The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 01.25.92

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 01.25.92

Hey, I’m back from Vegas and I’m WIPED OUT after flying all day. Thankfully Superstars is pretty low effort. My plan was originally going to be finally doing the May 2002 episodes of RAW that I missed the LAST time I went down to Vegas, but apparently they’re not actually available anywhere I can watch at the moment so I can go screw myself I guess. No I’m kidding, I’ve been on the internet for a while, I know where to find stuff. Anyway I’m still on vacation for another week or so, and we’ll have lots of time to catch up with that once it’s been legally acquired and added to my gigantic collection of Google Drive links that I don’t have time to watch.

Anyway it’s the show after the ROYAL RUMBLE.

Taped from Daytona Beach, FL, although it’s taped 01.07.92, so still weeks before the Royal Rumble even happened. Their taping schedule was so weird at this point.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Mr. Perfect, who is of course VERY HAPPY and although he’s not the kind of guy to say “I told you so”, he did indeed tell us so.

The New Foundation v. Bob & Brad Avery

Neidhart tosses one of the Avery brothers around while we get an inset promo from the Beverly Brothers, setting up a Coliseum Video dark match main event if there ever was one. Owen with a missile dropkick and Anvil slams him to set up a Rocket Launcher to finish at 2:45.

ROYAL RUMBLE UPDATE! WITH MEAN GENE!

Ric Flair is the new WWF Champion! And Roddy Piper is the new Intercontinental champion! So you know, all kinds of stuff happened. So we hear from Flair and Perfect. One thing that always bugged me was that Flair never wore his suits in the WWF and was always doing promos in his robe instead, which kind of took him down a notch for me. He was like a cartoon character instead of a champion.

Rick Martel v. Mickey Jay

Yup, the future referee working as an enhancement guy here. Jay works a headlock as Vince discusses the possibility of Hulk Hogan being named as the #1 contender at Wrestlemania. Maybe it’ll be Izzy Martinez instead, that’ll change the business! Martel puts Jay down with a dropkick and stops to pose, as he does, while Vince calls the jobber “Mike Jay”. No wonder he retired and became a referee. Not like his career could get any lower anyway. Martel with a backbreaker and he finishes with the Boston crab at 2:38.

EVENT CENTER! WITH SEAN MOONEY!

Sean would of course like to remind us that there’s only a week left to enroll in the WBF fitness seminar because it can CHANGE OUR LIVES FOREVER. Let’s not oversell it too much here. Anyway we’re talking about the MSG show still and we get a promo from Jake Roberts, and sadly he does not quote an obscure rock lyric for me to guess this time. Also he disappointed us by cancelling his appearance this weekend at the Saskatoon Pop Con Expo, but DEMOLITION is taking his place there and I would actually drop $80 on a photo op with them so that’s an upgrade for me.

Bret Hart v. Jack Owens

Owens looks very much like Jack Victory but it’s a different guy as far as I know. Bret hammers him with forearms while Vince hammers us with the “Hitman had a 104 degree fever” story, and the Sharpshooter finishes at 2:28.

EVENT CENTER! WITH SEAN MOONEY!

This time we’re talking about the Nassau Coliseum house show on Valentine’s Day, with Ric Flair doing a promo about Roddy Piper, in advance of defending his newly won WWF title against him.

Ted Dibiase v. DD Russell

“What do you think DD stands for?” wonders Vince. Perfect: “Um, looking at this guy’s body, I’d hate to comment on that one.” Dibiase stomps him down and drops elbows on him, before hitting the powerslam and finishing with the Million Dollar Dream at 1:47. Well Dibiase was certainly about to undergo a huge repackage, but again this was taped weeks before anyway. But speaking of which, Cagematch doesn’t actually list the 2/7/92 title change in the career history of either Ted Dibase or IRS, which I find confusing. Like, we know that the match happened, right? Animal apparently claimed in his book that the match never occurred and Hawk wasn’t even in the building, but I was subscribed to PWI Weekly at the time and they literally had the results of the Denver show in that week’s issue, with the LOD switching places with Tito Santana & Big Bossman on the card and everything.

UPDATE! WITH MEAN GENE!

So we need a #1 contender for Wrestlemania, and since four-way matches hadn’t been invented yet, we need to actually hear from the top contenders so Jack Tunney can make an informed decision based on whoever bribes him the most. Your suspects: Hulk Hogan, Undertaker, Randy Savage, Sid Justice and Roddy Piper. Undertaker has the most questionable pitch, threatening to eliminate all the other contenders and then personally come to kill Tunney. Piper is pretty funny, promising that he didn’t actually MEAN to insult Tunney last time he talked to him, and it was just a miscommunication when he said “Is that so, Tunney?” and Jack may have heard “That fatso Tunney”. Sid of course pulls out “Do unto the man as you would have the man do unto you…but do it first.” Where did he steal that one from, anyway? I mean besides the bible.

Repo Man v. Kevin Katlin

Repo tosses Katlin and throws him back in for some choking on the ropes and then finishes with the kneebar at 1:49. Actually he could probably get some work in this weekend, especially if he hits North Battleford, which is full of deadbeat scum.

Meanwhile, CHRIS CHAVIS, the full blooded Native American, pontificates around the fire and he’s gonna fly like an eagle, although not in the Steve Miller Band sense.

Sid Justice v. Mike Casey

Sid hits us with another one-liner on the way to the ring: He who laughs last, laughs the loudest. Well that doesn’t really make logical sense but I’m not gonna correct him. Chokeslam and a big boot send the geek flying to the floor, and he slams him back into the ring and finishes with the helicopter slam and powerbomb at 2:00. Man that powerbomb was scary.

Meanwhile, Texas Tornado tells us all about health and fitness via the WBF Expo thing, because who was healthier than Kerry Von Erich in 1992?

Speaking of which, this episode is partly sponsored by HULK HOGAN VITAMINS.

NEXT WEEK: Chris Chavis debuts, and we learn the main event of Wrestlemania!