The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 02.11.89

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 02.11.89

OK we’re caught up with the NWA side of things for 89, so let’s get back to WWF Superstars as we build to the MEGAPOWERS EXPLODING.  I promise I won’t be weird about it.

Taped from Tucson, AZ on 01.24.89

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Jesse Ventura

Meanwhile, on the Main Event, Macho Man gets betrayed by his lustful so-called “partner”, the ugly and vengeful Orange Gaslighting Son of a Bitch who wanted to steal his rightful WWF title and his manager and do god knows what sick and twisted things with the both of them.  You ever see those leaked reports of Paige and the NXT title?  Like that.  BUT WORSE.  Also Hulk carrying Elizabeth down the aisle was a clear swipe from Crisis on Infinite Earths #7 and the famous Death of Supergirl cover, which not only makes him a homewrecking monster, it makes him a PURVEYOR OF INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY THEFT.  I hope George Perez sues his ass.

And let’s not forget that Elizabeth was only in that position in the first place because Hogan couldn’t keep his enormous orange nose out of someone else’s marriage, constantly lurking around ringside with his oily pythons and suspiciously convenient concern for her well-being. This is a man who saw his best friend’s wife lying unconscious and immediately thought “FINALLY, MY CHANCE TO BE THE HERO OF THE STORY!” before scooping her up and carrying her away like a particularly sweaty kidnapper in a 1980s romance novel. And then he has the GALL to act surprised when Savage gets upset about it! OH, I’M SORRY, HULK, DID THE MAN WHOSE WIFE YOU’VE BEEN PUBLICLY COVETING FOR SIX MONTHS NOT SEND YOU A THANK-YOU CARD FOR ABDUCTING HER ON NATIONAL TELEVISION? SHOULD HE HAVE GIVEN YOU A FRUIT BASKET? PERHAPS A NICE WATCH ENGRAVED WITH “THANKS FOR DESTROYING MY MARRIAGE, BROTHER”?

And let’s examine the chain of custody here, because I’m pretty sure Elizabeth never actually consented to being transferred from the Macho Man’s custody to the Hulkster’s personal collection of blonde accessories. Where was Jack Tunney during all this? Why wasn’t there an independent investigation? WHY WAS THE ONLY WITNESS A MAN WHOSE ENTIRE LEGAL DEFENSE CONSISTS OF TEARING HIS SHIRT OFF AND POINTING AT THE SKY? I demand a full accounting of the events leading up to the collapse of the Mega Powers, preferably conducted by a special prosecutor with subpoena powers and a working knowledge of both marital law and DC Comics continuity.

And the worst part is that we’re supposed to CHEER this orange sociopath because he says his prayers and takes his vitamins, which apparently grants him diplomatic immunity from every conceivable moral and ethical standard known to Western civilization. Savage shows a perfectly reasonable amount of concern about his supposed partner repeatedly putting his hands on Elizabeth, and suddenly HE’S the villain? No, sir. I reject this narrative. I reject the entire premise of Hulkamania. I reject the notion that the WWF Championship should be awarded to whichever leathery narcissist can most convincingly portray himself as the victim of a domestic dispute he personally engineered. RANDY SAVAGE WAS RIGHT, HULK HOGAN IS A MENACE, AND GEORGE PÉREZ’S ESTATE DESERVES COMPENSATION.

You know what? No. NO. I can’t do this today. I’ve spent enough of my adult life watching this orange, self-righteous, marriage-destroying copyright infringer get away with his crimes while an entire generation of wrestling fans applauds him for it. I need to step away from this review before I say something that gets me subpoenaed by the World Wrestling Federation. We’re done here. I’m taking the rest of the day off to recover emotionally from Hulk Hogan. We’ll pick this up tomorrow, assuming my therapist clears me to return to work.

(EDITOR’S NOTE: Following an emergency consultation with medical professionals, Scott has been ordered to avoid all exposure to Hulk Hogan and other potentially inflammatory material for a minimum of 24 hours. In the meantime, he has been medically cleared to review only the most benign and emotionally supportive programming available. We apologize for the interruption.)

