The SmarK Rant for WWF Monday Night RAW – 02.03.97

The SmarK Rant for WWF Monday Night RAW – 02.03.97

Continuing on the neverending quest to get all the RAWs redone! This is the infamous Skydome RAW, the debut of the show as a two-hour program done as an experiment at the last minute and it apparently made USA Network so happy that they just kept giving out hours of TV to Vince McMahon willy-nilly. I think the show is up to 14 every week now? I wouldn’t know.

Taped from Toronto, ON, with about 25,000 people in the building. This was heavily advertised as showing the entire 1997 Royal Rumble on free TV, but SWERVE, they lied.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Jim Ross & Handsome Dok Hendrix

BUT FIRST! Let us take you back to the Royal Rumble in San Antonio, where Steve Austin gets eliminated and then comes back to win regardless, his first of three wins. Bret Hart is naturally not happy about this. But to be fair, he was mad about a lot of stuff in 1997.

The Man They Call Vader v. Steve Austin

Bret immediately jumps into the ring and attacks Austin, still throwing a hissy fit over the Rumble loss, but the Usual Gang of Idiots drags him off so we can start. Austin beats on Vader in the corner, but Vader clubs him down while Vince repeatedly calls it a “capacity crowd”, which it absolutely is not. Vader goes up for the Vader Bomb and then tries for the moonsault instead, but Austin goes low to counter and slugs away in the corner. Ref is bumped and we take a break. I know this wasn’t originally intended to be a TV taping, but they literally had a Wrestlemania in the building 7 years earlier and it didn’t sound like they were at the bottom of a coal mine like this show. We return with Austin making a comeback and the referee bump never followed up on, as he drops the elbow for two and Vince promises NO BAIT AND SWITCH TACTICS ON THIS SHOW. How did lightning not strike him dead in the middle of some of these lies? You’d think the deities would just kind of have had enough of it after a while. The ref gets bumped for a SECOND time and they fight to the floor, with Vader getting sent into the stairs in the darkness, and they kind of brawl into the night for a double DQ at 8:15, or maybe it was a DQ loss to Austin for hitting the ref, doesn’t matter. Except for the fact that you couldn’t see anything or hear anything, this was fine I guess. **

Flash Funk v. Savio Vega

Savio is freshly turned and he DOESN’T CARE WHAT ANYONE THINKS anymore. Vince would again like to stress that there are NO bait and switch tactics tonight. Because this is Royal Rumble RAW and they deliver what they promise!* (*not a promise). Vega beats on Funk with elbows in the corner, but Flash gets a rollup for two. Savio puts him down with a sideslam and chokes him out repeatedly before putting the boots to him. Vince trying to put Flash over as this high flying sensation while he’s laying there getting kicked is tremendous stuff. Flash makes a comeback with a BAAAAAAAAAAACK BODYDROP and spinkick, and a flying splash gets ONETWONOHEDIDNT. Flash up again and he dives onto the Nation geeks this time, but then he goes up one more time, misses the move like Vince missing the irony of promising no bait-and-switch tactics, and Savio gets the cheap pin at 4:20. Way to put over the hot new heel there. *1/2

Sid joins us to discuss his relationship with Shawn Michaels, and he rambles about some bullshit and does his usual “now I’m talking softly AND NOW I’M TALKING LOUD and now I’m talking softly again” interview and says nothing. Apparently he meets Shawn Michaels for the WWF title on the special Thursday RAW, because this is a show where they DELIVER the title matches that are advertised and don’t use bait and switch tactics!

Meanwhile, where have Yokozuna and Brian Pillman gone? Find out on the WWF Superstar Line now!

Meanwhile, Owen and Bulldog do a promo from the dressing room, and Owen is tired of Vince stirring up trouble between them over minor misunderstandings at the Royal Rumble.

