The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 02.03.96

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 02.03.96

Taped from San Jose, CA on January 23.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Jim Ross & Mr. Perfect

The Godwinns v. James Samudo & Ed Moretti

This is the historic debut of Phineas I. Godwinn, as Vince makes sure to repeatedly explain the joke so that we all know it’s “HOG” and “PIG” in case anyone possibly missed the joke the first 20 times. Also, your notable jobber of the week here is Ed “Moondog” Moretti, the grandfather of Nick Wayne. Anyone else feel incredibly old yet? Just me? PIG finishes with a Slop Drop in 1:00 and everyone dances.

Meanwhile, Clarence Mason claims that Vader is innocent by means of self-defense, because Gorilla attacked him first, and really he’s got a point. But regardless, Roddy Piper is the new President of the WWF.

Avatar v. Isaac Yankem DDS

This might be the most 1996 match possible. Also you have to love the continued hammering of the Billionaire Ted joke when THIS is the kind of crap they were presenting as “the New Generation”. Avatar was still wearing his mask at this point and he attacks with kicks, but Yankem hits him with a press slam while JR shills their new “WWF Fan Fax line”. What the fuck is a “fax”? Yankem slugs away in the corner and beats Avatar down before taking his head off with a clothesline. I SAID HE TOOK HIS HEAD OFF…never mind. DDT finishes at 2:20. Well at least this has gotta be the low point for Al Snow and it’s only up from there in 1996!

SLAM JAM! WITH DOK HENDRIX!

Bret Hart is sporting an impressive shiner and calls Diesel a BIG DUMMY while claiming to have never lost a cage match. Except for all the cage matches he lost to Yokozuna in 1993 all over the country. I’ve got receipts.

Marty Jannetty v. Greg Davis

Maybe they should put that Avatar guy with Marty, at least it couldn’t be any worse than losing to a dentist. Marty takes Davis down with headlocks to start.

BREAKING NEWS: Marty Jannetty has been fired for failing a drug test.

Jannetty with a monkey flip for two.

BREAKING NEWS: Marty Jannetty has been rehired after promising to never do cocaine again.

Davis charges and runs into Marty’s elbow in the corner, and Marty gets a suplex.

BREAKING NEWS: Marty has been fired again after the test was clarified to be for steroids.

Davis dodges a blind charge and then makes the mistake of pointing to his head to indicate intelligence, and Jannetty finishes with the Rocker Dropper at 3:07.

BREAKING NEWS: Marty Jannetty was accidentally rehired after he claimed to have an offer from Eric Bischoff and Vince signed him to a new deal just to be on the safe side. It later turned out that the “offer” was his phone bill.

Hakushi v. Buddy Wayne

Holy cow, it’s ANOTHER Nick Wayne connection with his dad this time. Also what the hell was Hakushi doing still hanging around? He slugs Buddy down and Buddy comes back with a dropkick while we get an inset backstage, as Jeff Jarrett is apparently engaging in CHICANERY with 1-2-3 Kid. Hakushi with a leg lariat and springboard shoulderblock on Buddy, and then a missile dropkick finishes at 2:05. He beat on Buddy so hard that Nick is probably still selling it today.

Meanwhile, we take a look back at 1995 for Bret Hart and Diesel, leading up to their cage match, where Diesel gets a title shot despite losing basically all his matches since November. Also Undertaker is involved somehow. But, you know, Vince was losing because Ted Turner was a big meanie out to get him.

Meanwhile, Mankind wants us to have a nice day. DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO, YOU ONE-EARED FREAK!

Jeff Jarrett v. Razor Ramon

Razor quickly goes for the Edge, but JJ escapes and they brawl to the floor. Back in the ring, Razor slugs him down, but Jarrett gets the choke on the ropes to take over. Jarrett with a slingshot suplex for two. They trade cradles for two and JJ gets a dropkick for two. Meanwhile Mr. Perfect mocks country music on commentary in a darkly ironic bit of dad humor. Country music won’t be so funny to him by 1998 when he’s ascending the country charts with a little song called RAP IS CRAP! Jarrett with a sleeper and he gets two by using the ropes and then clotheslines Razor for two. Suplex for a double down and the Kid joins us at ringside with a baby stroller as we take a break. Back with Razor clotheslining Jarrett to the floor and then beating up the Kid for good measure. Back in the ring for the backdrop suplex on Jarrett. But then JJ sends Razor to the floor and runs him into the post, and Kid attacks for the DQ at 6:13. *1/2 And then Ahmed Johnson quickly makes the save from Kid’s deadly stroller attack, and JJ runs away in terror and keeps on going all the way to Atlanta. That’s spelled G, double O, d, b, y, e.

SLAM JAM! WITH DOK HENDRIX!

BREAKING NEWS: Duke Droese v. Hunter Hearst Helmsley has been added to In Your House, and Duke declares that Hunter is no longer the Hunter, he’s the HUNTED. OH SNAP!

Billionaire Ted’s Rasslin’ Warroom features a press conference with Ted and his crew, despite legal action from the real Ted Turner. For those keeping track, this is where these things fell off a cliff, with “reporters” basically asking a series of questions accusing “Ted” of trying to put the WWF out of business by (gasp) airing WCW Nitro at the same time as RAW! Almost like when Vince McMahon repeatedly scheduled his own shows to screw with Jim Crockett’s PPV schedule and drove HIM out of business, which is why Ted bought WCW in the first place. It’s the circle of life. Of course, the very petty part of me takes some small of pleasure knowing that Ted Turner got the best revenge possible on Vince about 3 months after this. Also, they finish with a bit where Huckster and Nacho Man announce a match for Wrestlemania and Huckster quips that “He has to win because Billionaire Ted put it in his contract that he never loses”. See, THAT was the direction they should have stuck with, mocking the on-screen direction of Nitro and the ridiculous finishes, not taking inside baseball cheapshots at Turner that 0.000002 of the audience would even get. But, sadly, things would only continue to plummet downwards from here and get more and more mean-spirited and obtuse at the same time.

And on that note, next week sees The Ringmaster against Fatu!