The SmarK Rant for WWF Prime Time Wrestling – 12.25.89

The SmarK Rant for Prime Time Wrestling – 12.25.89

Originally written 12.24.25

BY POPULAR REQUEST! Also I don’t have access to TSN where am I for Christmas, but I do have YouTube. So I can’t really review Dynamite this week anyway.

Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon & Bobby Heenan & Roddy Piper. Poor Bobby has been forced to dress as Santa Claus, but will only give an unenthused “ho ho ho” when prompted to spread Christmas cheer. But then Piper reminds him that he’s saving $25,000 by doing the gig, because he lost a bet with Piper and would have had to pay up otherwise, and he’s suddenly far more happy.

The Ultimate Warrior v. Brian Costello

Costello attacks and Warrior just ignores him and walks around the ring on the floor, looking for something under the apron. Costello keeps going after him, so Warrior chases him back in the ring and chops him down while we get an inset from Dino Bravo and Earthquake to ruin Christmas for everyone. Press slam and big splash finish at 1:20. “Yes, Dino Bravo IS a viable threat” notes Tony Schiavone, trying to convince himself as much as the fanbase.

Back at the studio, Piper keeps trying to coax Christmas cheer out of Santa Claus, and asks him to say “I love you” to all the kids on Christmas morning.

UPDATE! WITH MEAN GENE OKERLUND!

Yes, this week it’s the debut of NO HOLDS BARRED: THE MATCH: THE MOVIE on PPV, which Gene suggests is a great last minute gift for someone you love. So we get comments from an unhinged Macho King and Zeus from behind the big blue steel cage, while Sherri climbs the cage in an apparent coke-fueled rage and screams at Hulk Hogan. Amazing.

Back at the studio, Santa has gifts for Gorilla.

Tito Santana v. Bad News Brown

Joined in progress MSG with Tito choking him out on the ropes and slugging away in the corner. But Bad News undoes a turnbuckle and headbutts him down to take over, beating on Tito with shots in the corner, only for Tito to run him into the exposed steel and make the comeback. Tito with the figure-four, but Bad News fights that off and then misses the Ghetto Blaster. Tito hits him with the flying forearm and Brown bails to the floor to escape and grabs a chair, which Tito blocks. So they fight on the floor and it’s a double countout at 4:20 shown. *1/2

Back at the studio, Santa Claus wants to talk to all the kids out there, and thinks the kids are all a bunch of suckers for thinking some fat slob comes down the chimney. SANTA CLAUS IS A SHAM! The guy who sits around in the mall is some drunk just out of detox! Roddy is pretty offended by all this truth telling, but Santa notes that no one could into Piper’s neighborhood after dark anyway.

After the break, Bobby continues with his nonsense, saying that flying reindeer and magic sleighs are just a bunch of hooey and people need to believe in the Heenan Family and nothing else. THIS IS NO SANTA! Piper is ENRAGED and stands up for the spirit of Christmas while Bobby continues breaking kayfabe and exposing the Christmas business.

The Bolsheviks v. Todd Becker & WT Jones

Volkoff sings the only real Christmas carol of wrestling, the national anthem of Russia. Jones gets tossed and Volkoff hits Becker with a spinkick and puts the boots to him. Over to Jones and Boris hits him with a Russian sickle from behind and pins him at 1:35.

Back at the studio, Roddy Piper has left his half of the set and shows up to confront Santa for his lies. So Bobby promises to straighten things out, and again says that Santa is a big work, at which point Piper snaps and beats the crap out of him to end his night. And then we take a break and return with Piper doing an impassioned promo in support of the spirit of Christmas, pointing out that Bobby Heenan was the phony one and he’s a liar. Piper wants it known that there IS A SANTA CLAUS.

Barry Horowitz v. Richard Charland

A main event anywhere in the country, joined in progress from Maple Leaf Gardens. Barry and Richard trade headlocks and Barry beats him down to take over and goes to work on the arm. Charland slams out of a hammerlock and gets two, but Barry puts him down with a high knee. Charland fights back in the corner and gets an airplane spin to finish at 6:06. Gorilla completely buries Charland afterwards for being lazy and stinking up the match. “Not too happy about this one I’m sure. Charland should get back in the gym.”

Meanwhile, Mr. Perfect shows off his golfing skills, which are also intended to show Hulk Hogan what a threat to the World title that he is. And he hits a series of holes in one to demonstrate. Well we don’t actually SEE it but I’m just assuming.

