The SmarK Rant for WWF on Prism – 12.01.84

The SmarK Rant for WWF Spectrum on Prism – 12.01.84

Just to clarify, this isn’t from the Network, it’s from Richard Land’s amazing Fish & Chips Patreon, which is worth every penny he’s asking. You want entire TV tapings and rare syndicated shows and stuff like this one? He’s your man.

Taped from Philly, drawing 13567.

Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon & Dick Graham

Mr. Fuji v. Salvatore Bellomo

Sal slugs away on the Fuj to start and gives him a cartwheel for good measure, so Fuji retreats and searches for a foreign object. Bellomo escapes a full nelson with a mule kick, but Fuji uses his wily Japanese skills to put him on the floor with a kick. Back in, Fuji slams him and drops the headbutt on Bellomo’s Italian sausage, before going to a nerve pinch. Sal fights out of that one and works on Fuji’s legs but as usual spends too much time asking the crowd and lets Fuji recover. You’re not gonna get to the pay window for the winner’s share of the purse that way, young man! Sal dropkicks him and drops a knee for two, but Fuji is in the ropes and Sal doesn’t seem to know how to deal with that. So he charges and misses, and Fuji finishes him off with the kamikaze headbutt at 7:48. Typical house show opener. *

Johnny Rodz v. Gama Singh

Crazy to see the Great Gama working WWF shows. Didn’t even know that was a thing. And he’s working as a babyface! Rodz retreats to the apron and hides behind the ref while asking for action, and then attacks Gama and stomps him down. So Gama grabs a headlock on the mat and controls with that while Gorilla, and I know this is gonna shock you, buries the referee and talks about how he’s completely incompetent. “I know it’s a thankless job but it helps if you know what you’re doing before you get in there”. Oh damn, someone get that poor guy some salve because he just got BURNED. But I’m sure the ring announcer is fine. Rodz slams Gama down and beats on him to take over, but he misses a headbutt and the crowd is pretty bored with the match already. Gama works the leg while Gorilla talks about how wrestlers have to make the towns even if they’ve got sprained ankles because otherwise they don’t eat. Yeah see that’s kind of the PROBLEM. Rodz retreats to the apron and Gama slugs away out there and slingshots him back into the ring before dropping an elbow for two. Gama with a backdrop, but he puts his head down and Rodz puts him down. And then he misses a splash and Gama gets two from that. Rodz slugs him down again and puts the boots to him, then follows with a superkick, but Gama catches another kick and slugs away in the corner. Rodz slugs back, but Gama dropkicks him and goes to the top for a missile dropkick that finishes at 11:12. The crowd boos Singh out of the building for some reason. Philly, what’s your issue? He looked good here! No wonder the man got so angry towards white people for the next 30 years. **1/2

Mike Rotundo v. Cowboy Bob Orton

They fight over a wristlock while the announcers agree that Mike is a good looking man, with a face “chiselled out of marble”. Agree to disagree there. Rotundo takes him down with a hiptoss and then a wristlock before hitting a flying headscissors and back to the arm again. Mike tries a short arm scissors and Orton escapes with an atomic drop and puts the boots to him to take over. Rotundo misses a charge and runs into Orton’s knee, and Bob drops him on the top rope and then pulls him to the apron for an elbowdrop on the throat out there. Back in for a press slam into a backbreaker, but he goes up for a pump splash and hits the knees. Rotundo makes the comeback with a back elbow and his own backbreaker, but Orton fights back with a cheapshot. Rotundo runs him into the corner and Orton manages to land on his crotch, which sets up an abdominal stretch from Rotundo. Of course, the move is not hooked to Gorilla’s satisfaction and so it has no chance to end the match. Take a drink of your preferred libation. Bob tries to reverse it and Rotundo sends him to the floor to block that attempt and then runs him into the turnbuckle bolts on the apron. Orton tries to come in via the top rope and Rotundo slams him off and drops an elbow for two before going to a chinlock. Bob escapes that and hits him with a bulldog, because he has “Cowboy” in his name and thus he’s allowed to use it, and that gets two. Another try is countered by Rotundo and Bob takes a bump into the turnbuckles, setting up an atomic drop that gets two.

