The SmarK Rant for WWF on PRISM – 12.07.85

The SmarK Rant for WWF on PRISM – 12.07.85

I thought this was the more famous episode from 11.22.85 but then realized I was reviewing the wrong one halfway in. Still, this card kind of of slaps so I’m not mad at it.

Taped from Phily

Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon & Dick Graham

Danny Spivey v. Tiger Chung Lee

It’s Dan SPEEVEY apparently, although the ring announcer does correct himself. They trade wristlocks and Spivey takes him down and goes to work on the arm, as he’s already ditched the furry boots and gone with Hogan’s yellow color scheme. No wonder PWI tripped all over themselves declaring him to be the next guy, despite Hogan still only being in the second year of his reign. Gorilla derides the slow death of the short arm scissors in wrestling, while Lee fights back with chops and the crowd is already in no mood for this match. That’s so disrespectful to Dan Speevey! Maybe he just needs a tag team partner. Tiger works the arm and Gorilla starts free associating about Mr. Fuji because there’s just nothing going on here, and then Tiger switches to a chinlock. Speevey fights out of that and drops a leg for two, but Lee gives him the old chop to the throat before missing a headbutt off the middle rope. And Danny finishes with the bulldog at 10:43. This was certainly a match that happened. *. And then the graphic calls him “DON Spivey” as this poor fucker just can’t catch a break today.

King Tonga v. Iron Mike Sharpe

Some dude at ringside is dressed at Santa Claus to match with the season, although I doubt you’d find a more bitter and bloodthirsty Santa than in Philly. Probably comes down the chimney and steals presents and leaves empty beer bottles in the stockings. Gorilla talks about Sharpe’s OCD and how he spends so long in the shower that he’s been locked inside arenas by mistake before, which I don’t think is an exaggeration, actually. Tonga quickly gets Mike trapped in the ropes and puts the boots to him, so Mike bails and demands various concessions from the Tongan government before he returns. Much like Trump, he quickly changes his mind and goes back in. Tonga dropkicks him for two and Sharpe bails again to air more grievances and levy some tariffs, but then heads in and beats on Tonga with the ALLEGED loaded forearm to take over. Tonga with a bodypress for two, but Sharpe pounds him down again and takes him to the floor for a fight. But he makes the classic mistake of ramming Tonga’s head into a table, and that just makes him mad because SCIENCE. Back in the ring, Tonga comes back with an atomic drop off a missed charge, and drops the headbutt to finish at 6:38. This probably should have been the opener instead. **1/4

Hercules Hernandez v. Scotty McGhee

So before the match, they show the aftermath of Haku getting his head rammed into the ringside table, and it’s a GIANT hole, which they completely missed during the actual match. Gorilla describes McGhee as a “top rate, full fledged superstar in any athletic endeavor” which is literally the nicest thing I’ve heard Gorilla say about anything, ever. Herc offers a handshake and then turns on Scotty, beating him down in the corner until McGhee dropkicks him out to the floor to create some separation and/or build momentum. Back in the ring, they do an extended lockup and Scotty chases him out again and then goes to work on the arm back in the ring. McGhee misses a charge and Herc slugs him down and drops a knee on him, for two. And it’s chinlock time as Gorilla admits that he’s been a TAD hard on referees over the years despite how thankless their job. What? Perish the thought. Scotty makes the comeback with an inverted atomic drop into the corner and a dropkick, before going up with a flying knee that almost misses completely. Back to the top with a flying bodypress, but that’s botched as well as Herc can barely catch him and loses control of him, accidentally dumping him into the corner before making sure he’s OK and then finishing with the torture rack at 12:28. Not a really notable match or anything but it completely fell apart at the end and I don’t know what was going on with McGhee there, as he’s normally a rock solid worker. ½*. Sometimes you just trip multiple times and nearly break your neck, I guess.

Brutus Beefcake v. Leaping “Lenny” Poffo

They’re on a roll with the graphics tonight. Beefcake wearing the tag team title just looks weird to me, but man is he proud to have it and he treats it like it’s precious. He probably should, since he never won another title again. Which, by the way, is CRAZY if you think about it. Poffo works on a headlock, but Brutus runs him into the corner to break free and stops for some strutting. They trade takedowns and Poffo controls with a headscissors, but Beefer sends him to the floor to escape. Lanny slugs away on the way back in, and hits Beefcake with a somersault senton for two. Lanny takes a huge bump to the floor off the kickout, just for fun, and Beefcake slugs him down. Poffo rolls him up for two and rams his head into the mat for two. Beefcake hits him with a kneelift to send him flying to the floor again as Poffo seems more than happy to bump his ass off for Beefcake here. Beefcake with a back suplex for two. Brutus argues with the ref and Poffo rolls him up for two, but they criss-cross and Poffo walks into the high knee and it’s over at 11:45. Nice finish. **1/4

Meanwhile, Terry Funk talks about how he’s whipped his way through the entire WWF for a title match tonight, and he’s not gonna let all the miserable shut-in WWF fans down! Kal tries to ask him questions and Terry just steamrolls right over him and continues his unhinged rant and it’s hilarious.

