuss all the different ways you can win falls in an Iron Man match, which we will no doubt see demonstrated at Wrestlemania. Hunter goes to the top again with another forearm as this match is weirdly going nowhere. Holly reverses the Pedigree into a catapult and it’s a double down as we get a Vince audio drop-in talking about how Hunter is scared about facing Ultimate Warrior, as they literally switch feuds between the Droese squash and this match. Bob catches another quick one on Hunter, but KICK WHAM PEDIGREE finishes at 4:38. Speaking of Bob Holly, this was a goddamn car wreck for some reason. ½*.

Meanwhile, Jim Ross stops by the Bodydonna dressing room and informs them that Savio Vega will have to draw a random name from a hat and team with that person next week in the tag team tournament. Unsurprisingly, Sunny freaks out about that and thinks that is the worst thing that’s ever happened to her.

And THANK GOD we have no Billionaire Ted skit to sit through to end the show this week.

This continues to be a terrible show that is easy to watch and noteworthy to recap, which is why I continue doing so. But man there’s a lot of RAW recaps in each episode and that’s only gonna get worse as the year progresses.