WWF tag team title: Owen Hart & British Bulldog v. Doug Furnas & Phil LaFon

JR thinks that the issue is that Owen & Bulldog just aren’t getting a lot of leadership right now. Well that would soon be fixed. LaFon takes Bulldog down with a leglock right away, but Bulldog runs him into the corner to break. Over to Owen while Vince reveals that Doug Furnas is suffering from the flu, which sounds like an excuse for a match that they know is lousy. LaFon takes Owen down and works the arm and it’s over to Furnas, who gets some hiptosses and it’s back to Bulldog. They trade takedowns on the weirdly-mic’d mat but Owen comes in for the double team and puts Furnas down with the leg lariat. The champs go to work while the crowd tries to cheer for Owen and he keeps trying to shut it down, and Furnas gets a sunset flip for two. Vince keeps hyping up that we’re watching ROYAL RUMBLE RAW even though we’re approaching an hour into the show and we’ve only seen 30 seconds of the Rumble at the beginning of the show. Owen with a chinlock on Furnas as this one is seriously dragging. Furnas with a small package on the Bulldog for two and the champs cut him off again while a bored Bulldog poses for the fans. This allows Furnas to roll up Owen for two and triggers a fight between the brothers-in-law as we take a break.

Back with Furnas continuing to sell in the heel corner, but he comes back with an overhead suplex and makes the hot tag to LaFon, who gets a bodypress on Owen for two. LaFon with a tornado DDT for what appears to be the pin at 13:14, but Owen turns out to be in the ropes and Hebner waves it off after ringing the bell prematurely. See, the signs were there! Don’t trust him! The champs double-team LaFon and Bulldog powerslams him, but Owen takes an accidental bump over the top and slips and hurts his knee on the floor and gets counted out at 14:39. Shitty finish to a boring match, but it wasn’t terrible or anything. *1/2

Meanwhile, it’s THE ROYAL RUMBLE, as Ahmed attacks Faarooq with a 2×4. So there’s another 10 seconds of footage to add to the count.

Meanwhile, Ahmed promises more pain and suffering for the Nation of Domination TONIGHT. Apparently he’s done taking his Prozac and that means bad news for everyone.

Crush v. Goldust

Crush slugs away in the corner and Goldust puts him down with a clotheline and sends him to the floor. Back in the ring, Goldust starts working on the arm and the Skydome is SILENT. This brings Hunter to ringside with a “lascivious” look on his face according to Vince, although lord knows he’d be the expert on that, and Goldust gets all distracted and Crush takes over on the floor. Back in as Crush gets a legdrop for two and a belly to belly as the crowd gets even quieter somehow, but he goes up and misses a fistdrop. Goldust reverses a piledriver and comes back with a DDT and bulldog and SHOOTS THE HALF for two. And Savio Vega runs in for the leg lariat behind the ref’s back, and Crush finishes with the Heart Punch at 8:14. Now THIS was terrible. Goldust wasn’t clicking as a babyface whatsoever. DUD. Granted it could have been the terrible sound mix that meant you couldn’t hear all the fans cheering for him, and terrible lighting that meant you couldn’t see all of the fans cheering for him.

Meanwhile, Blackjack Lanza is ominously sitting around the campfire, warning us of the impending return of the BLACKJACKS. Duly noted.

Shawn Michaels joins us and the crowd is a bit hostile to him, so he talks about how if being a great champion means you need to be bad, then he’ll be the worst person that Canada has ever seen! Well that turned out to be an understatement. Shawn compares himself to Muhammad Ali, who everyone hated while he was champion, and he says Bret is free to hate him as well because he’ll never be WWF champion. So this brings out Bret, who had been watching from backstage, and he compares Shawn to Dennis Rodman instead of Ali. Also valid. Bret again calls Shawn a “degenerate” and a punk, but Steve Austin hits the ring and attacks Bret and they fight to the floor. Shawn standing there and watching with amusement is great stuff.

Meanwhile, Tiger Ali Singh signs with the WWF and aligns himself with Bret Hart to suck up to the crowd. Good luck with that.