Orton gets another cheapshot and puts the boots to him to put him down again before hitting a backbreaker for two. Another one is reversed into a cradle for two, however, and Rotundo comes back again. He tries a bearhug and Orton reverses out of that for two, but Rotundo catches him with a lariat and it’s a double down before Rotundo gets two. Rotundo with a facejam for two and Orton takes a dramatic bump off that and lands in the ropes, so Mike goes to the legs and then slugs him down. Orton is just bumping for Rotundo like crazy here, trying to put him over huge. Rotundo drops a knee for two, and takes Orton down with another flying headscissors, but he goes for a third one and Orton dumps him onto the top rope and hits him with the SUPERPLEX as time expires at 19:00. They had to shave a minute off the time limit to match the storyline but this was EXCELLENT for the time. ****. Bob Orton always understood the assignment, as the kids say.

I decided to try out Google’s new AI service since I’m paying for it anyway, and I asked it what a match between the sons of these two might look like, and it said they would have “a negative-star debacle at Wrestlemania for the WWE title with worms projected on the mat or some shit like that”. Stupid computers, what do they know?

The Iron Sheik v. Dave Barbie

Barbie is subbing for David Sammartino, out with an injured leg of some kind. But he does at least make an appearance and slugs away on the Sheik FOR AMERICA, so Sheik chases him out of the ring and goes after Barbie instead. Barbie is pretty cut up here, but Sheik puts him down with a clothesline and then loads up the boot and hits him with that as well. Sheik with a backdrop, but Barbie actually makes a comeback and Sheik begs off. Barbie has nothing here, doing a terrible slam and then failing to follow up in anyway, so Sheik boots him down, hits him with a backdrop driver, and then finishes him off with the camel clutch at 2:33. This guy did not stick around the business for very long, in case it wasn’t obvious from watching this horrible squash. Sheik cuts a promo on Bruno afterwards, which surprisingly I don’t think we ever saw.

Ken Patera v. Jose Luis Rivera

Rivera is subbing for Rocky Johnson, thus robbing me of another chance to make jokes about offspring. Patera tosses Rivera around and beats on him, but Rivera reverses him into the corner and gets some offense until Patera rakes the face to take over again. Patera with another slam, as Dick Graham quotes future Trump cabinet appointee Kid Rock, Secretary of Bawitdaba, by noting that it’s not bragging if you can back it up. Rivera slugs back again, but he misses a charge and Patera finishes him with the full nelson at 5:25. Basic squash for Patera as they build towards a run with Hogan. *1/2 So really, Patera still looks great here, and he left in the spring of 85 for jail, which is only a few months after this, and only spent about a year there, so why the hell did he get SO terrible when he returned in 87? Like he lost his entire talent in the clink, it seems like. It’s not like he wouldn’t have had access to weightlifting equipment.

Meanwhile, Roddy Piper does an unhinged promo about how Philly fans are free to love their brothers if they want and he won’t judge. Also Wendi Richter has been bugging him for a date and he has to keep turning her down. Kal Rudman just lets him go and then taps him on the shoulder to redirect to a question about Bob Orton and Piper goes flying off the handle again like Robin Williams until Rudman calmly taps him on the shoulder again to stop him. This was GREAT.

Rowdy Roddy Piper v. The Tonga Kid

Oh this is gonna have some heat. Jimmy Snuka is in the corner for Tama. Tonga slugs away on Piper right away and Roddy sells like crazy for him, so Tonga drags him around by the hair and hits him with headbutts while the crowd goes apeshit. Piper tries to bail and Snuka is blocking his way, so he turns around and pokes Tonga in the eyes instead. Work smarter, not harder. Piper with a backbreaker for two. Tonga fights back and does some dancing in between shots, but Piper drops him with a suplex because a dancing Samoan isn’t gonna get over in the WWF, PAL. Piper chokes him out in the corner and puts the badmouth on Snuka before taking him down with a facelock. Genetics is an odd thing, as Tonga produced Jacob Fatu but Snuka only gave us half of the greaser tag team. Piper with a facelock on the mat, but Tonga suplexes out of it and Piper does a flailing sell to allow the Kid to make the comeback with chops. Piper tries running him into the turnbuckle and that’s not gonna fly, as Tonga makes the comeback and they fight to the floor and brawl. Piper runs him into the post and Tonga can’t no-sell THAT shit, and then Piper drops a chair on his head and then attacks Snuka for good measure. Back in the ring, Snuka is enraged and attacks Piper and that’s a DQ at 6:12, but Bob Orton runs in to make the save and they all brawl. But then Snuka hulks up and destroys everyone, so Piper runs away to fight another day and the faces stand tall. This was GREAT and wrestling is awesome. ***. I think this one ended up on the Roddy Piper “Greatest Hits” Coliseum Video released in 85.