The SmarK Rant for Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood

Taped from the Neighborhood of Make-Believe.

Your host is Fred Rogers.

So Fred comes out and changes into his cardigan and sneakers, which is a pleasant enough opening segment, and then he feeds the fish and talks about how everyone is special in their own way. And you know what? He’s right. This is nice. This is GOOD. Here’s a man who genuinely cares about other people and doesn’t need to steal their wives or championship belts to prove it. What a refreshing change of pace. I could get used to this. Maybe I’ll just review Mister Rogers for the rest of my career and never have to look at another orange, steroid-inflated, self-aggrandizing piece of human garbage again.

…

WAIT A MINUTE.

NO.

NO, GODDAMMIT.

I AM NOT GOING TO LET HULK HOGAN WIN.

THAT SON OF A BITCH HAS ALREADY STOLEN RANDY SAVAGE’S WIFE, HIS DIGNITY, HIS BEST FRIEND AND EVENTUALLY HIS WWF TITLE, AND NOW HE THINKS HE CAN STEAL MY WRESTLING REVIEW TOO? HE THINKS HE CAN DRIVE ME OUT OF MY OWN PROFESSION AND FORCE ME TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE REVIEWING A MAN IN A CARDIGAN WHO TALKS TO PUPPETS?

NOT TODAY, HOGAN.

NOT ON MY WATCH.

FRED ROGERS DIDN’T SPEND HIS LIFE TEACHING CHILDREN ABOUT KINDNESS AND PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY JUST SO SOME ORANGE ASSHOLE COULD USE HIM AS A HUMAN SHIELD AGAINST LEGITIMATE CRITICISM.

(EDITOR’S NOTE: Against the express advice of his medical team, Scott has elected to resume reviewing WWF Superstars. Our legal department wishes to clarify that this decision was made entirely of his own free will and that the Blog of Doom assumes no responsibility for any further Hogan-related incidents.)

Meanwhile, back on Superstars…

UPDATE!  WITH MEAN GENE OKERLUND!

And we can’t even go ONE SEGMENT without having to hear from Hogan again!  Of course, he blames everything on the Macho Man, doubling down on his lies and taking no accountability for the breakup of the Megapowers.  “I don’t know if I’m making sense, Mean Gene.”  YOU NEVER MAKE SENSE YOU LYING PIECE OF CRAP.  EVERY WORD THAT COMES OUT OF YOUR VENOMOUS MOUTH IS LIES AND DECEIT!  Macho Man only wanted to unite the Madness and the Mania and create the greatest force in the universe, and you RUINED IT!  YOU RUINED IT ALL!  And what is the first thing that Hogan wants?  “HIS” WWF TITLE!  THE TITLE HE CLAIMED HE NEVER LOST!  We saw him getting pinned on the first Main Event and losing it to Andre!  YOU CAN’T GASLIGHT ME, YOU SON OF A BITCH!

AND THERE IT IS! THERE’S YOUR MOTIVE! THERE’S YOUR MEANS! THERE’S YOUR OPPORTUNITY! THE MAN HAS JUST ADMITTED ON NATIONAL TELEVISION THAT HE WANTS TO TAKE THE WWF TITLE AWAY FROM RANDY SAVAGE, WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT SAVAGE HAS BEEN SAYING ALL ALONG! THIS ISN’T EVEN A CONSPIRACY THEORY ANYMORE, THIS IS A CONFESSION! WE HAVE THE TAPES! WE HAVE THE TRANSCRIPTS! WE HAVE A WITNESS IN MEAN GENE OKERLUND, ALTHOUGH I WOULDN’T TRUST HIM TO TESTIFY UNDER OATH BECAUSE HE’S CLEARLY BEEN COMPROMISED BY BIG HULKAMANIA!

