The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 02.23.91

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 02.23.91

Originally written 04.14.26

Taped from Macon, GA on 01.28.91

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Rowdy Roddy Piper, discussing peaches this week. Because they’re in Georgia, you see.

Big Bossman v. Alan Martin

Piper is throwing shade at Flavor Flav this week, and I don’t even remember what he might have been doing in 1991 to cause that. Public Enemy wasn’t exactly a household name at that point, although the Anthrax remix of Bring the Noise was my JAM at that point. Bossman dropkicks Martin to the floor and hiptosses him out there, and then quickly finishes with a spinebuster at 1:00 after an inset promo from the Mountie, showing just how long they milked that feud.

UPDATE! WITH MEAN GENE OKERLUND!

We’ve now officially added Hart Foundation v. Nasty Boys to Wrestlemania, thus crushing the dreams of all us Power & Glory fanboys at the time. But hey, P&G have a match with Legion of Doom, so they’ve got a shot at redeeming themselves, right? RIGHT? So we take a look back at last week’s tag team battle royal, where Roma screwed Hawk out of the win and gave the Nasties the title shot. So we get a promo from Herc & Jerk that’s sadly longer than the actual match turned out to be.

The Undertaker v. Tommy Angel

It’s the debut for Paul Bearer as Undertaker’s ringside manager, after being introduced on Brother Love last week. Vince and Piper immediately make the same joke about Angel that I was going to. Taker hits him with a spinebuster and beats on him in the corner before putting him down with a big boot and choking him out. Taker with the ropewalk and he finishes with the tombstone at 1:56. And then Taker debuts a gimmick where he takes a bag of dirt from Bearer and sprinkles it on the jobber.

Meanwhile, Mean Gene and Butch shop for WWF SquirtHeads at Toys R Us. Real thing. https://wrestlingfiguredatabase.com/collections/multi-toys-wwf-squirt-heads Insert your own punchline here.

Haku v. Virgil

We’ve got Ted Dibiase in the heel corner and Roddy Piper in the babyface corner. Virgil’s got all-white tights here, which actually looks a lot better than the geeky striped gear he would use later. He quickly hits Haku with a hiptoss and sends him to the floor, and back in for some shoulderblocks from Virgil. But he charges and misses, and Haku tosses him out of the ring and Virgil takes a nice bump down the aisle. Virgil is down and out and Dibiase calls for the bell, but Piper tells Virgil to GET UP and KEEP FIGHTING. So Virgil beats the count, but Haku clotheslines him and hits him with a gut wrench slam and suplex. So Piper takes the ref and allow Virgil to regroup, which distracts Haku long enough for Virgil to roll him up for the pin at 3:45. Vince is all “Oh well, he cheated, but the ends justify the means!”

The British Bulldog v. Mike Wallace

Vince shills for the Bodybuilding Lifestyles magazine that the world was decidedly not buying in 1991, and Bulldog overpowers Wallace and powerslams him for the pin at 1:33. Well someday Wallace will last 60 Minutes and I can die happy.

The Brother Love Show with special guest Macho King Randy Savage. Macho has shifted away from the King gimmick by this point, straight up dressing in the cowboy hat and frilled jacket gear that he would adopt after his upcoming “retirement”. Ultimate Warrior has no title to put up, so all he’s got to offer is his career, and Macho King is gonna take it, YEAH.

WRESTLEMANIA REPORT! WITH MEAN GENE!

We’ve added Demolition against the “famous Japanese team” of Tenryu and Kitao. Man talk about throwing shade on the Orient Express! They were still around and supposedly a top team at that point! But I guess it’s part of the weird cognitive dissonance of wrestling where we as fans understand the different between “real” Japanese and “fake” Japanese wrestlers. Plus Rockers v. Haku & Barbarian and Tito v. Mountie. And have we heard from Hulk Hogan yet this week? Well I guess we need to. Hulk promises that when Slaughter drops to his knees to surrender unconditionally, Hulk will take that moment to tear him apart for Hulkamania. Isn’t that a literal war crime? I feel like the Geneva Convention would have thoughts about this match. Also Ultimate Warrior wants Macho to bring him all the sickness and madness, because his Warriors will eat until they’re full. Ah, so cannibalism. Charming.

Sgt. Slaughter v. Dale Wolfe

Sarge beats Wolfe down in the corner with his helmet and puts the pointy toed boots to him, then follows with a gutbuster and gourdbuster. And then Slaughter drops elbows on the back and finishes with the camel clutch at 1:25. Wolfe is about to go out on a stretcher, but then Slaughter beats up the medic as well. Well I’m ready to buy Wrestlemania!

NEXT WEEK: Earthquake! The Rockers! The Viking debuts! Jake Roberts! Mr. Perfect! And Ultimate Warrior is a guest of Brother Love! Been waiting for that one.