The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 01.14.89

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 01.14.89

(Originally written 07.04.25)

I loved the first 1989 episode so let’s carry on!

WHAT THE WORRRRRRRLD IS WATCHING

Taped from Daytona Beach, FL

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Jesse Ventura

The Rockers v. Trent Knight & Rusty Riddle

Rusty Riddle sounds like a particularly questionable entry in the Urban Dictionary. Also the guy is dressed like a very young Sandman, with full wetsuit gear. Rockers double-team Knight and Marty gets an atomic drop, and they give him a double monkey flip and then pop up and dropkick Riddle. Shawn with the chinlock on Trent as we get comments from the Brainbusters, who are looking for the Rockers in the Rumble! Rockers with a Doomsday Device on Knight to finish at 2:14. I love that the Rockers used to mix up their finishes on a regular basis like that. Also can you imagine back in 1989 being told that Shawn Michaels would win 2 Royal Rumbles in a row a few years after this?

UPDATE! WITH MEAN GENE OKERLUND!

So we get footage of Hogan v. Akeem from Saturday Night’s Main Event, now that we can say that name without fear of retribution from the cable systems. The ref gets bumped and the Twin Towers double-team Hulk. Also we get the epic inset promo from Randy Savage in the back, as Okerlund points out that Hulk is getting murdered by two giant guys and Randy calmly quips “I’ve got confidence in his abilities, yeah”. And indeed, Randy is proven 100% correct, as Hulk makes his own comeback like he always does and overcomes the odds, beating up three guys at once and slamming Akeem. But then Bossman runs in for the DQ and beats on Hulk like an ICE agent while Liz acts all concerned. A little TOO concerned if you ask me. So then Savage comes out and cleans house after the heels go after Elizabeth, and she goes to check on HULK. The Macho Man just took valuable time out of his day to make the save for that ingrateful orange gaslighting fuck and THIS is the thanks he gets? This man is the WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION and he has to waste valuable scouting and training time to save Hogan from his own problems?

King Haku v. Jose Luis Rivera

Vince clarifies that Harley Race abdicated the throne due to injury, which is what put Haku as King. I didn’t realize there were such strict rules about this stuff. Is it like a title where you have to defend the crown within 30 days or get stripped of it? Because I saw Race do a million jobs to Hogan as King and he never defended that thing once. Rivera gets some offense but Haku puts him down and finishes with a diving headbutt at 1:19.

Meanwhile, Sean Mooney hypes a pretty decent card for Washington DC on February 11, and we hear from Demolition.

Tito Santana v. The Red Rooster

This is from Saturday Night’s Main Event, the famous match where Bobby Heenan is wearing a microphone. Tito gets a dropkick for two while Bobby does a bit with George Steinbrenner at ringside. “What do you do with these people?” “Fire them!” Rooster bails and talks with Heenan about it, but Bobby freaks out and they get into a shoving match. They cut out the break and we return with Rooster dropping Tito on the top rope with a clothesline before going for his finish, the Trouble in the Henhouse leglock. But Tito sends him to the floor to escape, so Bobby throws Rooster back in and Tito cradles for the pin at 2:45 shown. Bobby of course doesn’t take it well and slaps Rooster, which results in Rooster getting his feathers all ruffled and beating up Bobby. Maybe if Rooster worked out more and got all yolked he’d win more matches.

Ultimate Warrior v. Jose Estrada

Warrior, still wearing the IC belt, immediately hits Estrada with a pair of faceplants and tosses him to the floor before throwing him back in and hitting him with a clothesline and finishing with the gorilla press and splash at 1:45.

BROTHER LOVE, with special guests Greg Valentine & Honky Tonk Man. They’re still threatening the Hart Foundation, which I guess means that the random WM5 match had some backstory after all.

ROYAL RUMBLE REPORT! WITH MEAN GENE!

Gene explains the concept of this wacky new “Rumble” match to us, and we get footage of Brutus Beefcake beating Ron Bass on SNME and shaving his head. Hilariously, that match was taped so long ago that by the time Bass got to the Rumble, his hair had already grown back in. Like would it have killed them to shave it again before the match?

Meanwhile, the Bushwhackers are in Houston and having trouble finding the Coliseum in time for the Royal Rumble. Luke hamming it up for the camera is pretty funny. And then they grab some poor guy and he gives them exact and detailed directions to get where they’re going, and they thank him and then promptly turn around and go in the opposite direction. Goddammit I laughed at a Bushwhackers vignette, I feel like I need to be punished by the universe in the most excruciating way possible now. But what could that possibly be?

Dino Bravo v. Omar Atlas

Well, I guess I had that one coming. Unfortunately, Dino Bravo WAS able to find the location of the Rumble and showed up. He slams Atlas and drops an elbow, but Omar fights back and then tries a monkey flip out of the corner and gets slammed down with a half spinebuster, half atomic drop. And the side suplex finishes at 1:19. The move so lame that it doesn’t even a catchy name. Because Dino Bravo is THE WORST.

Meanwhile, Sean Mooney lets us know that on February 11, Washington will see HAMMER v. ANVIL!

NEXT WEEK: Randy Savage v. Akeem in a non-title match!