The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 01.13.96

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 01.13.96

Life update: I’m at a work conference in Vancouver most of this upcoming week so the blog schedule might be pretty thin. I’ll have some time tomorrow night after I fly in to maybe work on an Observer Flashback or something in the hotel room, hopefully.

Taped from Bethlehem, PA on Dec 19 95

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Jim Ross & Mr. Perfect

Meanwhile, Shawn Michaels announces that he’s coming back from concussion and Syracuse beating and he’s winning the Royal Rumble for the second year in a row.

Owen Hart v. Henry O. Godwinn

HOG bowls Owen over with a shoulderblock to put him on the floor and then slingshots him back in. Owen tries a headlock and Henry tosses him off and follows with a clothesline. Elbow misses and Owen puts the boots to him to take over. Henry gets distracted with Cornette and Owen hits a flying elbow for two. Neckbreaker gets two. Owen necks him on the top rope, but HOG comes back with a backdrop out of the corner. But then he goes after Cornette again like a moron and the OWENZUIGIRI finishes at 5:10 with the help from the ropes. Definitely not a lost classic from Owen or anything. *1/2. And then poor Cornette gets slopped after the match.

Meanwhile, Shawn collapses after an attack from “a bunch of thugs” in Syracuse but he’s back at the Royal Rumble press conference! Man how sad was a WWF press conference in the beginning of 1995? Who was even showing up to “report” on that?

Meanwhile, Diesel and Razor give their opinions on Shawn coming back potentially too soon for the Rumble.

The Smoking Gunns v. Jason Ahrndt & Phil Apollo

Billy controls Ahrndt with armdrags to start, so Apollo comes in and runs away before catching Billy with a kneelift. Billy slugs him down and the Gunns quickly finish with the Sidewinder at 2:00.

SLAM JAM! WITH HANDSOME DOK HENDRIX!

Dok quotes some pop songs and we get comments from Bret Hart and Undertaker in advance of the Royal Rumble match.

Meanwhile, THE MAN THEY CALL VADER continues to prep for his debut.

Razor Ramon v. Jeff Hardy

OH REALLY NOW? Also some guy in the front row has a Hardy Boys t-shirt. I’m assuming he was connected to them somehow? Razor tosses Jeff around while we get an inset promo from Goldust, who is particularly creepy this week. To the top for a backdrop suplex from Razor, but the Usher heads down to present Razor with a poster of Goldust for motivation. Razor is disgusted and goes to tear it up, but JEFF HARDY WINS BY COUNTOUT AT 2:00?!? This Hardy kid could be a future World champion at this rate! No, that’s stupid, never mind. Razor gives him a Razor’s Edge afterwards, not once, not twice, but THRICE, leaving the poor kid laid out and in pain. Hopefully it doesn’t lead to any issues with painkillers for the young man. I’m sure Razor gave him a stern man to man talking-to in the dressing room afterwards about the seriousness of substance abuse and strategies avoid it.

Jeff Jarrett v. Marty Garner

Jeff does some strutting to start and gets rolled up, but he puts the boots to Garner and then dodges a bodypress. Garner tries to go up again and JJ brings him down with a superplex and finishes with a figure-four at 2:10.

Meanwhile on RAW, Ted Dibiase introduces his new Million Dollar Champion: THE RINGMASTER.

Duke Droese v. The Spider

Vince questions whether this Spider is the same as the Royal Spider from last week. I’m assume the Headbangers worked 17 matches on this taping as the Spiders to save money, so it could have been either one. The Spider gets some offense on Duke and dropkicks him into the corner, but Duke comes back and finishes with the Trash Compactor at 3:00.

SLAM JAM! WITH DOK!

Holy crap how much cocaine was Michael Hayes doing here? Did they have to defib him between takes? So we get the rundown of stars appearing the Rumble and hear from Diesel and Marty Jannetty, who is referring to himself as “MJ”. Yeah no. I don’t know if he was referencing Michael Jackson or famous Chicago baseball player Michael Jordan but either way I’m offended.

Goldust v. Barry Horowitz

Vince thinks that maybe Goldust is just messing with Razor and playing mindgames. So I don’t know if it changed later but Goldust’s entrance music sounds like it’s just the Tubular Bells riff on a loop here instead of the more complex version that came later. Goldust slugs Barry down and drops a knee on him, but Barry gets a bodypress for two and makes a comeback with an atomic drop. But then he misses a dropkick and Goldust finishes with the Final Cut or whatever his reverse suplex was called at the time, at 2:00. And then Goldust blesses us with a striptease and reveals a “Razor” heart tatooo on “his left pectoral” as Vince puts it. This disgusts Razor Ramon backstage and he’s so mad that he smacks a TV and storms off.

And we finish with another trip to Billionaire Ted’s Rasslin’ Warroom as they workshop new slogans. Oh, and of course they don’t have to take legitimate tests for steroids because they’re not in the WWF, brother! Like, the bit about stealing “Unbelievable” and making it “Not Believable” was actually kind of a funny line, but the drug testing dig was so cringe and eye-rolling even 25 years later.

Next week: It’s the fallout from the Royal Rumble and OH MAN will I have some material to work with when you see the featured matches they’re advertising.

I would actually classify this era of the show as surprisingly not terrible so far.