The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 03.14.92

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 03.14.92

Taped from Tampa, FL, on 02.17.92

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Mr. Perfect, celebrating National Poison Prevention week. That’s nuts, you can’t stop Bret Michaels! Well I guess “Native Tongue” almost did.

Bret Hart v. Jimmy James

We get an inset promo from Roddy Piper, who clarifies that he doesn’t pull punches or take dives. Well we know he certainly lay down in the 80s for anyone. Bret with the usual and he finishes with the Sharpshooter at 1:20.

UPDATE! WITH MEAN GENE! BROUGHT TO YOU BY SUPER WRESTLEMANIA ON SNES!

Well it was certainly “super” compared to Wrestlemania on NES, a game that my poor parents paid full price for me to play, sadly. Apparently the SCANDALOUS and UNSCRUPULOUS allegations from Ric Flair continue to persist, although Gene brags about breaking the story. And then we get a lunch meeting with Flair and Vince McMahon, who is DISGUSTED with Flair engaging in that kind of conduct. Well at least he didn’t shit on Elizabeth, Vince! Flair laughs it off and tells everyone to buy the new WWF magazine, which has the scandalous photos inside and will soon be a collector’s item because Savage is trying to buy up all the copies. Good lord what a fantastic grift to get people to buy more copies of that magazine. And of course, she was mine before she was yours!

Papa Shango v. Lee Thomas

Although he doesn’t have voodoo powers, he does a skull necklace that’s literally on fire and stays in the corner, which is rumored to be where Austin’s smoking skull design came from. Rumored by me. Shoulderbreaker finishes at 1:00.

Meanwhile, Mean Gene chats with Randy Savage in his home, after bragging about breaking the story earlier. Elizabeth is too upset to be on camera, SUPPOSEDLY. Evidence is piling up that she dropped a dime and went to go see the Nature Boy, I’d say. Savage, chilling at home with a pink bandana and tie dye shirt, as we all have, listens to the allegations and then rages “UNTRUE!” over and over. Well that didn’t really clear anything up.

Tito Santana v. Lee Armstrong

Tito works a headlock and then quickly finishes with El Pasa del Muerte at 1:00. Perfect meanwhile threatens to reveal photos of Vince just like he did to Savage. Oh shit we know who the Wall Street Journal leaker is now! Oh never mind I guess he was dead by then.

Meanwhile, Mean Gene chats with Jake Roberts in advance of his match with the Undertaker at Wrestlemania, and he’s dropping Shakespeare quotes instead of rock lyrics this week. Trapping Undertaker in the casket and beating him with the chair felt ALMOST as good as slapping Liz. Almost. It was foreplay for Jake, but he’ll finish soon, and not prematurely, but at Wrestlemania. Ew. And if they gave out a medal in the Olympics for killing baby seals, he’d win the gold. That line was always hilariously over the top evil.

Meanwhile, someone is in prison, but his time is almost up and BIG BOSSMAN IS GONNA PAY.

The Natural Disasters v. Jim Cooper & Paul Simpson

Aw that’s nice, the jobbers raise each other’s hand before getting smashed here. Cooper gets squashed in the corner by splashes, and Quake hits the butt splash and Typhoon finishes with the big fat splash at 2:00. Vince, on the cutting edge of pop culture, declares that there’s “trouble in River City” ahead for Dibiase & IRS, who still don’t have a name yet.

WRESTLEMANIA REPORT! WITH MEAN GENE!

Tickets are going fast, but you can still somehow scrape up one if you really hurry! But it’s probably hopeless because there’s gonna be 72,000 legitimate people in the building who all totally bought tickets, so you might as well just stay home I guess. We hear another nonsense promo from Hulk Hogan, who was running on fumes at this point, and announce another BIG MATCH: The Mountie & Nasty Boys & Repo Man v. Virgil & Jim Duggan & Sgt. Slaughter & Big Bossman. Plus sitcom star Reba Mcintyre will be singing the national anthem. Damn I actually haven’t reviewed that show in 20 years, guess that’s on the list now.

Sid Justice v. Dale Wolfe

Sid quickly tosses Wolfe out and then beats on him with a chair for “touching his little guy” without permission. Consent is definitely important. Back in the ring, Sid finishes the geek with the powerbomb at 1:44. I should note that Sid’s music at this point sounds like a ripoff of “Demolition”. This brings out Virgil to help out the jobber, but he also runs afoul of Dr. Harvey and that results in Sid teaching him a lesson and chokeslamming him before smashing his face into the exposed turnbuckle and breaking his face. See now if Sid had been THIS version of the character all along instead of lame babyface Sid Justice, he would have been the star that they expected. Also they build up the idea of Sid doing that same thing to Beefcake at Wrestlemania like it was a big spot they had planned, but Beefcake wasn’t even at the show so it ended up being kind of a pointless subplot.

NEXT WEEK: Hulk Hogan speaks! They probably had to twist his arm really hard there. The Mountie & The Nasty Boys team up! More photos from Ric Flair!