The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 01.05.91

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 01.05.91

Originally written 02.27.26

I really wanted to go back to the start of 1991 again, and the dire state of DIESELMANIA warrants a break before starting 1995, I feel like. So let’s journey back to the end of the Ultimate Warrior’s World title reign for a little while.

Taped from Tampa, FL on 12.11.90, drawing an impressive 11,000!

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Rowdy Roddy Piper & The Honky Tonk Man. I don’t remember Honky as a color guy at all.

I don’t remember the whacked out Ultimate Warrior introduction sequence at all, with LASER EYES. Did they cut that out for Maple Leaf Wrestling, I wonder?

Kerry Von Erich v. Tom “Rocky” Stone

Tom attacks in the corner and Kerry slugs him to the floor and slams him out there. Back in the ring for a backdrop and the clawhold, and Kerry hits him with the tornado punch to finish at 1:40. They were still selling the feud with Ted Dibiase here, but Dibiase’s match at the Rumble was the tag match against the Rhodeseses and then the turn from Virgil. So Dibiase is a pretty busy guy, is what I’m getting at.

UPDATE! WITH MEAN GENE OKERLUND!

Although Warrior v. Slaughter has been signed for the Rumble, we hear from the MACHO KING, who isn’t convinced that Warrior will still be the World champion at that show, since he’s going to win it himself first. And then Mean Gene sits down with Warrior, who seems pretty worried, not gonna lie.

The Warlord v. Donny Steel

Warlord beats ol’ Donny down with clubbing forearms and drops a fist on him, and we get an inset promo from Warlord, who promises that if the Rumble comes down to himself and Power & Glory, he has no allegiance to them. What kind of a maniac would book THAT as the final three? Full nelson finishes at 2:00.

Hacksaw Jim Duggan v. JT Smith

To be clear, this JT Smith doesn’t appear to be the more famous ECW one, in that he’s a skinny white guy. Duggan tosses Smith and brings him back in for the spinning slam and three point stance to finish at 1:45. Maybe Smith was so humiliated that he pulled an “I Am Curious Black” and changed his skin color for a drastic career reinvention?

Meanwhile, Mean Gene has a special interview with Sgt. Slaughter, who celebrates the invasion of Kuwait in August of 1990 as a great day in world history. Also, he has received a special gift from Saddam Hussein, in the form of new curly-toed boots to use in the World title match at the Royal Rumble.

Sgt. Slaughter v. Pat Armstrong

Sadly he doesn’t have his new footwear here, saving it for the special occasion. Sarge beats on Armstrong with knees to the gut and follows with a gutbuster while we get an inset promo from some stupid kids who predict that Warrior will destroy Slaughter at the Rumble. Obviously they don’t realize how badly Warrior was drawing. Someone should have smartened them up. Slaughter drops the elbow on his back and finishes with the camel clutch at 2:23. Man, 1982 Mid-Atlantic heel Slaughter was such a badass shitheel, and it’s like he just forgot how to be an effective bad guy in the ring.

The Brother Love Show with special guest Hulk Hogan. Brother Love rightly points out that the Rumble is perfect for Hogan, because he has no real friends and happily stabs everyone in the back for his own selfish gain. Granted I mostly inferred that second point, but I still think it’s a good point. Brother Love wonders if Hulk would throw out his best friend, Tugboat? Of course he would, what a stupid question.

ROYAL RUMBLE REPORT! WITH MEAN GENE!

Last year at the Rumble, Hulk Hogan was busy throwing guys out, when suddenly we were left with a showdown against Ultimate Warrior and things get real awkward. We hear from Smash, who is all too happy to throw out Crush if needed. And we get a vignette from Ted Dibiase and Virgil, as Ted tosses his cowboy hat in the dirt and stomps it, and then makes Virgil clean it up, while Virgil shoots him sideways glances. Those two need some better communication to improve their relationship.

The Orient Express v. THE MULKEY BROTHERS!

The Mulkeys do a job on WWF TV? Talk about a coup. Kato beats on Bill and they choke him out in the corner, and it’s over to Tony, who is apparently a replacement for Randy. And Tanaka finishes him with a german suplex off a superkick from Kato at 2:30.

Next week: Rick Martel! Undertaker! Big Bossman! Ted Dibiase! Ultimate Warrior!

Honky Tonk was surprisingly dull as a commentator, no wonder he didn’t stick around long in that role.