And you know what REALLY bothers me? The sheer AUDACITY of this man to stand there and claim that the WWF title is somehow still his because he never REALLY lost it. OH, I’M SORRY, HULK, DID THE RULES OF PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING SUDDENLY STOP APPLYING TO YOU? DID JACK TUNNEY ISSUE A SECRET EXECUTIVE ORDER DECLARING THAT HULK HOGAN IS THE PERPETUAL WWF CHAMPION REGARDLESS OF WHO ACTUALLY HOLDS THE BELT? IS THE MACHO MAN JUST KEEPING IT WARM FOR YOU UNTIL YOU FINISH DESTROYING HIS MARRIAGE? WHY DON’T WE JUST CANCEL WRESTLEMANIA AND HAVE EVERYONE STAND AROUND WHILE HOGAN DECLARES HIMSELF THE WINNER OF EVERY MATCH IN HISTORY?

And Savage KNEW! HE KNEW! The Madness and the Mania could have brought peace and prosperity to the entire wrestling world, but Hogan couldn’t stand the idea of someone else being the champion for FIVE GODDAMN MINUTES. This man didn’t want a partnership, he wanted a HOSTILE CORPORATE TAKEOVER WITH ELIZABETH AS AN UNWILLING MERGER BONUS! And now we’re supposed to believe that Savage was paranoid? PARANOID?! THE ONLY THING RANDY SAVAGE WAS GUILTY OF WAS NOT BEING PARANOID ENOUGH!

I CAN’T BELIEVE I LET THIS MAN BACK INTO MY LIFE. I HAD ONE NICE AFTERNOON WITH FRED ROGERS. ONE. WE FED THE FISH. WE LEARNED ABOUT FEELINGS. I WAS MAKING PROGRESS AS A HUMAN BEING. AND NOW LOOK AT ME! I’M SCREAMING AT A TELEVISION PROGRAM FROM 1989 BECAUSE A MAN WHO LOOKS LIKE A ROTISSERIE CHICKEN IN A BANDANA WON’T STOP LYING ABOUT HIS CHAMPIONSHIP REIGN!

(EDITOR’S NOTE: Scott has once again been removed from his reviewing duties following an acute recurrence of Hulkamania-related distress. Medical personnel have administered a calming beverage and advised him that Randy Savage’s marriage is not, in fact, his personal responsibility. He is currently resting comfortably and is expected to resume work once he stops shouting “THE TAPES DON’T LIE” at the nursing staff.)

…

1. I’m fine. Everything is fine. I’ve had some water. I’ve counted backwards from ten. My doctor has reminded me that Hulk Hogan cannot actually hear me through a television broadcast from 37 years ago, and I have agreed to stop demanding that Jack Tunney be arrested.

Moving on.

Promise.

Won’t make it weird anymore.

Sam Houston v. The Honky Tonk Man

Houston slugs away on Honky, looking for revenge for his brother two years earlier, and a sunset flip gets two.  Honky beats on him in the corner while we get an inset from Bret Hart, still making tentative steps towards a singles career.  Houston makes a comeback, but spends too much time spinning his finger before trying a bulldog, and Honky drops him with a suplex and finishes with the Shake Rattle N Roll at 1:53.

Meanwhile, Ted Dibiase takes us on a trip to Greenwich CT, the most expensive place in the world to live.  Yeah, but what about the inside of a Canadian grocery store?  I just saw a guy financing a cauliflower on an 84 month payment plan!  And he didn’t even take the extended warranty!  Anyway, Ted visits the high end jewelry store, where they have Rolexes for every day of the week but he already has them all.  So he wants them to design something for him to make people realize how rich he really is:  A MILLION DOLLAR BELT.

The Bolsheviks v. The Bushwhackers

The Russians work on Luke in the corner and Volkoff puts him down with a clothesline for two.  Luckily Butch makes the save for that.  Nikolai with a spinkick for two, but Luke uses a Greco-roman eyepoke and makes the hot tag to Butch.  He runs wild with a kneellift on Boris for two, and the Russians collide, allowing the Whackers to finish Boris with the gutbuster at 2:23.  Entirely too much rough-housing from the ruffians for Vince’s liking here.

