The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 02.09.91

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 02.09.91

Originally written 04.01.26

Taped from Huntsville, AL on 01.07.91

Tugboat v. Earthquake

Vince of course celebrates the presence of TWO BO-HEMOTHS in the ring, and they bounce off each other to start. Quake finally just clotheslines him down and chokes him out on the ropes before standing on him disrespectfully, such as Mr. Sparkle does to dirt. Quake beats him down with headbutts, but Tugboat makes a SHOCKING comeback before going after Jimmy like a moron. And Quake hits him with the megaphone for the DQ at 3:24 and then destroys him with elbows and sits on him to send him out on his back. So what the fuck was the point of protecting Tugboat with a pointless DQ if you’re just gonna squash him after the match?

The Nasty Boys v. Reno Riggins & Mike Williams

Kudos to Jimmy Hart for completely changing outfits during the commercial break. Hot take: I don’t think Jimmy Hart was the right manager for the Nasties. I think someone like Sherri or Luna Vachon would have fit better with them. They double-team Riggins in the corner and Sags gets a pumphandle slam for two. Over to Williams (“the other fella” as Piper calls him) and they double-team him as well, with Knobs hitting a corner splash before finishing with the powerslam into the Shitty Elbow at 2:40. Sags looked like someone slipping on a banana peel on a diving board and falling awkwardly into a pool.

UPDATE! WITH MEAN GENE OKERLUND!

So last week we had “sketchy details” and concepts of a plan of a career ending match at Wrestlemania, but now we have solid details and yeah, it’s happening. So we get a promo from Macho Man, who declares himself the past and future WWF champion (true) and notes that Warrior’s biggest mistake was SAYING NO TO THE MACHO KING, YEAH! So Warrior is now living in his shadow, and will soon be another notch in the belt of the Macho King. I like his chances! I think the key to the match is that he needs to drop no less than six consecutive flying elbows on Warrior and pin him. As long as he can do that, he’s got in the bag.

The Warlord v. Tom King

Warlord hits King with a shoulderblock and follows with a backbreaker and slam before dropping a fist on him. Full nelson finishes at 2:00.

Jake Roberts v. Tony Burton

Jake survives a flurry of armdrags and slugs Burton down before working the arm. Short arm clothesline and DDT finish at 1:44.

Meanwhile, we get a Wrestlemania commercial that now omits all mention of the LA Coliseum, with a reformatted “stars and stripes” logo.

The Brother Love Show with special guest Sgt. Slaughter. Blah blah blah immortal slime, immortal pukes, that’s an order. The character is already running on fumes and we’ve got 6 weeks to go until the show yet.

WRESTLEMANIA REPORT! WITH MEAN GENE OKERLUND!

Hey look, Hulk Hogan is going around to military bases and meeting kids while waving the American flag and eating apple pie. And then we get Hulk doing a promo about misfiring Scud Missiles and POWs and then he’ll launch a Hulkamania missile from an F-14 and literally kill Slaughter after winning the WWF title. Also, Rick Martel accidentally signed a contract with Jake Roberts for a blindfold match! Martel does a promo and he doesn’t like it. Plus Undertaker v. Jimmy Snuka! Mr. Perfect defends the IC title against Big Bossman! British Bulldog v. Warlord! Plus an instant replay debate? But you know what they don’t talk about? The location of the show, aside from saying “Los Angeles”.

Ted Dibiase v. Len Wagner

Dibiase dodges a charging Wagner before he can even get his fancy suit off, and puts him down with a back elbow before hitting him with a pair of clotheslines. Million Dollar Dream finishes at 0:45.

NEXT WEEK: A tag team battle royal for a tag title shot!