WWF World title: Hulk Hogan v. Terry Funk

Hulk, in baby blue tonight, steals Funk’s cowboy hat and stomps it in what is some horrible show of disrespect. So Hulk beats on him with chops and Funk bumps to the floor off that. Back in, Hulk hits him with corner clotheslines and yanks him off the ropes. Funk almost manages to bump to the floor off a simple irish whip, before Hulk finishes the job with a clothesline. Back in the ring, they do a hilarious drop-down sequence where Funk goes down and Hulk repeatedly steps on him while running the ropes, prompting Terry to bail to the floor and mess with Gorilla. Gorilla of course is taking none of that. Back in the ring, they do a criss-cross and then Hulk stops, leaving Terry running himself ragged before realizing what happened. I love that Funk is this terrifying heel in 1985 and he’s basically doing an indie comedy match with the World champion. Next up, Funk ties him in the ropes and slugs away to take over, before tossing Hulk and hitting him with an axehandle off the apron. Back in, Funk chokes him out with the wrist tape while Jimmy Hart takes the ref as this match is wonderfully silly. Funk with a piledriver for two. It’s sleeper time next, but Hulk does the three arm drop revival and comes back with the big boot, sending Funk to the apron and then suplexing him back in. Jimmy Hart hooks the leg, however, and Funk falls on top for two, with Hogan in the ropes to save himself. But then Funk argues with the ref and Hulk steals the cowboy boot from Jimmy Hart and knocks Funk out for the pin at 10:20 to retain. So Funk gives him a receipt and knocks him out with the ringbell before branding him RIGHT ON THE BOOBIE and then running away. I could watch Terry Funk matches all day. ***1/4

Mike Rotundo v. Greg Valentine

Well this is right out of Mid-Atlantic wrestling. Rotundo takes him down a couple of times and hits him with forearms in the corner, and Valentine begs off before accidentally putting himself into position to be crotched on the ringpost. That gets two for Mike. Valentine works the arm and drops knees on it, but they get into a chop battle and Rotundo gets a dropkick off that. Blind charge misses and Valentine goes up with an elbow to the head for two. Greg works the leg and clips him to set up the figure-four, but Mike escapes that, so Valentine tosses him and back in with a suplex for two. Rotundo comes back with an aeroplane spin and they both bump to the floor and brawl out there, but the ref gets involved and things are out of control for a DQ at 9:00, making Rotundo the winner. **1/2

Magnificent Muraco v. Ricky Steamboat

Big brawl to start as Steamboat throws chops and Muraco negotiates for peace. Steamboat beats on him in the corner, but Muraco dumps him to the floor and they continue the brawl out there, with Muraco catapulting him into the post, giving Ricky plenty of opportunity to get busted open. Not very much, so Muraco smashes his head into the post again to give him a chance to man up. Muraco kicks him in the head and bites on the cut, as Steamboat stumbles back into the ring and proceeds to selling and bleeding. Muraco keeps hammering on the cut while Steamboat sells dramatically and draws a bigger babyface reaction with every shot. This is like heaven for both guys at that point. Muraco can just throw punches and sneer, and Steamboat can run around the ring bleeding and selling. Muraco throws the dreaded ASIATIC SPIKE, but Steamboat backdrops him over the top rope as I’m shocked Muraco is even taking bumps here. So Steamboat puts Muraco on his back and runs HIM into the post and now we’ve got a competition going. Muraco goes to the apron and Ricky chops him out there until they both end up back in the ring, and Steamboat goes nuts and makes a comeback with martial arts as he beats on Muraco’s bloodied face. To the top for the flying chop and he steals Fuji’s cane and chases him back to the dressing room with that, but that allows the ref to count Steamboat until he beats the count at 9. So Ricky continues beating the hell out of Muraco and they fight to the floor again and slug it out all the way back to the dressing room, and THAT’S a double countout at 10:33. Unsurprisingly this was great. ***1/2

Tony Atlas & Tito Santana v. Randy Savage & Jesse Ventura

This is either gonna be awesome or a total trainwreck and I’m on board 100% with either result. Tito is rocking that hot new IC title belt that all the kids are talking about on Snapchat right now, just a couple of months before Randy Savage claimed it for himself. We start with Savage and Santana, as Tito messes up his hair off the lockup and the Body helpfully smooths it out again. Tito slugs him down in the corner and works the arm, and Atlas comes in with a headlock on Macho, then teases allowing Macho to tag out and then pulls the arm back to troll him. So it’s over to Ventura as Gorilla discusses the newly signed Ted Arcidi, who I actually noticed popping up in random roles as an actor in the past couple of weeks. I didn’t even know he moved into that career. Atlas gets choked out in the heel corner and then Savage goes over and hilariously trolls Santana while Jesse chokes Tony out on the ropes, as Savage is drawing nuclear heat from the crowd just by existing. Savage with a double axehandle to the back for two, but Atlas tosses him in the air on the kickout. So Savage puts the boots to him and slugs away, and Ventura comes in for more shots. Tito gets a hot tag and immediately hits Savage with the flying forearm for two, but Jesse saves and it’s BREAKING LOOSE IN TULSA. Savage hits Tito with a knee to the back and the ref takes a hilariously undersold bump off a shove from Savage, and that’s a DQ at 8:40. Well sadly this was neither great nor terrible and ended up being a pretty big disappointment. ** Afterwards the heels go over to the announce table, where Dick Graham loudly informs them that “You can’t touch the referee!” and Body has a hilarious “WHAT?” reaction to this shocking news.

Couple of really good matches still makes this one worth a watch, I’d say.