The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 03.09.96

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 03.09.96

Taped from Huntington, WV

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Jim Ross & Mr. Perfect

Hey did you know that Ultimate Warrior is coming back?

Justin Hawk Bradshaw v. Fatu

Uncle Zeb tries to brand Fatu RIGHT IN THE BOOB and that allows Bradshaw to hit the lariat and pin him. WTF was that about?

SLAM JAM! WITH HANDSOME DOK HENDRIX!

Yes, we have learned that Ultimate Warrior is returning at Wrestlemania 12, filed under “Things That Cannot Possibly Go Wrong”. Dok takes a shot at Hulk Hogan, noting that Warrior beat him in 1990 and “Hulk went on a downward spiral way down after that”. However, we do not yet have the scoop on Warrior’s opponent, but that’s coming on RAW. I bet whoever it is, has REALLY great hair, though.

Ahmed Johnson v. Gary Scott

Ahmed quickly hits the doofus with an axe kick and spinebuster, then follows with the Pearl River Plunge to finish at 1:06. I have no idea what was up with that guy’s hairstyle.

Meanwhile, THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR is getting ready to return and I think we can all agree that this is a can’t miss opportunity and will be virtually impossible to screw up in any meaningful way. Also I love Vince’s recap of Warrior’s career, as apparently he beat Randy Savage at Wrestlemania VII and then “vanished”, not to be seen again until he returns this year. Yes, it is indeed a mystery what happened to him in 1991 and where he mysteriously disappeared to.

The British Bulldog v. David Haskins

Bulldog with a delayed suplex, so delayed they should call it Warrior’s return after mysteriously disappearing in 1991, and the powerslam finishes at 1:24. Man these guys aren’t getting paid by the hour out there this week. Gorilla would be so proud.

Meanwhile, Vince talks us through the upcoming “Iron Man match” between Bret and Shawn at Wrestlemania.

Yokozuna v. Reginald Walker, Mark Kyle & Denny Parton

Vince notes that this is reminiscent of Andre’s triple handicap matches of the past, although Jim quips “that was before my time, Vince”. Perfect: “Wasn’t before my time.” Yoko tosses two of the geeks and no-sells Kyle’s attempts to get offense on him before dropping the Hulkbuster legdrop on him. And then Yoko grabs the other two and STACKS THEM UP LIKE CORDWOOD before hitting them with the buttdrop at 2:40.

Meanwhile, Goldust presents his interpretation of Piper’s Pit, as we’re now setting up the Goldust-Piper match with the sudden loss of Razor Ramon. No worries, they’ve got Ultimate Warrior. Anyway, Goldust rambles to set up the feud that best he can and then plays bagpipes to wrap up this trainwreck.

Meanwhile, Mankind appears to be hanging out in some kind of dank pit pondering the nature of evil, but soon the time will be here and no one will have a nice day.

WWF Tag team title tournament: 1-2-3 Kid & Tatanka v. Razor Ramon & Savio Vega

So yeah, this was taped weeks earlier, and by the time it aired Ramon was suspended and nearing his exit from the promotion. Vince does brush off the appearance of Razor here, saying “notwithstanding the six week live event suspension of the Bad Guy….” And I guess that’s that. And then Vince also notes that Justin Bradshaw is demanding another match because the first one was too short, so we’ll get another one after this. WTF is with this taping? Tatanka slugs away on Vega in the corner, but Savio comes back with a hiptoss and brings in Razor. They work the arm while Kid declines to tag in, and Vega gets all frustrated and allows the Kid to hit him RIGHT IN THE MUSH to take over. Kid puts Vega down with a spinkick. Tatanka beats on him in the corner as we take a break. Back exactly where we left off, with Tatanka dropping an elbow for two. Kid and Vega collide for the double down and it’s hot tag Razor, who runs wild on the Kid with the usual. Tatanka breaks up the Razor’s Edge while Dibiase takes the ref, and Kid hits a spinkick. But then Razor hits Tatanka with the Razor’s Edge and pins him at 5:50. Kind of a mess and Tatanka could not have looked less motivated out there. *1/2

Justin Hawk Bradshaw v. Scott D’Amore

I guess that first match for Bradshaw didn’t have enough of an IMPACT. And Bradshaw finishes D’Amore at 1:00 as well.

Tee Vee Trivia with Billionaire Ted

Yup, this is where the Ted skits really go off the rails into slander territory, as the host reads a series of quotes from Ted Turner presented wildly out of context, intended to make him sound like a racist and misogynist. There is one laugh, as we get a cutaway to the Huckster handcuffed to the ring and unable to escape. The rest is nearing the bottom of the barrel and shows they probably should have quit while they were ahead.

Well this episode was quite the trainwreck. At least it’s not boring!