Bret Hart v. Greg Valentine

Off to New Jersey, the most Christmas spirit filled place on earth, for this one, complete with ring entrances this time. Long stall from Valentine as he tries desperately to get it to 20 minutes so his second wind kicks in, and they fight over the lockup before Hammer shoves him off instead of offering a clean break. So then he tries it again and this time Bret does the shoving. I’ve heard recently that because Bret is Canadain, treachery is always possible. He follows with an atomic drop before choking Valentine out on the ropes and going to a chinlock. They slug it out and Hammer goes down with a Flair Flop, so Bret kicks him on the way down and he bumps the other way as a result. Greg misses a blind charge and retreats to the floor after hitting the post. Back in, Bret works the arm and we take a break. Back with Valentine sending him to the floor to break free, and he drops a FIVE PACK of elbows on the way into the ring. MY GOD THAT IS FAR TOO MANY ELBOWDROPS! THIS MAN HAS A FAMILY! Valentine beats on him in the corner to set up the Bret Hart Bump in the corner and goes to a chinlock. Hammer with a cradle for two and he goes to work on the leg. Bret gets a hope spot but Valentine clotheslines him and goes up with an elbow that misses. Bret makes the comeback and Greg does another Flair Flop, so Bret suplexes him for two. Bret with a rollup for two that looked like a botched three count, but Mr. Perfect joins us and distracts Bret, allowing Valentine to attack from behind and go to work on the leg again. Valentine loads up the HEARTBREAKER, or I guess the Hartbreaker in this case, but Bret fights off the figure-four as the bell rings for the draw at 20:00. Damn, Greg was just about to get his second wind and wrap it up! Decent but overall kind of listless. **1/2. Not really sure what the involvement of Perfect was about given that he wasn’t feuding with Bret in 1989.

The Brother Love Show with special guests Hulk Hogan and Brutus Beefcake. Of course, they’re discussing NO HOLDS BARRED: THE MOVIE: THE MATCH: THE MUSICAL: THE ORIGINAL SOUNDTRACK, just like everyone else in the world. Hulk is gonna go out and “bust those two guys up permanently”, which sounds pretty violent for a show aimed at kids. Also bones will be broken and Beefcake will stab everyone with his razor sharp scissors and then cut all their hair! I think they may have oversold this one slightly.

Back at the studio, Roddy is still yelling at the producers after they pulled him from the show for his attack on Bobby.

Hercules v. Craig Greene

Lord Alfred notes that Greene “has really established himself with some startling victories in the WWF” as we behold this pasty jobber with a plain black singlet who can barely take a bump. Yeah, clearly. Hercules with a hiptoss and he works the arm on the startling Greene, as Craig kind of falls to the mat weakly instead of taking bumps, and then Herc finishes him off with the torture rack at 2:10.

Back at the studio, Roddy Piper returns from his meeting with the producers, and he’s not gonna sit down and let people talk shit about Santa Claus! TO HELL WITH THE WHOLE SHOW! So then the producer comes out and tells Roddy that he agreed to no physical contact, so Roddy beats up the producer as well and leaves him laying.

The Genius v. Mark Young

We are joined in progress with what I’m assuming it a dark match from the Challenge taping, as Young gets a rana for two and chases Genius to the floor with an armdrag. And then Mark does some BREAKDANCING. You know, like all the kids were into in 1989. Genius puts him down with a forearm and Young makes a comeback with a backdrop, but Genius takes him down with a crucifix to finish at 2:35 aired. Young was the son of Jay Strongbow and so got a bit of a push early on, but didn’t really have a lot to offer.

Dusty Rhodes joins us with a special Christmas message, as he introduces his new manager: SWEET SAPPHIRE. “Does the Kingfish know about this?” wonders Jesse.

Back at the studio, Gorilla tells all the kids to disregard all the evidence presented by Bobby Heenan earlier and gaslights them into thinking that Santa is real.

Macho King Randy Savage v. Jimmy Snuka

From Maple Leaf Gardens for our feature presentation. Big stall from Savage as he runs away and protests to the ref, rightly concerned for the safety of Sherri around this monster. Into the ring, Snuka hits him with a chop and beats on him in the corner before hitting him with a middle rope fist, as Sherri tries to drag her man out of the ring. Also I should note that in addition to Snuka’s involvement in the match, the referee is John Bonello, who actually hired a hitman to kill his own wife and ended up going to prison for it. So we’ve got quite the mix of domestic abusers out there. I wonder if they got together and took notes. We take a break and return with Snuka getting a bodypress on Savage, but Queen Sherri takes the ref and there’s no count. So Savage hits Snuka with a kneelift that bumps the ref, and Snuka comes back with a diving headbutt with no ref. Sherri interferes again and collides with Savage, resulting in the Macho King getting tied up in the ropes. But then Sherri runs in again, hits Snuka with the loaded purse, and puts Savage on top before dragging the ref over to make the count at 9:41. Match was total smoke and mirrors horseshit. DUD. And then Jim Duggan makes the save from further attacks by Savage.

And Gorilla reminds us to call our cable company and order NO HOLDS BARRED: THE MATCH: THE MOVIE: THE MUSICAL: THE ORIGINAL SOUNDTRACK: THE BROADWAY PLAY before Roddy Piper stops by one last time and announces that he’s been fired from the show for beating up Santa Claus.

And with that, a Merry Christmas to all!