The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 02.24.96

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 02.24.96

Enough about CM Punk! Time to get back to what all the kids are really talking about: 1996 Superstars! Like why WAS Diesel sucked into the abyss at In Your House? FIND OUT TONIGHT!

Taped from Huntington, WV

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Jim Ross & Mr. Perfect

WWF Tag team title tournament, round one: Barry Horowitz & Hakushi v. Owen Hart & The British Bulldog

In retrospect they should have just put the tag titles on Owen & Bulldog at this point and ran with them for the next year. Might have saved the tag team division from the flaming death that was 1996. So anyway, Vince McMahon wonders whether THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR is coming back to the WWF as rumored. Sounds about as likely as CM Punk ever coming back to the WWF, AM I RIGHT FELLAS? Owen and Bulldog double-team Barry in the corner to start and Owen gets a backbreaker. Meanwhile we get an inset promo from an incredibly creepy and fake-sounding monotone Diana Hart AI recreation that was obviously devised by an evil mastermind somewhere. Hang on, I’m being informed that it was the ACTUAL Diana Hart cutting a promo? May god have mercy on our souls. Speaking of which Hakushi gets a hot tag of sorts but immediately walks into a powerslam from Davey and gets pinned at 3:00. Sadly I’d call this the peak of the entire tournament. *1/2.

Meanwhile, on RAW, Diesel uses an axe to destroy Undertaker’s casket in what Vince deems the ultimate show of disrespect. Oh Nash would be much more disrespectful later in the year.

Duke Droese v. Scott D’Amore

This one looks exciting, bet it’ll be total nonstop action! Duke and his sharp CM Punk haircut hit D’Amore with a back suplex while Hunter watches in gorilla in the backstage area. Hope he gets used to being there. Duke puts the boots to D’Amore, but D’Amore makes a comeback with a clothesline, but walks into a punch and a powerslam. Duke drops a knee and follows with a spinebuster before finishing with another powerslam at 2:53. This was no good. I think D’Amore stands a good chance of having a real impact on the sport, however.

SLAM JAM! WITH HANDSOME DOK HENDRIX!

Apparently Wrestlemania is coming soon.

The Bodydonnas v. AC Conner & Major Yates

The Bodydonnas attack and toss AC to the floor, and then double-team Yates with an assisted legdrop. “She can be a disturber” notes Vince when talking about Sunny. Yeah could say that. Bodydonnas continue double-teaming Yates after luring poor dumb AC into the ring, but AC gets the tag. But then Skip goes low down while Zip goes sky high on AC Conner to take him down, and Skip hits a flying splash for the pin at 2:34. Zip was a good name because that’s the amount of chemistry that the Bodydonnas had together.

Meanwhile, here’s a video about the Ultimate Warrior.

Hunter Hearst Helmsley v. Derek Stone

Stone attacks and misses a dropkick, allowing Hunter to take over. BREAKING NEWS: Duke Droese is having to be physically restrained to keep him from attacking Hunter. Man they drop THAT feud cold in about two weeks, don’t they? Pedigree finishes at 1:20. I still have trouble reconciling this guy with the guy putting on his reading glasses and talking about Peacock engagement numbers at press conferences.

Meanwhile, on the eighth day God created Mankind and made him in the mirror image of all his own atrocities, complete with missing teeth. “Maybe he should have slept that day, too.”

Shawn Michaels v. Shinobi the Ultimate Ninja Assassin

Jim Cornette’s promo reveals that Shinobi knows 54 different ways to inflict pain on opponents. I hear one of them is making them watch Kennel in a Cell. Shinobi attacks to start, but Shawn dropkicks him out of the ring. Look, I don’t wanna say wrestling might not be entirely truthful about everything, but this Shinobi guy seems very reminiscent of that Avatar guy who was on a couple of weeks ago. Owen Hart gets some cheapshots on Shawn from the floor and Shinobi adds a pretty nice dive for more punishment, and back in with a flipping elbow of some kind that gets two. I also find it very Vince McMahon that they’d stick world’s whitest white guy Al Snow under a mask as “Shinobi” when they just had a bunch of real actual Japanese stars hanging around for the Rumble and probably could have used one of them in this position. We take a break and return with Shawn making a comeback after some supposed see saw action back and forth that we missed. Shawn with the flying elbow and he’s BUILDING MOMENTUM, but Owen pulls Shawn out of the ring, only for Shinobi to dive and hit Owen by mistake. Back in the ring, Owen comes in and grabs Shawn, but Shinobi fucks up AGAIN and hits Owen by mistake, allowing Shawn to finish with sweet chin music at 6:23. And then Shawn pins Owen and Jim Cornette as well. This was like a house show main event in Peoria, IL. Vince exuberantly talking about Shawn’s FLAMBOYANCE could not have made him seem less cool.

And finally, Billionaire Ted. This week, Ted is on Larry Fling Live, via the Billionaire News Network. He fields calls from “Randy from Sarasota” and then the Huckster, who wants next Monday off to recover from getting hit with a women’s shoe. Hanoi Jane calls in to say Ted’s suits are ready to pick up from Sears. This is all really funny, but then “Larry” does all the bullshit Vince talking points about Ted being a “corporate predator” and throwing out accusations about manipulating stock prices and owning the media and all the other tiresome stuff that reads like a MAGA troll on Twitter “doing their own research”. Like, again, if they had just stuck with stuff that viewers could actually relate to, like the lame Nitro finishes, this would have been harmless fun. It was the incredibly nasty inside baseball references that made it such a mean-spirited slog to get through. The unmitigated gall of VINCE FUCKING MCMAHON complaining about someone gaslighting the media and wiping out competition with monopolistic practices!

And on that note, we’re out for the week, but next week we continue with the world’s worst tag team title tournament!