The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 02.16.91

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 02.16.91

Taped from Macon, GA on 01.28.91. Hey at least we’re taped AFTER the Royal Rumble now.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Rowdy Roddy Piper, doing Little Richard puns three months in advance of the debut of Johnny B. Badd over on the other station. Frankly I’m shocked Vince never tried it first.

Tito Santana v. Ted Oates

Ted has some minor notability in the business for introducing Marty Jannetty to the sport and training him, I guess. Marty was actually “Marty Oates” when he debuted and he was portraying some kind of relative of Ted. He actually gets a back elbow and snapmare on Tito for two, but Tito backdrops him and finishes with the flying forearm at 1:55.

Meanwhile, over on Wrestling Challenge, we get a special interview with Roddy Piper and Virgil, as Roddy shows Virgil the difference between ASKING someone to help shine your boots as a friend, and TELLING you shine your boots as a slave. So then Piper turns the tables and orders Virgil to shine his boots, but this time Virgil says NO, even when Piper slaps him and degrades him. Because Virgil is now a MAN and he’s going to show Dibiase at Wrestlemania. Hell of a deal here to make Virgil a huge babyface.

The Mountie v. Sonny Blaze

Vince compares Mountie to Dudley Do Right, just in case he wasn’t in quite enough trouble for intellectual property theft with this character. Mountie dropkicks him and does the turnbuckle smashes in the corner, and then applies a clawhold of some kind to take Blaze down before finishing with a chokeslam and nerve pinch submission hold at 1:20. Vince notes that the “abuse of authority is seldom seen in law enforcement”.

I mean, never mind that Big Bossman was literally introduced as a power hungry cop who abused his authority.

Tag Team Battle Royal for Wrestlemania title shot:

We’ve got Demolition, the Nasty Boys, the Rockers, The Legion of Doom, the Bushwhackers, Orient Express and Power & Glory, a real who’s who of midcarders. They all exchange clubbing forearms and lay on the ropes, just setting a blistering pace here. Demos try double press slams on the Rockers, but they escape and dropkick Smash out at 1:52 to eliminate the Demos. Man could they look any geekier? Luke is backdropped out by Kato at 1:52 to get rid of the Bushwhackers. But then Shawn accidentally dropkicks Marty out at 3:00 and the Rockers are done. Yeah, “accidentally”. The grueling forearm exchanges continue and Hawk backdrops Kato out to get rid of them at 4:50. Herc and the Nasty Boys triple-team Animal in the corner, but Roma goes to the top rope and lands in Animals’ arms, resulting in Animal dumping him to the floor at 5:55 to eliminate P&G. So the LOD goes to finish the Nasties and secure the title shot with the Doomsday Device, but Roma trips up Hawk and puts him out at 6:25, giving the Nasties the title shot. That felt really early in their run at the time, but I guess it was a pivot from Power & Glory anyway.

Texas Tornado v. Darryl Woodworth

Kerry slugs him out to the floor, but Woodworth gets some cheapshots in the corner. So Kerry getsa. Kind of corner clothesline, with the guy unable to get the timing right, and then Tornado finishes with the tornado punch at 1:45. Usually I bust on Kerry in this era but HOLY CRAP this jobber looked like he was barely even trained to wrestle.

The Brother Love Show, with special guest Undertaker. Brother Love admits that he’s unable to provide Undertaker with the love he requires 24 hours a day, so he’s sold the contract to some guy named Paul Bearer. But then Love has a VISION of Randy Savage retiring the Ultimate Warrior and the segment comes to an end.

WRESTLEMANIA REPORT! WITH MEAN GENE!

“All of the tickets in Los Angeles are gone” lies Mean Gene right away, and then gets right to introducing Virgil v. Dibiase, Harts v. Nasties, and Slaughter v. Hulk. They ended up with 15,000 in the building but there were thousands of tickets unaccounted for with all the mess of downsizing the building. We get promos from Slaughter, Hogan, Savage and Warrior. Warrior reveals that there was a piece of the scepter from the Rumble left in his head and he told the doctors to SEW IT IN. Maybe that’s what eventually killed him?

Rick Martel v. Tommy Landel

Martel hits Tommy with a hiptoss out of the corner and a gut wrench, before finishing with the crab at 1:05. And then he continues the beatdown, which brings out the historic debut of FURFACE/THE MARINER to attack him with headbutts and make the save! Oh shit I forgot that was from this time period. And then we never found out who he was or what he was doing.

Meanwhile, some dude is blowing fire.

Next week: Sgt Slaughter! Macho King! Virgil v. Haku!

Really, Slaughter doing a TV squash match? No wonder he was a lame duck champion.