The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 01.18.92

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 01.18.92

So once I post the last of the dogshit 1996 shows, I’m gonna start mixing in the 1986 Championship Wrestling show so I can transition to 86 Superstars. The question is, should I just start with January 86 or move closer to the Superstars debut and just cover the Orndorff turn/Race crowning/Honky Tonk Man debut era?

Taped from Austin TX on 12.04.91. Holy shit they really squeezed every ounce of blood from this stone, didn’t they? Speaking as someone who sat through a WWF TV taping in Edmonton in 1991, I FEEL YOUR PAIN, Austin.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Mr. Perfect as it’s ROYAL RUMBLE EVE. Mr. Perfect predicts that Ric Flair will be winning the Rumble. Uh oh, better rebook the show at the last minute so you SWERVE the dirt sheets!

Randy Savage v. The Barbarian

But wait, we have BREAKING NEWS from Springfield MA and you’re not gonna believe this one: The Mountie won the Intercontinental title from Bret Hart due to a 104 degree fever from the flu! That sounds serious, hopefully they have a doctor on staff to dispense medication. Barbarian beats Macho down in the corner, but he comes back with an elbow, so Barbarian puts him down with a backbreaker for two. He goes to the top rope, but takes forever and misses a flying headbutt, and Macho drops the big elbow for the pin at 2:18. They seriously couldn’t fit that match into the running time of last week’s show when they advertised it?

UPDATE! WITH MEAN GENE! BROUGHT TO YOU BY WWF MAGAZINE!

And as alluded to earler, Mountie is the new champion of all continents, and beat on Bret with the belt after the win, until Roddy Piper made the save and earned himself a title shot at the Royal Rumble as a result. So we hear from the new champion, and then Piper talks about being a dreamer who finally gets a title shot. I don’t remember much about this timeframe specifically, but I absolutely remember these promos from this show and being in shock that Mountie of all people won the belt from Bret.

Virgil v. B.A. Dalton

Dalton looks vaguely familiar for some reason. Perfect notes that Virgil’s head is small and thus he has no space for brains. Well I assume he’s a scientist of some kind. Virgil works a headlock and Dalton fights out of that, but Virgil runs him into the corner a few times and hits the legsweep before finishing with the Million Dollar Dream at 2:00. So I checked and Dalton, who looks kinda like Henry Godwinn, is just a local guy.

Live Event News: Sean Mooney notes that if Mountie survives as champion after the Rumble, he’ll defend against Sid Justice at MSG. Well that didn’t happen. So we get promos from Jake Roberts, and I’m actually stumped on which rock song he’s quoting this week.

“So you thought you might like to go to the show, to feel the warmth and see your space cadet glow.”

(I actually did look up the answer but we’ll make it a game to see if you can guess from the lyric because nerdy stuff like that is fun.).

The Nasty Boys v. Dale Wolfe & Robert Taylor

Taylor, who looks like a squatter version of 1996 Faarooq, quickly takes the Pit Stop in the corner and Knobs drops elbows on him as Vince notes that the Nasties might be swapping blows on Sunday. Well that’s kinda personal. Shitty Elbow finishes at 3:07.

Hulk Hogan joins Mean Gene to discuss all the challenges he’s faced over the years, like “twin referees, tooty fruit, double doot”, like all the kids said in 1992. It’s true, me and my chums in high school would often comment on people who looked alike and we were like “Oh look at them being all twinsies, tooty fruit, double doot!” and then we’d go home and listen to Nirvana on 8 Track while thumbing through the latest issue of “Flannel Fashion Monthly” looking for style tips. Good times, high school. Also the Megapowers Explode and Earthquake sits on him and Undertaker…uh…exists I guess and that also bothers him. So this was basically Hogan airing his grievances. The math checks out.

The Berzerker v. Scott Baizo

If Perfect doesn’t make any Chachi jokes about this jobber I’ll lose all faith in him. You see kids, these days we’d either make jokes about Bob Loblaw’s Law Blog or being a right wing dumbass in general, but 1992 was a gentler time when the Chachi reference was the only thing we knew. Berzerker ties up Baizo and hits a running boot, and then tosses the geek over the top rope at the direction of Fuji and wins by countout at 2:30. You know, if you put Berzerker next to Bruiser Brody, you’d probably go “They look the same, tooty fruit, double doot!”.

Meanwhile, Ric Flair does a promo before the Royal Rumble, with the digitized “Real World’s title”, which I guess marks the final “appearance” of the belt before he won the WWF title and retired it for good.

Meanwhile, on Wrestling Challenge, the Rockers stop by the Barber Shop to talk about their problems, but Marty threatens to walk away and Shawn decides to make peace. And then superkicks him and throws him into the window in one of the most iconic heel turns of all time. Before then, people were always saying they looked alike, tooty fruit double doot, but now Shawn has his own deal going on.

And with that we roll right into…

ROYAL RUMBLE REPORT! WITH MEAN GENE!

Shawn promises that from now on, everyone is gonna know exactly what he’s really like, and truer words were never spoken. Mean Gene runs down all the matches and participants and as usual he’s the master of getting you hyped up for it all over again.

Jake Roberts v. Sean Spencer

Jake is joining us here in Saskatoon next week for a comic con appearance, charging $85 for a photo op. Frankly I’m a bit shocked he can get over the border given his history, but he was here with AEW for Dynamite so I guess he’s fine now. Jake slugs away on Spencer and hits the short arm clothesline and then finishes with the DDT at 2:15. BREAKING NEWS: Marty Jannetty will not be in the Royal Rumble! Well shit, there goes my betting pool.

Meanwhile, Sean Mooney shills for the WBF Ultimate Fitness Weekend, complete with a soundbite from Tito Santana, who personally worked out with Gary Strydom in preparation for it. He sounds so convincing with his endorsement, too.

NEXT WEEK: Well, we’ll know who the WWF champion is!