The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 03.02.91

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 03.02.91

Originally written 04.22.26

Taped from Macon, GA on 01.28.91

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Roddy Piper

Jake Roberts v. Terrence Blaylock

Blaylock tries a headlock and Jake suplexes out of it, while we get an inset promo from Ricky Martel, complaining that he didn’t read the fine print on the contract and now he’s forced to cover his beautiful face in a blindfold match! Jake finishes with the DDT at 1:00.

UPDATE! WITH MEAN GENE OKERLUND!

Three weeks away from Wrestlemania, live from (redacted) in Los Angeles! Last week on Wrestling Challenge, Slaughter burns a Hulk Hogan poster, which I had personally Mandela’d into Slaughter burning the American flag. And then last week on Superstars, Slaughter beats a jobber and then beats up the medic who tries to help the injured geek, which is certainly heelish but not main event of Wrestlemania heelish.

The Viking v. Tommy Landel

The Viking, from ICELAND, debuts here and everyone is immediately confused about how they’re supposed to react to him. Boo? The Viking gets a powerslam and goes HUSS, but otherwise doesn’t seem to have any specific alignment. Viking with a kneedrop and he hits Tommy with a boot on the ropes, and then follows with a front suplex before walking around the ring punching the hair. And then he dumps Landel over the top rope for the countout at 2:14. Thankfully they did some immediate retooling of the character before his next appearance on TV because this version wasn’t going anywhere.

Meanwhile, Mean Gene is at Toys R Us shilling Wrestling Buddies, but Big Bossman interrupts and apprehends all the lawbreaking Hasbro action figures before handcuffing Gene to the shelf and stealing his own figure.

The Rockers v. Jerry Oates & Brooklyn Brawler

Aw, Marty gets to work a squash match with his trainer. That’s nice. Marty does a criss-cross with Oates and they trade leapfrogs before Marty hits him with a bodypress for two. Over to the Brawler, and the Rockers double-team him and work the arm while we get an inset promo from Barbarian and Haku, who declare themselves BRUTALITY SPECIALISTS. Oooh, The Brutalists would be a good name for a team, actually. Oates gets double-teamed by the Rockers next and Marty hits a Rocker Dropper (“that’ll put you away” notes Roddy) before the Rockers finish him with a double fistdrop at 2:30.

Mr. Perfect v. Pez Whatley

Poor guy doesn’t even get to be Shaska anymore. He hits Perfect with a hiptoss and chases him out of the ring, doing a jive celebration before Perfect boots him down again and follows with the necksnap. We get an inset from Bobby Heenan, who wants Bossman to say hi to his lovely mother on his behalf. Well that’s sweet. Whatley comes back with a clothesline out of the corner, but NOW YOU’RE GONNA SEE A PERFECTPLEX at 2:18.

The Brother Love Show with special guest Ultimate Warrior. Since he HAS BEEN WWF champion, that makes him a has been. That’s clever. Warrior promises to end Macho Man’s career at Wrestlemania, and Brother Love is skeptical of his ability to end anyone’s career. So Warrior decides to end a career right now, and he trashes the Brother Love set, causing a terrified Love to run for his life and he ends up in the ring. And Warrior finally manages to shut him up, beating the crap out of him and hitting him with a bunch of clotheslines, and shoulderblocks, and a pair of big splashes to get the revenge that no one else was ever able to. And Love goes out on a stretcher, writing the character off of TV in the process. Obviously saving this up for three years made it even more effective.

WRESTLEMANIA REPORT! WITH MEAN GENE!

All of the tickets in LA are gone, declares Gene, which is a blatant lie. Macho King does a promo, unimpressed by the Warrior’s destruction of a non-wrestler and inanimate objects. Also we get a promo from “The Queen of England”, who predicts a Warlord victory over British Bulldog.

Earthquake v. William Ford

Ford attacks and gets beaten down as a result, and Quake follows with a dropkick while we get an inset from Greg Valentine before their Wrestlemania match. Quake with the powerslam and butt splash to finish at 1:14. But then FURFACE hits the ring and attacks the Quake, hitting him with headbutts to lay him out before running away again! I gotta say, the surprise attack from the mystery man was a pretty good jolt of excitement on these shows, but sadly they dropped it cold after WM and it never paid off.

NEXT WEEK: Barbarian & Haku! Bossman! Mountie! The Hart Foundation!