The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 01.21.89

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 01.21.89

WHAT THE WOOOOOOOOOOOORLD IS WATCHING

Taped from Huntsville, AL, on 01.03.89

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Jesse Ventura, who is hunting for sharks, apparently.

Hacksaw Jim Duggan v. Rusty Riddle

Rusty in his pink wetsuit is barking up the wrong tree in Alabama. Man, I remember going into a bar in my younger days and ordering a Rusty Riddle! The bartender was always “What the fuck are you talking about, I’ve never heard of that, get out.” Good times. Riddle attacks and gets chased to the floor while Dino Bravo, for some reason covered in baby oil despite not being in the match, comes down and provides distraction. But he’s the WORST, so Duggan isn’t even distracted and drops the big knee on Riddle, and finishes with the three point stance at 2:47. Dino Bravo continues to exist, unfortunately.

UPDATE! WITH MEAN GENE OKERLUND!

We take you back to SNME again, as Bobby Heenan and the Red Rooster end their business relationship in a painful way for Bobby. So then on Prime Time, Bobby offers an apology, but it’s just a setup for the BROOKLYN BRAWLER to debut and attack. Much like the Yankees, he’s a huge loser who sucks.

The Bushwhackers v. Jerry Price & Tom Stone

Butch whips Stone into the corner while Jesse clarifies that “Luke is the one with no teeth”. Vince: “But if they’re not smiling how do you tell them apart?” Over to Price and Butch hits him with a clothesline and brings in Luke, who hits his own clothesline and drops a forearm. They send Price to the apron and slingshot him back in, and then hit him with the battering ram and gutbuster to finish at 3:00. I always forget at this time that the Whackers were new from the NWA and the announcers didn’t really know their moves yet, because they become so ubiquitous later on.

Ravishing Rick Rude v. Josh Stroud

Vince: “I really don’t know what the women see in him.” Jesse: “YOU DON’T?” This week, it’s the HUNTSVILLE HEFFERS who are instructed to keep the noise down. Isn’t that the local baseball team? We get an inset promo from Ultimate Warrior, who does a nonsensical promo about the Super Posedown while Rude hits a pair of nice dropkicks on Stroud. Snap suplex gets one and Rude stops to do some posing and then finishes with the Rude Awakening at 1:11.

Meanwhile, Big John Studd is very excited about winning the Royal Rumble!

The Powers of Pain v. Reno Riggins & Johnny Zeiglar

Poor Zeiglar has a big “Z” on his ass, likely a victim of a Zorro attack for doing misdeeds in Mexico, like robbing an orphanage. He gets beat up for a bit in the corner and then it’s over to Riggins, as the POP finishes with the Road Warrior bearhug-clothesline at 2:10. Man they’re even ripping off the Roadies’ old finishers.

Rick Martel v. Barry Horowitz

This is Martel’s return after the crippling injury suffered at the hands of Demolition. We get an inset promo from Tito Santana, who is happy that Martel is wrestling singles but he’d love to reform Strike Force sometime. Well we know he still has the trunks! Martel controls the arm and gets a leapfrog out of the corner and back to the armdrags. Jesse notes that, yes, he was never tag team champion, but that’s because people were ducking him and he never got a title shot. Also he complains that Hogan never gave him a title shot, but I don’t think that’s true. In fact, it’s a complete fabrication, as Jesse fought Hulk Hogan for the WWF title something like 15 times between 84 and 85 and even won a few of the matches by DQ. Also Vince’s claim about Jesse never being tag team champion is nonsense given all the title reigns he had in the AWA, but obviously we weren’t bringing that up in 1989. Martel finishes with the Boston Crab at 2:34. I mean, I know heel Martel was what they wanted, but DAMN babyface Martel was great and would have slotted in fine in the midcard role.

The Brother Love Show with special guest Brother Andre the Giant. Brother Love clarifies that Andre is NOT afraid of snakes, and Bobby has hired the world’s best hypnotist to reinforce that. But then Brother Love has a bag with a giant snake supposedly inside it in order to verify that claim, but Andre freaks out while Bobby has words with Brother Love. So suddenly Love declares that Andre clearly fears no man or snake and has been miraculously cured!

Randy Savage v. Akeem

It’s a non-title match because the world still wasn’t ready for the first black heavyweight champion in 1989. The Dream beats on Savage in the corner, but Macho fights back and tries a slam. There’s too much junk in that trunk, so he whips Akeem into the corner and slugs away on him instead. Akeem with the atomic drop to take over, but he misses an elbow and Big Bossman hits the ring to preside over law and order. We take a break and return exactly where we left off with Savage yelling at the Boss, but Akeem hits him with the corner splash and a clothesline for two. Akeem uses his funky African dance moves to beat on Macho and goes AIR AKEEM with the flying splash, but that misses and he goes down like a plane in the Newark airport, and Macho drops the big elbow to cue up the Bossman run-in at 6:17. But then the gaslighting orange son of a bitch with lust in his eyes runs in and makes a save that NO ONE ASKED FOR, not even giving Savage a chance to make his own comeback. And the orange gaslighting son of a bitch with lust in his eyes is oblivious to Savage’s hurt feelings while he poses for his own glory and acts like he did something. Yeah, nominate him for the Nobel Peace Prize, why don’t you? Savage looks ready to clock him with the nightstick in disgust, but then HE’D look like the BAD guy and so he decides to pose with the orange gaslighting son of a bitch with lust in his eyes instead and save his anger for later. That’s what real men do, ball up their feelings deep inside and then release them at a better moment when it can hurt someone else the most. I should do a podcast.

NEXT WEEK: HERCULES! BAD NEWS BROWN! AND BROTHER LOVE INTERVIEWS THE MEGAPOWERS!

Interesting how the Royal Rumble happened, but there wasn’t really any specific fallout from it on this show aside from a quick promo by John Studd.