The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 03.02.96

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 03.02.96

Check out part 1 of Cultaholic’s History of the WWF Golden Age (Part 1) on YouTube! As written by my friend Justin Henry.

Taped from Huntington, WV

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Jim Ross & Mr. Perfect

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING PROGRAM CONTAINS MATERIAL OF A GRAPHIC NATURE

I can only imagine what that might be.

Owen Hart v. Barry Horowitz

Last week, Owen & Bulldog beat Horowitz & Hakushi in the first round of the tag title tournament. This week it’s Barry’s revenge! They trade wristlocks to start and Owen hits him with an elbow RIGHT IN THE MUSH. Owen whips him into the corner, but Horowitz comes back with a jawbreaker and a nice dropkick. Backslide gets two. But then another dropkick misses and Owen polishes him off with the Sharpshooter at 2:41.

SLAM JAM! WITH DOK HENDRIX! BROUGHT TO YOU BY R/C CARS OR SOME SHIT!

All the kids are talking about the upcoming Iron Man match between Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels. Also Vader faces Yokozuna, who can suddenly speak perfect English and is apparently from the mean streets.

WWF tag team title tournament: The Godwinns v. The New Rockers

So the Godwinn dog apparently takes a shit in the ring and Vince thinks it’s hilarious, which is delightfully on brand. This is the debut of the New Rockers and Al Snow as Leif Cassidy, wearing Marty’s old gear after failing to find any other gimmicks that worked for him. Also the New Rockers completely misses the point of the original team, which was exciting and coked up babyfaces who liked to party, as opposed to “Two dorks stuck in the 70s” like this is. The Rockers manage to double-team HOG for a bit, and Leif has an excited dance to celebrate a drop toehold on PIG. This is apparently supposed to make us boo this team. Another 80s double-team on PIG, but HOG comes in and tosses Leif out of the ring. He comes back in with a flying bodypress on PIG, but PIG rolls through for the pin at 4:20. I’m not doing justice to how horribly worked this match was, beause you’d think that Marty Jannetty & Al Snow could at least get a watchable and competently worked match out of two competent guys, but I think they literally botched every move and worked the match like a 45 playing at 33 rpms. Since we’re doing 70s references. -**.

Also I think the dog poop was seriously what necessitated the content warning.

Meanwhile, Undertaker messes with Diesel on RAW.

The Ringmaster v. Tony Williams

Vince once again reminds us that the Ringmaster is STONE COLD. So now Ringmaster has shaved the remainder of his hair off and gone bald. And he appears to be growing a goatee in his inset promo. Ringmaster takes Williams down with a Boston crab and then switches to a crossface while Mr. Bob Backlund campaigns for President in the crowd. Good thing we’ll never have anyone as crazy as Bob in the real office! Ringmaster twists up Tony some more and finishes with the Million Dollar Dream at 3:00. Not gonna lie, Stone Cold Ringmaster the submission specialist was an underrated period for Steve’s character development. Oh and did Vince mention that this guy is STONE COLD?

STONE COLD.

Meanwhile, the fans really want Ultimate Warrior to return.

Meanwhile, Rowdy Roddy Piper makes a one hour match between Shawn and Bret at Wrestlemania. There must be a winner! Unless it’s a draw. But they’ll probably figure that out if they get there.

Goldust v. Hakushi

They trade wristlocks as Vince declares that Goldust uses his “bizarreness” to his advantage in the ring. Duly noted. Goldust bails to the floor and Hakushi hits him with a plancha, but Goldust cuts him off with a lariat in the ring and then follows with a butt-butt. Marlena blows some smoke in Hakushi’s face as we take a break and Vince is DISGUSTED. Well at least she didn’t sneeze at him. Back with them messing something up and Goldust going to the top, but Hakushi dropkicks him down to the floor. Back in the ring, Hakushi makes a comeback with the handspring elbow in the corner and he goes up with the flying shoulderblock for two. But then Dustin cuts him off with a knee to the back and finishes with the Curtain Call at 5:00. This was ALL Hakushi, as Dustin looked awful and was stumbling around the ring out there. I think he was injured around this time, but I know he was having trouble in general adjusting to the WWF style until a lot later in the year.

SLAM JAM! WITH DOK HENDRIX!

Yes, Undertaker is going to bury Diesel in the grave that he dug and fill it with Diesel’s battered corpse. Sponsored by Tyco R/C cars.

Meanwhile, Mankind hangs out with his rat friend and shares pain. Don’t even get me started on rodents. I had to exterminate 12 of little mouse bastards who were crawling around my attic in the past couple of weeks.

Jake Roberts v. Cal Taylor

This is Jake’s bible-thumping return to Superstars and he’s portrayed as a washed up veteran here, although at this point he’s 7 years younger than I am now. Thanks a lot, merciless march of time. Jake works the arm and does the usual short arm clothesline and DDT to finish at 2:24.

Billionaire Ted’s Rasslin’ Warroom:

It’s back to Larry Fling Live, with special guests Huckster and Nacho Man. “Recently Injured by woman’s shoe” according to the graphic. “First of all, how’s Liz?” “She’s not so great” they both reply. OK that was pretty funny. So they flex at each other and put over their oldness and baldness, and then Billionaire Ted joins us via satellite while Larry threatens the Huckster with a shoe to prevent a chairshot. And then Huckster and Nacho argue about who gets to win at Wrestlemania, prompting Huckster to attack everyone with chairshots to end the segment. OK now THAT one was funny. See now that was actually light-hearted satire, which is what Vince was claiming it was all along while actually putting out mean-spirited attacks.

Next week: Justin Bradshaw v. Fatu!

A really quite terrible episode almost saved by a hilarious Billionaire Ted, which is quite the reversal of trend for this year so far.