Intercontinental title: Hunter Hearst Helmsley v. Marc Mero

Vince again reminds us that we’re not getting any “bait and switch crap” because they DELIVER WHAT THEY ADVERTISE, you know, here on Royal Rumble RAW with half an hour left to show the entire Rumble as advertised. Mero takes Hunter down and he retreats to the corner to start while Vince makes snarky remarks about “Robin Hood” to really show that the war is on. Mero with dropkicks and Hunter hides in the corner again, but Mero clotheslines him to the floor and they fight out there. Back in, Hunter takes over with some knees on the ropes as the crowd sits on their hands. Like, someone told the wrestlers that they would be taping this show, right? I know it was last minute but I feel like SOMEONE could make an effort tonight. Hunter tries a suplex and Mero reverses to a rollup for two, but Hunter USES THE KNEE to put him down again. Hunter pounds away in the corner and we take a break.

Back with Mero making a comeback with a facebuster and they slug it out while Vince stresses that we ABSOLUTELY will see the Undertaker tonight, no “if” he shows up! Well the show was taped days before so I’d HOPE we know for sure that’s showing up. They fight on the floor and Mero gets a plancha, and back in for two. Mero slugs away in the corner, but misses a blind charge and runs into Hunter’s boot. Hunter goes up and Mero brings him down with the top rope rana for two. Hunter undoes the turnbuckle in the corner, but Mero gets the samoan drop and goes up with the Merosault, which only gets two. Hunter whips him into the exposed steel, but Mero blocks it, so Hunter pulls out brass knuckles and pins him at 13:52 to retain that way instead. ***

Meanwhile, we are gifted with another 10 seconds of the Rumble, as Jerry Lawler starts a joke, enters the match, gets thrown out by Bret Hart, and then finishes his joke. For those keeping track, we ended up with ONE MINUTE of the Royal Rumble shown on this Royal Rumble RAW show.

Regardless, we will absolutely see everything advertised on the Thursday RAW show. Especially the WWF title match.

Meanwhile, we learn that Western Union is the fastest way to send money. It blows my mind that people in the US have to use CashApp and Venmo and stuff like that. Here in Canada we just e-transfer each other through the banks and it shows up instantly. It’s pretty awesome. Hang on, I’m just getting a notification from someone named “TK” right now in fact…

No Holds Barred: Faarooq & Mankind v. Undertaker & Ahmed Johnson

That’s right, no holds are barred and there’s no bait and switch crap on this show! We promise that you will not see any holds barred like you always see on that OTHER show where holds are regularly barred! That’s a Vince McMahon Guarantee! They pair off as you’d expect to start and Undertaker brawls with Mankind outside while Faarooq gets a sleeper on Ahmed in the ring, but Undertaker luckily breaks it up. Jim Ross stresses that there MUST BE A WINNER and you will not see any countouts or disqualifications, presumably unlike those other guys who always have countouts and disqualifications in their main events. Never mind that we already had multiple countouts and disqualifications earlier in this very show. Taker beats on Mankind in the corner while the Nation joins us at ringside as we take a break. Back with Taker going OLD SCHOOL on Mankind, but he catches Taker’s hand and puts him in the Mandible Claw. Ahmed breaks that up with the Pearl River Plunge, but Faarooq breaks THAT up with the Dominator. I wonder if Ahmed v. Mankind would have been any good, actually? We never saw that combination. I think Mick could have figured out what to do with him. Mankind finds a chair but charges at Taker and gets it kicked back in his face, but now the Nation attacks Ahmed while Vince reminds us that we’re not watching HAS-BEENS like on that other channel. Good to know. Ahmed finds a 2×4 on the floor and chases Faarooq back to the dressing room, while Mankind hits Taker with a neckbreaker. He goes for powder, but Taker kicks it back in his face, but then Vader runs in and splashes him and puts Mankind on top. Mankind wants a chairshot instead, so he holds up Taker, and Vader misses and knocks Mankind out, and Undertaker finishes with the tombstone on the chair at 11:19. This was OK, more like the 2 singles programs mashed together at the same time with not much of a tag team match going on. **1/4

Honestly, this wouldn’t have been SO bad if the lighting was better, and the sound was WAY better, and Vince McMahon would have SHUT THE FUCK UP about bait-and-switch tactics and how they always deliver what they advertise. Because they sure didn’t, and they sure didn’t deliver what was advertised the next week either. This basically came off as a darkly lit house show on TV, which did not lend itself to making the WWF look like the hot new product for the kids in the same way Nitro was knocking out of the park.