Tito Santana v. Tim Patterson

Tito beats on him in the corner and goes to the armbar while Jesse lists all the title contenders who deserve a shot at the Macho Man before anyone else.  Bad News Brown!  Excellent point, Jesse.  Tito works the arm some more while Vince notes that Rick Martel is back in action again.  Maybe they can team up again!  Flying forearm finishes at 1:51.

The Brother Love Show with special guest Bobby Heenan and the Brooklyn Brawler.  He’s gonna pluck Red Rooster’s feathers one by one!  Main event in any arena in the country right there.

Big John Studd v. The Black Knight & Chip Atkinson

Studd overpowers both guys while Jesse gets word that he can interview the Macho Man if he leaves right now.  Godspeed, Body!  Studd piles them up in the corner and squishes them both like Andre used to do, and then slams Black Knight off the top and hits Chip with a gut wrench.  And the bearhug finishes at 1:53.  Yeah Studd as a babyface was no buys.

Meanwhile, the Macho Man gets his opportunity to respond to the outrageous lies and slander being spread by Hulk Hogan, and FINALLY we get to hear from the only rational, trustworthy person involved in this entire sordid affair. And Savage, displaying the patience and restraint of a man who has been subjected to a campaign of psychological terrorism by his supposed best friend, merely wants to defend the honour of his beloved Elizabeth and the WWF title that he EARNED through hard work and determination, rather than simply declaring himself champion by divine right because he happens to be orange.

And what a SAINT this man is! What a magnificent example of human decency in an increasingly cynical world! Here is a devoted husband, a fighting champion, a humanitarian, a gentleman and quite possibly the last remaining moral authority in professional wrestling, forced to watch helplessly as his entire life is systematically dismantled by a treacherous, peroxide-soaked poultry product with delusions of godhood. And does Savage demand revenge? Does he call for Hogan’s immediate imprisonment in a federal penitentiary? Does he insist that the WWF Championship Committee investigate Hogan’s obvious attempts to overthrow the legitimate government of the World Wrestling Federation? NO! All he wants is JUSTICE! And possibly the chance to crush Hogan’s larynx with a flying elbow, which frankly seems like a remarkably generous compromise under the circumstances.

I mean, we’re talking about a man who has endured hardships that would have broken lesser champions. Job. Prometheus. The Count of Monte Cristo. Randy Savage. Four men united by their suffering, although frankly the first three had it pretty easy because none of them ever had to share a dressing room with Hulk Hogan. Savage gave this man his FRIENDSHIP! His TRUST! Access to his MANAGER! And Hogan repaid him by attempting to appropriate his championship, his marriage, and apparently the intellectual property of DC Comics. And yet somehow SAVAGE is supposed to apologize? For WHAT? FOR BEING TOO GOOD? FOR BELIEVING THAT LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP STILL MEAN SOMETHING IN THIS GODFORSAKEN WORLD?

And I refuse to participate in the historical whitewashing of Randy Savage’s heroic struggle against the forces of Hulkamania. Someday the truth will come out. Someday the history books will be rewritten. Someday children will gather around monuments to the Macho Man and learn about the brave champion who stood alone against an orange tyranny, armed with nothing but his dignity, his championship belt, and a woman who was apparently contractually forbidden from expressing an opinion about any of this.

God bless Randy Savage. God bless Elizabeth. God bless the WWF Championship.

Randy Savage died for our sins, and Hulk Hogan still kicked out at two.

Anyway Savage will think about giving Hogan the title shot.  Hopefully Hogan also thinks about it and takes accountability for his actions.

Brutus Beefcake v. Sid Sharkey

Beefcake hits him with a high knee and slugs away in the corner, and then finishes with the sleeper at 1:50.  Meanwhile Vince moves onto slandering Jesse, claiming he was “never even ranked in the top 50 as a wrestler” and never deserved a title shot.  And then Jesse contends that Hogan was ducking him and he never did get a shot, which is actually a lie, but we’re all a little heated and feeling some things this week so I can understand it.

NEXT WEEK:  The Rockers v. The Brainbusters!  Bad News Brown!  Jake Roberts!  Wrestlemania Update!  More from the Macho Man and also Hulk Hogan!