WWF Women’s title: Wendi Richter v. Judy Martin

Man watching the show outside of the Network really shows how effective using “Girls Just Want to Have Fun” for Richter was. Wendi works the arm to start and takes Judy down with a hammerlock, but Martin hits her with a knee to take over and throws her out of the ring. Martin runs her into the announce table and chokes her out with the TV cable. EC-Dub! EC-Dub! Back in the ring, Martin chokes her out and gets two, before going to a chinlock. Wendi elbows out of that and Martin yanks her down again before running her into the turnbuckles to injure the shoulder. Wendi comes back and runs Martin into the turnbuckles and puts her down with a big boot, but Martin blocks a monkey flip. So Wendi hits a lariat to finish at 7:33. Interesting that they called it a “lariat” in 1984 because I didn’t think it was widely called that until years later, outside of Stan Hansen’s finish. Another good match. ***

Oh man, one of the commercials included here is for “Slapstick of Another Kind” with Jerry Lewis and Marty Feldman, one of the worst movies of all time. Now there’s a memory. It was actually based on a pretty good Kurt Vonnegut book, amazingly, but it SURE didn’t translate.

Junkyard Dog v. Brutus Beefcake

Dog was fresh off jumping from Mid-South at this point while in the midst of a main event feud with Butch Reed, so naturally Bill Watts harbored some resentment towards him and Vince McMahon. Unsurprisingly we get an extensive stall to start the match, as Dog insinuates that Beefcake might not be the manly specimen of alpha heterosexuality that he portrays. So Beefcake objects to that slander and talks it over with Johnny V before they finally make contact 3:00 in. Unfortunately that means that now we have to watch a match between Beefcake and JYD so it’s kind of a no-win situation. Beefcake with a headlock and he stops to strut to celebrate, so Dog headbutts him to the apron and Beefcake throws a tantrum out there. Back in the ring, Dog goes to work on the arm while Graham notes that JYD “doesn’t have the symmetry of the body” that Beefcake does, which is something of an understatement. Beefcake bails and stalls yet again as this is going nowhere slowly. And Dog finally gets Beefcake in the ring for some offense, but Johnny V runs in for the DQ after 8:00 of torture as they basically touched four or five times at most over the entire match. -**

Sgt. Slaughter v. Nikolai Volkoff

They slug it out and Sarge chases him to the floor a few times, prompting Volkoff to complain about potential objects being used. Back in the ring, Volkoff goes to a headlock and gets some cheapshots to take over while Dick Graham thinks back on his own military history. Sarge fights off all the boots to the head and slugs back, but Volkoff whips him into the corner for his trademark bump to the floor. So Sarge drags him out and they brawl out there for the double countout at 8:00. Well you knew you weren’t getting a decision rendered here. DUD

Next month: Andre the Giant & JYD v. Big John Studd & Ken Patera! Jimmy Snuka v. Cowboy Bob Orton!

Barry Windham v. Buddy Rose

The crowd is already emptying out before Rose can even correct his announced weight. Rose slams Barry and gives us two tickets to the GUN SHOW, which with inflation and Ticketmaster service fees amount to $500 each in today’s dollars. Barry gets his own slam and Buddy bails to the floor to recover from that and then offers a handshake of friendship. The timekeeper accidentally rings the bell for curfew but it’s been lifted so we can see a finish to this main event in any arena in the country. So we continue and Buddy elbows Barry to the floor and then suplexes him back into the ring before going to the top rope. Windham slams him off, but they collide and Rose falls on top for two. So Barry goes to the top this time and Buddy slams him off, but Barry reverses to a cradle to wrap it up quickly at 4:20. Obviously they were told to go home in a hurry after the false curfew call. *

And the announcers wish us happy holidays to end a pretty decent Prism show. This would have been a good one to add to the Network but such is life.