The SmarK Rant for WWF on PRISM – 01.14.89

The SmarK Rant for WWF Spectrum – 01.14.89

More from Richard Land’s awesome Fish & Chips collection. All the kids are talking about Philly this week it seems like.

Taped from Philadelphia, PA

Your host is Dick Graham, calling this thing solo. This might be rough. The ring announcer is future proto-ECW promoter Joel Goodhart, so that’s something.

Jose Estrada v. Tim Horner

Graham notes that “we don’t know much about Horner” despite him being in the business for a decade at that point. But yeah that’s 1989 WWF for ya. They fight for a wristlock and Estrada pulls the hair to escape, so Horner takes him down with a flying headscissors and then we get an extended headscissors on the mat. Jose rakes the eyes to escape that and Horner takes him right back down with the headscissors. Oh my god Dick Graham desperately needs a color commentator to play off. Estrada gets a cheapshot and goes to work with a lengthy chinlock, but Horner comes back with an elbow for two. Small package gets two. Sunset flip finishes at 9:39 despite Estrada’s shoulders not actually being down on the mat, but I guess everyone just wanted to wrap this thing up and go home.

The Bolsheviks v. The Bushwackers

Butch and Luke are fresh from the NWA at this point, leaving them high and dry for Starrcade 88 in the process but making a ton of merch money. They quickly chase the Russians to the floor and back in for a quick brawl before double-teaming Boris. Luke gets caught in the wrong corner, but the Russians collide like complete morons and regroup on the floor again. Back in the ring, Volkoff grabs the bearhug on Luke and he quickly bites out of it. So Volkoff goes back to it, but Butch comes in and bites Volkoff at the same time to break the move. This is seriously the longest I’ve ever seen the Whackers get the shine as babyfaces in a tag match. Finally Volkoff whips Luke into the corner to take over 5:00 into the match and the Russians do some double-teaming and work him over in the corner. This is stunningly terrible and ugly stuff, as Luke can barely sell it properly and falls out of the ring to regroup. Butch tries to make the tag while standing on the floor on the other side of the ring from his corner, but the ref is somehow smart enough to not count that as legal. Back in the ring, Boris chokes Luke out with the tag rope, but then he tries a sunset flip and Luke grabs the beard to block. Hot tag Butch and he runs wild for a bit as the crowd doesn’t really know what to do with them yet. Russians double-team Butch, but then they collide again and the battering ram and gutbuster finish Boris at 9:45. Way too long, as they quickly figured out that the key was for the Wackers to come in, sell for a minute, do some wacky bullshit, and then parade around ringside for the kids and get out again. DUD

Akeem v. The Blue Blazer

This show is like watching ECW form before our eyes! No wonder Philly ended up being so pissed off and bitter about modern wrestling in the 90s, given cards like this one. The crowd, already showing their smart fan acumen, chants “Owen” at the Blazer because you can’t get one past them. Akeem chokes Blazer out on the ropes as the crowd chants “One Man Gang”, really controlling their own narrative here. Blazer slugs away in the corner, so Akeem demands a test of strength and then calls him A BIG DUMMY for accepting. You don’t think Akeem could have fit in with ECW given trash talk and mindgames like that? I think he could. Blazer flips out of the knucklelock of course, and goes to work on the arm. Crossbody is caught and Akeem slams him and slugs away between dance moves, but Blazer comes back with a missile dropkick for two. Moonsault press misses, however, and the big fat splash finishes at 8:00. Basically just a squash, but not terrible or anything. *1/2

Meanwhile, Kal Rudman chats with Ted Dibiase in advance of his match with Hercules tonight.

Hercules v. Ted Dibiase

It’s winter, so Dibiase hails from the Netherlands Antilles. Still one of the best character touches ever. Dibiase won’t even let the ring announcer introduce Hercules because he’s only a SLAVE and doesn’t deserve it. Regardless, Goodhart still does the intro, calling Herc “from Parts Unknown”. Isn’t he from Mount Olympus? Anyway Herc beats up both Dibiase and Virgil and slugs away on Ted, but chases after Virgil and walks into a clothesline like a goober. Dibiase with a knee to the gut and he goes up with a double axehandle. Herc fights back again but walks into a boot in the corner, so Dibiase drops the fist on him to cut him off. That gets two. Elbowdrop gets two. Herc tries to fight back, so Dibiase rakes the face and hits him with a backbreaker for two. Gut wrench gets two. Dibiase goes up, but misses his elbowdrop for the millionth time and Herc makes the comeback. Kneelift and clotheslines set up a powerslam. Herc goes to finish with the full nelson, but Dibiase quickly makes the ropes. So Herc puts him in the torture rack this time, and Virgil has no choice but run in for the DQ at 8:00. Any one of us would have done the same thing, let’s face it. But then Herc kicks Dibiase in the nuts and chases them off with his chain to get some satisfaction. This was all very cromulent and Perfectly Acceptable Wrestling. Herc actually looked pretty motivated for his mini-push at the start of 1989 before going back to never giving a shit again a few months later. ***

Well there we go, we made it through an Akeem match that wasn’t horrible, and then we were threatened with a 1989 Hercules match and that ended up being pretty good! I have to say, things are really picking up today for me, and I’m feeling so calm and mellow that I decided to skip my dose of blood pressure medication for the day because really why would I need it? So since there’s nothing more that is likely to test my mental resolve and will to live as far as I know, I’ll just take a big sip of this sugary drink and hold it in my mouth to savor it for a minute while I look right at my expensive Macbook Pro computer screen…

Flag Match: Hacksaw Jim Duggan v. Dino Bravo

Well shit.