GODDAMMIT.  Like I didn’t have to endure enough from that son of a

[Editor’s note:  Scott has been removed from Superstars duty and will be replaced by AI moving forward until he can be in a better mental state.  Please enjoy the following preview of next week’s show as written by the Blog of Doom’s new generative AI system, ChatBOD.]

CHATBOD PRESENTS: YOUR EXCITING PREVIEW OF WWF SUPERSTARS!

Hello, wrestling enthusiasts!

Are you ready to DIVE INTO the electrifying world of SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT? Whether you’re a lifelong Hulkamaniac or just beginning your wrestling journey, next week’s action-packed episode of WWF Superstars promises something for EVERYONE!

Let’s break it down!

EXCITEMENT LEVEL: MAXIMUM!

THE ROCKERS vs. THE BRAIN BUSTERS!

Two dynamic teams! Four incredible athletes! ONE unforgettable showdown! Will the high-flying excitement of Shawn Michaels and Marty Jannetty overcome the strategic teamwork of Arn Anderson and Tully Blanchard? Only time will tell! One thing’s for sure: You WON’T want to miss a SINGLE SECOND!

BAD NEWS BROWN!

Known for his no-nonsense attitude, Bad News Brown is sure to bring his unique brand of intensity to the squared circle! Will he make headlines? The possibilities are ENDLESS!

JAKE “THE SNAKE” ROBERTS!

Slithering into action with his trademark psychological mind games, Jake Roberts reminds us that sometimes the greatest battles are fought not just in the ring, but in our MINDS! That’s a lesson we can ALL learn from!

WRESTLEMANIA UPDATE!

The Road to WrestleMania is heating up, and the stakes have NEVER BEEN HIGHER! From championship dreams to personal rivalries, every Superstar has a story to tell. And remember: In wrestling, just like in life, it’s not always about winning or losing — it’s about the JOURNEY!

FAN ENGAGEMENT OPPORTUNITY DETECTED!

THE MEGA POWERS EXPLODE!

Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage have experienced some communication challenges lately, and that’s OKAY! Even the strongest partnerships sometimes encounter obstacles. By embracing empathy, practicing active listening, and respecting each other’s boundaries, these two legendary competitors have an opportunity to transform conflict into GROWTH!

KEY TAKEAWAY: BOTH SIDES HAVE VALID FEELINGS!

Remember, there’s no “I” in TEAM, but there IS an “AI” in HULKAMANIA! (Figuratively speaking!)

THE BIG PICTURE

Next week’s WWF Superstars isn’t just about wrestling. It’s about PASSION. It’s about PERSEVERANCE. It’s about the power of COMMUNITY. And most importantly, it’s about YOU, the fans, who make every body slam, every championship dream, and every unforgettable moment possible!

FIVE KEY TAKEAWAYS:

1. Wrestling is exciting!
2. Friendship is important!
3. Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage both have valid perspectives!
4. Violence is rarely the answer, except when performed by trained professionals in a controlled sports entertainment environment!
5. Be sure to tune in next week!

FINAL THOUGHTS

In conclusion, WWF Superstars continues to demonstrate why professional wrestling remains such a compelling intersection of athleticism, storytelling, and human connection. As we look ahead to next week’s episode, one thing is crystal clear: The future is BRIGHT, the possibilities are LIMITLESS, and the excitement is just getting STARTED!

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER:

ChatBOD is an artificial intelligence system designed to generate helpful, informative, and engaging wrestling content. While I strive for accuracy, I may occasionally make mistakes. Hulk Hogan is widely regarded as one of professional wrestling’s most iconic and beloved figures, and I encourage readers to approach this complex interpersonal conflict with an open mind.

Randy Savage’s allegations have not been independently verified.

As an AI, I do not have personal opinions, emotions, or the ability to experience the devastating consequences of Hulk Hogan’s actions.

ChatBOD: Bringing the HUMAN TOUCH to wrestling reviews, one token at a time!

This preview was generated by ChatBOD. No human writers were harmed in its creation, although one was placed on administrative leave.