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The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 03.16.91

By Scott Keith on 5 May 2026

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 03.16.91

Originally written 05.04.26

Is it me or does it feel like we’re taking FOREVER to get from Royal Rumble to Wrestlemania? There’s been some interesting stuff at least but man I’m just like LET’S GET THIS OVER WITH ALREADY by this point because I’m sick of Sgt. Slaughter and the Iraqi war shit all over again.

Taped from Orlando, FL on 02.18.91

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Roddy Piper, with dumb Irish puns this week because of St. Patrick’s Day.

The British Bulldog v. Cliff Sheats

We’re still in the awkward phase where it’s “The British Bulldog” Davey Boy Smith, but it obviously worked better once they just went with the Bulldog name. Bulldog gets the delayed suplex while we get an inset from the Warlord that’s about as exciting as you’d imagine, and Bulldog clotheslines him and goes to a chinlock. Meanwhile, Finkel shills for the closed circuit showing of WM7, and BY THE WAY last week we finally solved the mystery of what happened to bump the closed circuit showing in Edmonton: A home game with the Oilers facing the Kings. So that finally solves a 40 year old mystery for me. Powerslam finishes at 2:00.

UPDATE! WITH MEAN GENE OKERLUND!

Wrestlemania is one week away and all the tickets are gone in Los Angeles! Well that’s a lie. So this week we recap the events that led up to Bossman v. Perfect, as Bobby Heenan repeatedly insults Big Bossman’s mother, although it omits one particular person’s involvement in the feud. You have to admit, some of the cracks were pretty funny, like his mother going trick-or-treating as herself because she doesn’t need a costume to scare kids. Some people just can’t take a joke.

The Texas Tornado v. Pez Whatley

Pez attacks and gets tossed by Kerry, and we’re treated to an inset from Kerry as well about Dino Bravo. “When I spin, I guarantee I win”. Well, keep trying. Kerry clotheslines him over the top rope again and back in the ring for a tornado punch, and as promised, when he spins, he wins at 1:55. So he got that one correct at least.

The Nasty Boys v. Brian Costello & Terry Davis

Knobs beats Costello down and Sags comes in with a bulldog, and it’s over to Davis, who looks like the geekiest Crockett jobber who ever geeked. This is a guy who was born to get punched in the face by “Hands of Stone” Ron Garvin in one match and bulldogged by Sam Houston in another one on the same taping. Into the corner for Knobs’ splash and they finish with the Shitty Elbow at 2:44.

Hulk Hogan joins Mean Gene for the go-home Wrestlemania interview, and it’s remarkably to the point, which in this case is “blah blah blah whatcha gonna do blah blah blah” I think.

Rick Martel v. Frankie Lancaster

We get an inset from Jake Roberts, who promises to give Martel a ride home, but the problem is that it’s a road he’s never known. That feels like a stealth song lyric but I can’t put my finger on it. Martel pulls out a hood and puts it on Lancaster’s head while Vince explains to the audience how the blindfold match gag is going to work and how the crowd is going to help Jake and mislead Martel. So Martel beats him down and chokes him out while Lancaster has to act like the thin hood renders him unable to defend himself, and Martel finishes him with the Boston crab at 2:14. Cute idea here.

Meanwhile, some dude is still blowing fire with his dragon-like wings and I’m assuming this was dropped and never mentioned again because I have no idea who it might be leading up to.

This week in 1991 commercials: America was obsessed with Butterfinger thanks to Bart Simpson, and MC Hammer sells us Pepsi. Yup, that checks out, it’s 1991 all right.

WRESTLEMANIA REPORT! WITH MEAN GENE OKERLUND!

We hear from Slaughter, of course, in yet another “immortal slime” interview as they’ve backed off the war stuff a lot. Plus we hear from Macho King, and Warrior is another notch in his belt and he’s gonna burn the building down and take Warrior’s career. And Warrior does his “sew the crystal into my head” rebuttal for about the 10th time. He really needs new material. Also funny how meaningless the retirement stip ended up being, what with Macho challenging for the WWF title at the very next Wrestlemania. And we take a look back at last week’s Prime Time Wrestling, as the “Queen” knights Bobby Heenan, and then we get hidden camera footage of Bobby and “Queen” conspiring and laughing about FAKING it. I feel so stupid for believing it as long as I did. And hey, let’s hear from Regis Philbin, Willie Nelson, Alex Trebek and I think that’s all the celebrities that they could scrape up this year.

The Undertaker v. Pat Armstrong

This marks the debut of the URN, replacing the dirt gimmick he was doing a couple of weeks ago when Paul Bearer debuted. So now all the pieces are in place. Armstrong attacks and gets elbowed down as a result, and Taker puts him down with a quasi-chokeslam before hitting a back suplex. We get an inset from Paul Bearer, who is more cackling Percy Pringle in delivery at this point rather than the squeaky-voiced weirdo that channelled the Addams Family. Taker with the ropewalk and he finishes with the tombstone at 2:30. And then we get more dirt dumped on the guy, which thankfully wouldn’t be around as a gimmick much longer.

NEXT WEEK: Earthquake! Dibiase! LOD! Ultimate Warrior has an interview!

I know there’s also the Superstars and Stripes Forever show that aired a day after this episode, but outside of Mr. Perfect v. Shawn Michaels (which I’ve already reviewed on Wrestlefest 91) there’s not anything on that show that’s particularly worth caring about. But also I probably should just review it for completeness sake because that’s what I do.

But man, who the hell is that mysterious fire breathing dragon guy? I hear Mike Rotundo is supposed to be coming in with a new gimmick soon, maybe it’s him.