The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 01.26.91

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 01.26.91

Originally written 03.19.26

Taped from Huntsville, AL on 01.07.91

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Rowdy Roddy Piper

So we’re after the Royal Rumble, but Warrior is still in the intro with lasers shooting out of his eyes and shit. Honestly with all the drugs he was taking, that was the least of his concerns.

BREAKING NEWS: Sgt. Slaughter is the new WWF champion, and Piper is disgusted with Sarge and Savage both. So we go back to the Rumble, with the sequence of events that led to Savage interfering in the title match and costing Warrior the belt, including Sherri putting the moves on him in exchange for a title shot. Sherri playing a sexpot basically offering to blow him on live PPV while Warrior stands there like a neurodivergent emotionless robot and then basically orgasms while yelling NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO is much more interesting today. Get this man some therapy! Also, dude, COME ON. I’m pretty sure even 17 year old me was feeling some kind of way there.

Next up, we get a pretty good chunk of the title match, and then Macho’s attack on the floor, and finally Warrior’s comeback leading up to Sherri and Savage interfering a second time and costing him the title. And hey, Savage ended up winning the title again and Warrior never did, so who’s the smart one? Anyway this was a gigantic chunk that basically gave away the entire match and finish. Also they have the post-match interview with an unhinged Savage, who declares LET HIM CRY and decides he’s going after Slaughter now instead. There’s a decent alternate history where Slaughter betrays Macho Man and Savage goes all American babyface and headlines WM instead of Hogan, actually.

The Mountie v. Reno Riggins

Vince explains that this is actually a returning Jacques Rougeau, who broke up the Rougeaus and then decided to become a cop so he could have more control. Who knew there was some lore behind the character? Mountie puts the boots to Reno and rams him into the turnbuckles before going up with a fistdrop. He puts Reno in pumphandle position and dumps him to the floor, and then back in for a chokeslam to finish at 2:00. Also Vince announces that “this Friday night” there will be a Slaughter v. Duggan match somewhere on TV but we can’t say where. That of course would be The Main Event #5, a show that even I forget happened. I don’t even know if it aired in Canada, tell you the truth. And then Mountie handcuffs Reno and debuts the cattle prod gimmick.

WRESTLEMANIA VII is coming to Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum, with 100,000 people in attendance!

The Legion of Doom v. Doug Vines & Cleo Reed

The LOD toss the geeks around, hit Reed with the corner clothesline, and finish with the Doomsday Device at 2:00. They’re also working this mysterious Friday night show, against the Orient Express.

Meanwhile, various people wish luck to the people fighting in Saudi Arabia right now. Man, no one would ever go to Saudi Arabia unless they were forced by war. Or maybe paid billions of dollars in blood money. Either one.

Meanwhile, at the Royal Rumble, Hogan wins his second in a row, and then does an interview with Mean Gene where he dedicates his win to the soldiers in the Persian Gulf.

The British Bulldog v. Joe Turner

Vince is suddenly very much in favor of instant replay, much like football and hockey. They should replace referees with the robo-umps making plate calls in baseball at the moment while they’re at it. Couldn’t do any worse of a job. Bulldog with a delayed suplex and we get an inset from the Warlord, who cackles about his FULL NELSON with a weird cadence. Davey finishes off Turner with the powerslam at 2:20.

Did we mention that WRESTLEMANIA VII is coming to the Los Angeles Coliseum and there’s gonna be 100,000 people there? In reality they had already decided that it was as lost cause by this point and were readying the move to the LA Sports Arena.

Rick Martel v. Allan Reynolds

Vince and Roddy debate the names who might be named the #1 contender on that mysterious show this Friday, with cases for Randy Savage, Ultimate Warrior or even Hulk Hogan! Well you know what 2026’s main event would look like. Martel hauls Turner to the floor and goes to work on the leg. Boston Crab finishes at 1:41.

THIS FRIDAY NIGHT: Slaughter defends against Jim Duggan in an awful match for the WWF title!

Next week: Mr. Perfect defends the IC title against Texas Tornado!

And so begins the pathetic reign of Sgt. Slaughter in the most obviously transitional championship run maybe in the history of the company. Outside of, like Iron Sheik or something.