Duggan immediately takes Bravo to the mat in a front facelock, which at least means Bravo is contained from being terrible for the moment. Bravo sadly escapes, but misses a charge and Duggan takes him down and works the arm, although Bravo’s arm is so immobile that it can barely be bent back into hammerlock position. Duggan chases after Frenchy Martin and runs into a “clothesline” from Bravo, and Dino uses some kind of shitty Montreal kung fu to subdue Duggan. Bravo with a chinlock, as you’d expect, but Duggan slugs back until Bravo puts him down with an atomic drop for two. Bravo slams him and drops an elbow, and the side slam gets two as Duggan is in the ropes. Bravo is pretty frustrated because we’re at 5:00 and he’s gassed, so he shoves the ref in frustration to use up the last of his gas tank, and Frenchy accidentally hits Bravo with the flag to put Duggan on top for the pin at 6:00. And Duggan raises the flag and plays the anthem. DUD

Meanwhile, Kal Rudman mixes up Warlord and Barbarian and Fuji is pretty annoyed about it. Probably cut his brake lines as a hilarious rib or something afterwards.

WWF tag team titles: Demolition v. The Powers of Pain

The Demos immediately double-team Barbarian in the corner and Ax goes to a chinlock. I tell ya, the more I go down the Crockett and Watts rabbit holds of the early 80s, the more I appreciate Masked Superstar and how much he towered over everyone before coming to the WWF and looking like an average-sized guy. The POP manage to get some shots on Smash before Ax comes in and save, but then a cane from Fuji turns the tide and Ax is painted face in peril. Warlord pounds away on him in the corner but Ax has had enough apparently and just makes the tag to Smash, who beats them both by himself and powerslams Warlord for two. But then Fuji runs in and it’s a double DQ at 6:00. Graham: “You can do a lot in the ring but you can’t literally murder somebody”. Well that would have been good information to have beforehand. This was somehow worse than a Dino Bravo match in some ways, literally just 99% punches and kicks, but at least it was short. DUD

Greg Valentine v. Rugged Ronnie Garvin

I have to come to appreciate their 89 feud over the years, but I don’t see this one exceeding expectations tonight. So we get a few minutes of stalling from the Hammer, and they trade chops until Greg goes down first and bails to the floor. Back in the ring, Greg fires back with his own chops and they slug it out before Garvin switches to the punches and cradles for two. Yes, more of that, please! Garvin with a crucifix for two and he works on the arm, and they do a satisfying bit where the ref asks him if he gives up and Greg goes “NOOOOOOOOOO!” and then the ref makes sure to clarify with the timekeeper that “No, he doesn’t give up!”. That’s a distinctly wrestling bit of business that I appreciate. Garvin beats on him with chops and punches in the corner, really laying it in, and he does a bit of a Garvin Stomp before beating on Valentine in the corner again. Hammer gets really desperate and finally punches Garvin over the head of the ref, and then wants another boxing match with Ronnie for some reason. So Garvin just destroys him and splashes him for two. Garvin with a sleeper, but Greg puts him on the apron, so Garvin comes in with a bodypress, and Greg rolls through with a handful of trunks for the pin at 12:20. Goddamn Garvin was trying his hardest to have a good match here and he succeeded. ***1/4

Iron Mike Sharpe v. Paul Roma

Well this is very odd placement for Paul Roma, the Human Bathroom Break. Roma takes him down and works on the leg a bit, but Sharpe gets a cheapshot and beats Roma down to take over. Roma with a bodypress and Sharpe rolls through for two, but Roma goes up with a missile dropkick to finish at 3:47. Yeah OK let’s get to the main event so I don’t have to listen to Dick Graham mess up moves and names anymore today.

WWF title: Randy Savage v. Bad News Brown

For some reason we switch from Joel Goodhart to Tony Chimel as ring announcer for this match. Bad News gets sick of waiting for Savage to make his entrance and cuts a promo about how “Elizabeth is probably back there doing favors for the head usher”, which prompts Savage to run out and attack him. I’m shocked that didn’t get Bad News over as a babyface in Philly. So Savage runs him into the table at ringside and back in for a double axehandle, but Brown hits him with a clothesline out of the corner and slugs him down to take over. Bad News pounds him with headbutts and drops an elbow on him before choking him out on the ropes and tossing him. Bad News tells Liz to get lost and hauls Macho back in for more of a beating, and then throws him right back to the floor again and hits him in the ribs with the ringbell hammer. Liz tries to help, so Brown chases her around the ring and she hides behind the ref in terror. Helpful hint: Don’t hide behind anyone who can be knocked unconscious for 7 minutes by a clothesline. An enraged Savage runs Brown into the post, but Brown catches him with another shot in the ring. Ghetto Blaster misses and Savage goes up, but Brown cuts him off with a shot on the way down, in no mood for Savage’s bullshit today. Russian legsweep gets two. So he goes out and threatens Elizabeth AGAIN before going to the top rope, but Savage slams him off and drops the big elbow, which MISSES. Brown snickers about that and tries a slam, but Savage cradles for the pin to retain at 5:25. This was looking pretty fun but was way too quick. **. And you’ll notice Elizabeth never DENIED taking so long because she was doing favors for the head usher in the back.

A couple of matches that are definitely better than expected for the time, but MAN is 2.5 hours of Dick Graham by himself a painful slog to get through.