The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 02.02.91
By Scott Keith on 28 March 2026
The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 02.02.91
Originally written 03.27.26
Taped from Huntsville, AL on 01.07.91
Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Rowdy Roddy Piper, celebrating the Patriot missile system this week.
Meanwhile, Texas Tornado works out like a madman while Mr. Perfect chills and makes Bobby polish his belt.
Big Bossman v. Jeff Sword
Pretty sure Sword was doing jobs on WCW Worldwide at the same time. He’s bi-promotional! Bossman slugs him down and tosses him, and back in for the big boot as Piper calls him “Jeff Suh-ward”. I didn’t realize it was a hard name to pronounce. Bossman chokes him out on the ropes and finishes with the Bossman slam at 1:24. Meanwhile, Vince points out that Bossman has run through the entire Heenan family and there’s only one person left to be dealt with.
Meanwhile, on The Main Event, the “honorable” Jack Tunney announces the main event of Wrestlemania VII, and it’s HULK HOGAN challenging Sgt. Slaughter in Los Angeles. Which immediately causes them to switch from the LA Coliseum to the LA Sports Arena.
Meanwhile, also on the Main Event, Slaughter does a goofy promo on Hogan and the “infidels” that support Hogan and how he’ll only accept unconditional surrender. Slaughter trying to be a badass in these promos was NO BUYS. Literally in this case.
Demolition v. Pez Whatley & Mike Wallace
Ugh, we’re back to Fuji as manager and the dirge music as entrance theme. Pistol Pez actually jumps on Crush with a sleeper and gets nowhere with that, but Crush reverses him into a backbreaker. Over to Mike Wallace, who I imagine was an expert at 60 Minutes matches, but Demolition finishes him at 2:00 with the Demolition elbow.
Reminder: Wrestlemania is coming to LA Coliseum and there’s gonna be 100,000 people and it’ll be the biggest one ever! Unless there’s a fake bomb threat and they have to cancel the show, but how likely is that?
The Undertaker v. William Ford
So I thought Brother Love was done after the last taping, but indeed Love is still in the air here. Taker immediately slams him and drops an elbow while we get an inset promo from Love and Taker, aiming their threats at Tugboat. Was that supposed to be a Wrestlemania match? Living personification of death against living personification of sailing craft is indeed a hell of a matchup and metaphor for….something. I dunno where I’m going with it and I just kind of need an exit now. Ropewalk and tombstone finish at 1:30.
Meanwhile, on that mysterious Main Event show on some other channel, Sgt. Slaughter gets DQ’d against Jim Duggan and beats on him with a chair and then whips him like the proverbial dog until Hulk Hogan saves. But then Adnan gets a cheapshot from behind and Sarge beats Hulk down as well. Wow, how could they not sell 100,000 tickets with this kind of hot angle?
Meanwhile, on the Main Event, Hulk does a promo about OIL and SCUD MISSILES and PATRIOT MISSILES and he pledges before ALMIGHTY GOD that he will be the next WWF champion. Does God have the pencil now? And then he gets all the people to pledge allegiance to the flag with him. Still weird and creepy, America. Probably partially why you’re where you’re at today. Besides the lame Slaughter title reign, this was a major reason why this Wrestlemania had no international appeal.
Shane Douglas v. Dale Wolfe
Shane, recovering Dynamic Dude, puts Wolfe down with a dropkick and works the arm as we get an inset from Shane promising that he’s HERE TO STAY. Spoiler: He was gone for months with an injury by the time this episode aired. He returned a few months later, did some jobs at house shows, and then never came back. I SAID HE NEVER CAME BACK DAMMIT. Shane finishes with a cross body in 1:00.
Meanwhile, at the Royal Rumble, Virgil nearly costs his team a match against the Rhodesessesesesesesees but they win anyway, and then he finally turns on Dibiase and earns his unlimited Italian wedding soup and breadsticks in the Olive Garden of life. Sadly we never learned what the threat from Dibiase about “Virgil’s family” was.
Intercontinental title: Mr. Perfect v. Texas Tornado
Man this was a feud way past its shelf life, but the finish here is pretty obvious given the squash match earlier in the show and the direction for Wrestlemania. Kerry quickly knocks out Perfect with the punches and adds a tornado punch to the gut and chokes him out on the ropes while we get a voiceover from the Fink about an MSG show on March 15 that just sounds atrocious. I should probably review it just to make sure. Perfect pulls a turnbuckle off and exposes the deadly steel, but Tornado dramatically rams Perfect into his own turnbuckle trap and Perfect bounces off it like a superball. And Bobby Heenan tries to run away, but Big Bossman hauls him back to the ring while Kerry puts the Iron Claw on Perfect. But Perfect escapes that and heads out to dropkick Bossman into the stairs and teach him about FAFO, only for Kerry to run him into the post and win by countout at 3:44. There was a lot going on here, but most of it was Perfect taking crazy bumps off simple stuff. *
BREAKING NEWS: Mean Gene has UNCONFIRMED REPORTS that Ultimate Warrior and Randy Savage have challenge each other, perhaps simultaneously through the use of some kind of time space portal technology, to a CAREER ENDING MATCH at Wrestlemania. Well that sounds serious, the kind of thing that would easily sell 100,000 tickets, so there should be little need to move the show to a small venue.
NEXT WEEK: Earthquake v. Tugboat! Tugboat warns Jimmy Hart about the perils of climbing on his deck and rocking the boat too much, but uh, it sounded kinda like he said something other than “deck” and I’m just gonna leave it there for this week and go think about something else.